Latest Posts by bluethornprincess - Page 3

Day 1 ~ in recovery ~

A friend came over today to talk about my feelings and maybe get some work done for myself.

It's been 2 days since I last turned on my laptop and looked at my semester to-do list. I still haven't done it yet, and I feel intimidated by the potential workload I have waiting for me once this break ends and everything should go back to "normal." Is there even going to be a "normal"? I don't know. I feel very conflicted right now, but maybe this shows that I need a reality check. To ground me, not terrify me.

Journal

I got into a car accident with my friend today... This was my very first one with an actual collision. Crazy enough, I was in shock at first and cried, but then once I realized what was going on, my brain decided to shut out my emotions and be logical about all the things I needed to do and all the people I needed to contact.

I don't know, I feel like I need to be the strong one in this situation. I can see how distressed my friend is and how guilty she is for the accident, and I just can't bring myself to make her feel any worse. There's a lot on my mind now... Are my pain and bruises going to go away soon? Are my travel plans for Spring Break going to work out? Is my dog going to be OK after the accident? Am I actually suffering from internal bleeding? Lol I realize I have a morbid sort of humor as well.

Tbh writing this out makes me feel really sad about my progress with thesis. I was literally started a routine and tracking how I am doing each day, and then "bam!", life hits you in a way you never expected.

I mean, yes, I am grateful I survived (especially my friend and my dog) because someone could have died. And then what? Where do my emotions go? How do I process all of this? How can I express my feelings while not feeling like I'm hurting my friend?

It's going to be OK. That's what I keep telling myself. I truly believe in it. I just don't know how that's going to happen. We shall see...

Day 4

On days like this, I feel like I'm stepping backward, unwinding all the hard work I've put forward in the past few days. It hasn't even been a week yet...

My dog has been whining right before I go to bed to be taken out. Having presentations and essays back-to-back for my classes. Group projects are due soon. Spring break is in a few days. My thesis work is ongoing but not where I need it to be. - Things just aren't right.

I want to feel excited again. I want to feel alive again. I want to be free.

When I got home from school today, I laid down on the couch and started reading a webnovel. I ended up napping for two hours, and then realize that I still need to make food and it'll be time for bed. But I still have my daily assignments I need to get done, and my notes, and my thesis, and... My mind is going in a spiral but my body is moving like a turtle. All I want to do is read my webnovel and escape my stressful reality at the moment.

I'm going to muster the little strength that I still have to complete the essentials for tomorrow, and then call it a night. Maybe it is a day of necessary rest today.

Day 3 End

School days feel like a blur sometimes. Waking up to my alarm while I'm still half asleep; rushing to take my dog out before class; hurrying to class so I'm not late - just speeding through the day until it gets dark outside and I'm still on my laptop by midnight.

I did most of what I planned to accomplish, but somehow I still feel like I should have done more. Probably expressed by the part of me that needs to overachieve.

Tomorrow's a new day, and I have a new goal. Will check back in again for continued progress =)

Day 2 End

Wow... what a day.

I'm finally calling it and getting ready for bed (maybe quietly read a couple chapters of my new fated lovers book on my phone).

I feel like I did quite a bit but also not writing enough to meet my schedule. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Am I overestimating how much I can do each day or week to meet my goal at the end of the semester? I really hope not. I really need to finish this thesis proposal so I am not behind (also not having to pay for another semester of thesis credits...) Money is definitely on the line.

My hope is that I can start tracking my wins and knowing that it will be ok in the end.

Transitions are hard...

Like I know I got diagnosed last year with ADHD, but I haven't felt like this in so long? Seriously, I don't know how I've functioned so well in college, and now in PhD, my brain is starting to give up on me.

I wish my school or someone had taught me how to use a neurodivergent brain growing up. Maybe it would be less difficult right now.

It feels like I make a plan, and then the next thing I know, my brain chooses not to follow it cause it's not exciting enough. I wish I could just work 4 hours a day and then rest and recharge using the remaining time. I know this is impossible with my current workload and commitment, but I can't wait for that day to come when I can create my schedule and I don't have to worry about not having enough income each month.

Good luck my pals who are also neurodivergent ~

Middle of Day 2

I can't believe I actually did it. I actually started working on my thesis writing in the middle of the day!

Usually, I wait until it is dark, and I use guilt to motivate me to start writing until midnight. Then, I end up feeling exhausted and groggy the next day. But it seems like that's not today. And I am grateful for myself for this =)

Realizations

It hit me that studying is a lonely process.

No matter how much you connect with others on the topic of studying or study with others in the same place, it doesn't take away the fact that the learning process is a solo act.

Sometimes no one even knows when you are working hard. It is not a glorious process, but so many of us continue to do it day after day.

Maybe studying is how we will get closer to our goals and success. Maybe it gives you meaning. Maybe it gives you strength.

To be alive and still capable of learning. A lonely process but connects you with academics from the past and future.

3/3/2025 Day 2

I changed my schedule yesterday and created a new plan. Seems to be working so far!

It feels a little weird to start doing my main task at 3pm, but I feel less pressured to wake up early and speed through my morning routine. Also, I noticed that I don't like checking my phone when I want to focus on my day. I feel slightly guilty for people who text me on a Monday, but seriously, I just want to be in my own head all day and focus on what I want to finish.

Side tangent: My dog was snoring and making growling sounds while he was napping today lol. He makes me feel alive 😂

This looks like my dog but is not my dog. Close enough =P

Day 1 End

I'm so proud of myself!

I actually did some thesis writing tonight. It took me a little bit to start, but I think I have a clearer direction now that I know it is just small blocks that build up my entire paragraph, and then making up a section.

Tracking my progress is nice. Thanks for this space!

Nothing better than having my dog next to me while I am working hard on my thesis 🩵

P.S. Technically I asked for a cat but got chosen by a dog. I call it fate.

Energy Periods

OK, I have to note this down because I just recognized an energy pattern that I have! What a win!

3-6pm: my peak productivity time

when it is easier for me to focus and concentrate

especially on days when I have not done anything at this point, I feel like doing something so the day doesn't slip away completely

helps when I have time to ease into a slow morning and make food for myself (and exercise on some days)

12-2pm: potential medium to medium-high energy

I know that it is possible for me to start doing tasks at 12pm, so this might be a period where I can start with easier tasks and feel good about some small wins

I think this will be a good time where I build up the momentum to do my higher tasks later in the day

9-11pm: medium energy

there have been days when I can still complete school tasks or even write parts of my thesis during this period (tbh I can push until 12am but I really need to get some sleep before a full day of classes)

hopefully this will be a period where if I have not been able to get to my thesis tasks during the week, I can save 2 hours just working on it before I go to bed

I usually sleep better the next day if I do work on my thesis task the day before

My schedule doesn't always allow a ful-day of research/thesis work, so hopefully this will help me organize my time based on my energy instead of what I feel like people keep telling me to do. I'm definitely not an early bird, and I think it makes sense to follow my own energy/rhythm at this point so I can actually reach my goal of proposing my thesis by the end of April.

Middle of Day 1

The day didn't go as bad as I had imagined. Started working on some school assignments on my to-do list after eating a nice breakfast (more like lunch) and watching an episode of A Sign of Affection =)

Here's to the possibility that I will face the more daunting task of continuing to write the literature review part of my thesis. Cross my fingers that I finish the day strong and satisfied!

Profile Pic Disclaimer

Before people come fighting me for using someone's artwork, I want to make it clear that I found my profile pic from Pinterest and I don't remember who drew this. So if you know who the artist is and how I can credit them for my profile pic, I will be eternally grateful!

OK ranting a little before I start...

I'm kinda sick and tired of people telling me all I need is discipline and consistency. Like you think I've never considered that??? That's what people say, like EVERYWHERE!

Has anyone thought maybe there is more to these two words? Or maybe there's more to people who consistently "fail" at discipline and consistency?

Before I make a tough decision every day - whether it is whether I should skip my class or what I want to eat for lunch - maybe I can stop and ask what my future self would like me to do? And then maybe I can finally be at peace when I choose to rest when I'm tired and enjoy my time with friends without feeling guilty.

3/1/2025 Day 1

I feel like yesterday wasn't that bad, so today should start pretty well too... Guess I was wrong / not as accurate as thought about my own behaviors.

I ended up waking up and checking social media, and it sent me down a spiral of starting this new online novel about werewolves and fated mates. They know me too well lol.

Now it's past 3pm and I have a long list of to-dos, combined with what I didn't get to yesterday. Will this kind of life ever end? Will I ever decide to not push away what I need to do right now and enjoy the instant gratification that causes me long-term despair?

Initial Greetings

This is my first time using Tumblr... I already feel pressured to write my first post in a certain way. But tbh I just wanted a space where no one really knows who I am besides the words I write.

At the moment, I see this as a place where I get inspired to study and work on my PhD stuff. Yes, I'm in a PhD program in Counseling Psychology in the US. It is a lot of hard work. It's been rough lately so I hope that this will be a place to can bring some light into my monotonous days.

Depending on how things go, maybe I'll be more active here. Who knows \\/ ^.^\//