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Sleepy Thoughts #5

Saturday, June 4 2016 12:03 AM: Exhausted after an anxiety attack. Have you ever passed by someone who was on the phone and you hear them mention someone by name? Once I was on a bus and looking through the seats in front of me a woman was texting someone and, being the inherently nosey person I am, I read them to find out that Jackie was just diagnosed with breast cancer. It just seems strange to me that I have my own group of people I surround myself with, so that if I mention Abby, people know who I'm talking about. It just always catches me off guard to know that every single person that walks by me on the street has a family, and an entire group of people, and they just have their own separate existence to mine. My mom was right maybe the world doesn't revolve around me after all. Or does it?

Moonlight and a shootingstar, Mallorca

js

Museum of Living Statues Pt. 4

TRIGGER WARNING: Character death, manipulation, and creepy ending.

This was my final project for my creative writing class, and I was pleased with how it turned out, so please enjoy!

(This is a little longer than the other parts, but I couldn’t find a good place to stop it, so there will only be one other part after this)

“Perfect, dear, you’re doing great! Now, as soon as I flip this switch the molding material will fill your mouth. Don’t panic now, breathe through your nose and you’ll be just fine!”

Before I could say anything, they pulled me roughly to my feet and lead me to a large, intimidating iron door. The door had a complicated-looking mechanism that they pulled right open and I found myself in a room that very much resembled a dungeon. At that moment, my body was screaming at me to get the hell out of there as fast as I could, but all I could do was tremble.

“U-um…” I managed to squeak out, “I’m not so sure about this anymore…” Their face changed to one of sadness.

“Well, I’m sorry dear, the paperwork is already filled out. Besides, with your looks and stature I think it’s clear that this is what you’re meant to do.” They leaned in and kissed me on the cheek while squeezing my shoulders reassuringly, and I felt the knot in my stomach loosen a bit as I managed to give a small smile in return.

“That’s the spirit, handsome. Now, if you’ll just come right over here I’ll get you situated with the casting machine.

“T-the what? I thought I would just be standing there or something while an artist, like, made the statue?” I asked in confusion.

“Oh, don’t worry dear, we have our own unique way of doing things. This allows us to create the lifelike statues that we have become renowned for. If you’ll just follow me over here I can show you!” They led me over to a large sheet of metal leaning back at a slight angle, and I noticed immediately the hand and ankle shackled that were built in to the stand.

“Why are there handcuffs?” I asked, my brain numb.

“Well, we wouldn’t want you to fall out, now would we?” Their laugh was music, and I felt compelled to obey the sound. I hesitantly, and awkwardly, stood on the bottom platform and leaned back so that I was reclining back against the board. The receptionist fastened the buckles securely, perhaps a little too securely, I thought as I felt the thick leather digging into my wrists and ankles. I glanced up to see a large round bucket positioned over my head. The next thing I noticed was the steam rising out from it and my heart began to pound again. The receptionist seemed to sense my concern.

“Don’t worry handsome, we’ve done this thousands of times and we’ve never messed up once.” They reached out to stroke my cheek, and gave me one more kiss which made the butterflies in my stomach relax. “Now, this next part might feel a little strange or uncomfortable, but you’ll just have to bear with me!” They walked behind my stand and grabbed a large canister with a hose coming out of it.

“This is what we’re going to be using to take the mold of your mouth,” She held up the end of the hose, “open up your mouth nice and wide for me dear, we need to make sure to get those pearly whites as accurately as possible! It’s best to close your eyes if you’re nervous dear.” I swallowed all of my fears and shut my eyes tightly as they placed the tube into my mouth.

aries: don’t let anyone burn out the fire thats inside of you. you have what it takes to push past everything that stands in your way, and you will because you have this rage inside of you, this magnificent light that burns from the inside and out. don’t loose your fire, or i’m afraid you would loose yourself. taurus: even though you hide yourself from the rest of the world you have flowers growing throughout your soul, even in the darkest parts of you. You are nature and the dirt it needs, you are grounded and strong like the trees in the forest around you. you have a fight inside of you, you just have to learn how to stand up and move on. gemini: you are life, you are the wind and the freedom it leaves behind. you are the sun that radiates light on summer days, and the rain that falls into puddles in the spring. you are everything in between, and all of it at the same time. a walking contradiction, but you will win the battle within you. for you are a fighter filled with inner strength, for you are the light and dark. cancer: you are strong, stronger than you let on. don’t let all the tears that you drown in tell you otherwise. you are the moon and secrets kept behind walls you built up on your own, hoping to stay in them without someone knocking them down. break them down, break free. just because the walls are breaking doesn’t mean your heart will too. leo: you have so much confidence built up inside of you, you are the sun and all of its light. you are the laughter in the children on sunny days, and the wildflowers growing in fields of yellow. you are also the blackest parts of the ocean, containing your emotions that form into bursts of angered rages. you can’t live like this, hurting yourself and others? don’t demand people of things just because you’re keeping parts of yourself hidden. virgo: you are dangerously beautiful, you are the freckles that my grandmother called angel kisses. you are as pale as snow, and your heart is cold like it to. but you know its not true, you just have to learn how to love yourself. your flaws will always be visible, but they make up who you are and I could connect constellations from your beauty spots, and scars and you would become the universe. simply breathtaking. libra: you are filled with laughter, you are the smiles in the melancholy people with horrible pasts, but heres something that you need to learn, how to make yourself smile and actually feel it deep inside. you have this remarkable persona that makes everyone stop and stare, and you’re too blind to see how wonderful you are. you’re too blind to see that people care for you. you’re the daylight, and the start of a new day. you are the sunset and the beginning of a new tomorrow. scorpio: you are a thousand pieces of different parts of the world, you are the world. all of its beauty, and all of its secrets combined into one. you are as fiery as the deepest parts in a volcano, and the saddest parts at the bottom of a vodka bottle. you are no where in between, you’re either cold as your heart is black or passionate as your heart is when you finally meet someone who opens up your soul and when that happens you will be nothing but light. sagittarius: you are a restless soul, breaking hearts including your own. your fears wont always be visible, because you’re a fighter who got through them already. if you can do it once you can do it again. don’t let the cruelty of human nature destroy your inner self, you can be you with out making reckless decisions. you can be you without being someone else. capricorn: you have firm grip on your life, no one can break that away. you know who you are, and you know what you want. you can create tears in other peoples eyes, just as fast as you can close off yourself from the world. don’t. you need your inner self to radiate through, for you can show people fun, and steadiness and patience and determination out of this world. you are a strong human being, you will find your light or maybe you just haven’t realized that you already have. aquarius: you are all the constellations, and all the seasons. The stars shine through you, and you move like water with each change in the world. You are the life within spring, and the fire in summer, the colors of fall and the death in winter. You are the revolution within yourself, no one in the world is like you. You are your own person. you have your own feelings, and your own mindset. but it’s never okay to keep them concealed inside. let them shine through like the galaxies within you. pisces: you are eloquence and beauty, and your creative colors flow from you. Everyone can see your colors, your vividness. you are a piece of art the world has created, all of your happiness and all of your sadness make you who you are. Stop changing yourself, you already know who you are.

zodiac poems, april 12th (via zodiacinsanity)

I have a job interview tomorrow and I can't wait and I'm not panicking at all and I love being an adult

Today was my first day on meds for anxiety and I was supposed to have a job interview (part-time retail work, nothing major (although my mind seems to think it’s the biggest deal in the world)), so my foot decided to bend inwards and now I can’t walk without crutches which hurt like hell to use because of an old shoulder injury, so I had to reschedule the interview over the phone, and I can’t talk over the phone, and I had no idea when to reschedule it for since I went to the clinic and got an x-ray and they haven’t gotten back to me yet so I don’t know when it will be better, and there’s also that part inside of me that thinks I’m overreacting and theres nothing actually wrong and I’m gonna seem like an attention fiend, so I’m not sure if I want the pain to be gone or not in the morning when I have to wake up at 6:30 cause I was supposed to take my cat to the vet and now my mom is gonna have to miss work cause I can’t carry my cat and use crutches, but I still have to help her put my cat in the carrier which I don’t know how I’m gonna do since I can’t fucking walk, which is gonna be great for my first day of work tomorrow since I don’t have the type of shirt I need to wear yet since I was gonna buy it today but I didn’t, so my mom is telling me to go to the store before work at 10 AM but I CAN’T FUCKING WALK and I just nearly collapsed in the shower cause I keep losing my balance hobbling on one leg, and I was gonna call them and ask to come in for orientation at a later date but my mom said that I should just show up with my crutches anyway and maybe they’ll send me home but I’ve been hyperventilating and crying for the last couple of hours, not including when I actually twisted my foot, and I have no idea what to do.

For those who need to hear it

(I tweeted this the other day but I wanted to post here too)

Hi! You know those thoughts and feelings you’ve decided are too intense and overwhelming to tell anyone about?

Tell someone. Your intense hesitation is proof that it needs to get the fuck out. It’s a veiled demand for disclosure.

Here’s a secret that your mean, wrong brain will try to argue against: You aren’t a burden.

People who love you want to help you. That’s how loving works. I can’t think of a person I love that I wouldn’t.

And I know that sometimes when you’re deep in your wallowing, these sentiments can feel trite and disingenuous.

But I’m promising you right now that I mean it. I myself am proof that help is out there. I’ve gotten a lot and need a lot more.

And every time I’m ready for it, it’s there. It’s really great. Okay? Bye

I found these gifs I made a while back for a site that’s not running anymore, so I thought I’d post them here. It’s a description of psychiatric symptoms and states of mind using a pink box and some other stuff. 

push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise. 2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 3. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 4. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything. 5. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice. 6. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small. 7. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full. 8. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle. 9. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck. 10. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog. 11. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through. 13. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 14. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends. 15. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

(via aureat)

When I go into a clothing store with a friend I follow them around like a lost puppy because I know that whatever I try on/buy from this store is going to make me look as gross as I feel.