ephostame

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F1 x tumblr but it's just @infectiouspiss's textposts

( source )

So today, in a conversation about some older hrpf fandom lore, I got asked if I could talk about Sid’s public image and fandom interpretations and Nate’s influence on him over the years. And I said, boy, can I.

So to start out, it really cannot be stressed enough that pre-2015-ish, Sid’s initial public image and his characterisation in fandom was pretty hard on the babygirlification and leaned hard into spacetoaster (the original “hockey robot” trope). this was due to a number of factors, mainly:

he was a very young and chubby-faced player in the league (and there weren’t any twinks around)

he was exceptionally good at hockey and the youngest captain to ever win the cup

he notoriously never, ever, ever gave away even a hint of his personality in front of a camera.

Sid was media trained to the gills at a really young age. some of the first articles about him in local newspapers appeared as early as ages 6 and 7, and by the time he hit around 14 and it was clear that he’d stuck with the course and was pretty set to play in the NHL at some point, more and more media attention swung his way. His first endorsement deal I think happened at age 15 or 16. After Gretzky retired in ’99, —and especially after the lockout in 2005, to this day the biggest lockout in North American sports history— most hockey fans were hungry for The Next One. Jágr and Yzerman were still around for sure, and Mario un-retired in 2000 to save the Pens from bankruptcy, but they were aging, and they weren’t Gretzky. No one was. And there were few players that seemed as promising as Sid.

So, given that Sid was drafted in the mid-2000s before social media was rampant, and celebrity information still came out mostly via wildly invasive tabloids, Sid’s early career was marked by a notorious lack of personal information about him. Basically a perfect breeding ground for fanon interpretations to run rampant, but they weren’t entirely unfounded either. Sid was clearly an absolute freak of nature (affectionate) on the ice, and some of the early information (mostly via PR obligations and PensTV) that leaked out over the years gave fans little crumbs of his personality that basically amounted to: loves being chirped; his teammates call him “Creature”; likes his fun-loving teammates (mostly the pranking ones, like Flower and Max Talbot, but Sid was never caught helping with pranks by media); is an excellent Captain; and (via whispers and rumours floating around from people that had been there to see it) he seems to be an upstanding guy that’s really involved with a shitload of charity work on the down low. A lot of this info also came after the fact via articles and short PR videos. For example, turns out that Sid personally pioneered the Little Penguins with his own money, which ultimately kickstarted league-wide initiatives for kids’ programs to learn hockey and for teams to donate equipment. In an article years after the fact, it came out he fought for some tickets to his Juniors games in Rimouski to be set aside for a cheaper price so low-income families could attend.

So that was what we knew until around 2010. He won a cup in 2009 and very little footage of those celebrations leaked out, and he won an Olympic gold in 2010 and became Canada’s Golden Boy. He only did the bare minimum of PR, and never attended the All-Star Game (10 bucks says mostly to avoid the PR there, too). It’s genuinely hard to overstate how much he avoided the public eye.

Then came the concussion years. The first injury happened on January 1st, 2011 in the Winter Classic against the Washington Capitals. It’s pretty wild to look back on it now, but Sid’s injury and everything around it ended up doing a lot of legwork towards taking concussions more seriously in the league. While the NHL still won’t admit to the long-term harm of concussions and concussion syndrome, it’s hard to describe just how long of a way they’ve come in the last fifteen years. Concussion awareness and a tightening of the concussion protocols became more prevalent after The Face of The League was injured with one for so long— of course, it’s not something you can pretend isn’t a big deal when the league’s star player spends almost two years out of commission with one.

So Sid was essentially in and out of the lineup between 2011 and 2013, when he broke his jaw. He recovered from the concussion in time for the 2012 playoffs, but in 2012/13 the half-season lockout happened until January of ‘13, and his jaw injury was sustained at the end of March, right before the playoffs in 2013. He did play a couple games in a full cage, and he had excellent stats, but he was still injured that entire time. During his injured years there was medical information (there is footage of a really hard-to-watch press conference out there about his concussion, let me tell you) and some personal information that became known to the public, but it was kept as much on lockdown as the team could. I assume it was to give him as much privacy as possible. The big exception was, of course, his angry “I don’t like any guy on their team” monologue that burst out of him during a post-game during the 2012 playoff series against the Flyers. That was the most impassioned thing Sid had pretty much ever publicly said after years of spouting so much empty regurgitated hockey media bullshit otherwise. The media ate it up of course. In general both before and after that, there were a lot of press vultures circling during that time. After all, with all those injuries there was a lot of anxiety that, well: Sidney Crosby, generational talent and Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux’s spiritual heir, would never play hockey again.

That brings us to the summer of 2013. Nate gets drafted. Sid is looking at the starting line of his first full healthy season in three years. Now, Sid and Nate actually met for the first time in the summer of 2011 by all accounts (which is narratively interesting to me, personally), and the high-knees story is from then, but after Nate’s draft is when they really started growing closer and becoming friends. Apparently, the day after Nate’s draft is when the sand-dune story happened, and according to Nate, they didn’t really know each other much then. But it seems that since they’d been in each-other’s orbits for a while (since Nate’s early teen years they’d shared an agent, Pat Brisson, and a personal trainer, Andy O’Brien), this is around the time they started becoming friends. I imagine it happened pretty organically. Who knows, there’s not too many details out there— but I like to think they gravitated towards each other the way only two maniacally obsessive peas in a pod can, that they took one look at each other and recognised oh, yeah, this guy’s the same as me. I like this guy.

For those first two seasons after Nate got drafted, Sid was mostly focused on silencing the haters who’d been banging pots and pans since 2011 that Sid needed to be taken to pasture at a farm upstate, and Nate was mostly focused on not being a first overall bust after media pundits were traumatised by the Oilers fucking up too many top 3 picks (RIP Nail Yakupov). There wasn’t a lot of information about them out there publicly. Same old hockey robot media trained stuff you could expect from “Face Of The League” Sidney Crosby. At the NHL Awards in 2014 Nate won the Calder and Sid won the Hart, Ted Lindsay, and Art Ross, and as we found out via Geno’s instagram in 2017, Sid has the picture of the two them from dinner that evening framed in his house (very casual, Sid).

But around 2015 something funny started happening. Sid went to Worlds with Nate, despite the fact that he hadn’t gone since 2007 (where Canada placed 4th. 10 bucks says that was a superstition thing too, like maybe Sid thought not medalling gives you bad mojo or something). After that, they spent three weeks in a condo in Santa Monica together (which we found out several years later in an article). They started wearing matching socks to go golfing. Nate and Sid started doing the Tim Horton’s ads together. Sid did the inaugural Hockey School at Cole Harbour Place and Nate helped him out. Nate took part in Sid’s birthday skate. PensTV was even allowed to come film them (something they hadn’t really done too much of before) to make a little documentary called There’s No Place Like Home With Sidney Crosby, which won him his first Emmy (I assume mostly because people were so gobsmacked by the concept of him talking about his personal life that that alone merited an award. It’s either that or the magical appearance of a hummingbird behind him like he’s a fairytale princess at the end, who knows). All in all, while nothing had happened much in the public eye between Nate and Sid (apart from some wildly embarrassing tweets and instagram posts, Nathaniel), there was evidence of something monumental having happened behind the scenes. It was wild. After years of iron control and media-trained-habits-only in public, Sid was letting his personality shine through on camera and in front of the media, and being affectionate with Nate in public (who was a giant goofball around Sid, of course). And Sid looked happier than he’d been in years! Admittedly, some of that was probably because the Injury Years also just sucked, but he was openly having fun hanging out with Nate on camera, saying yes to media engagements he wouldn’t have said yes to in a million years. Willingly! Not because it was a sponsorship or a team obligation! And it kept happening! In some more recent articles, we found out fun facts like that Sid cooks for Nate daily in the summer after they work out in the mornings (which, the fact that that information is publicly out there— wild).

In 2016, after he won the Cup again, he did another Tim Horton’s Ad with Nate. In early 2017 he attended his first All-Star Game in 8 years (and finally scored a point), and PensTV captured footage of Nate and Sid joking in Sid’s hotel room while Sid was getting dressed for an ASG event (??? WHEN will someone explain to me HOW they weren’t fucking beforehand?? WHY was Nate in Sid’s room while he was GETTING READY, I want ANSWERS—). And then, of course, the Pens won the second back-to-back and Nate fully BUILT A HOUSE almost on top of Sid’s and Sid willingly changed the build of his driveway for Nate to be able to build his house. Nate got a therapist in 2017-2018 and became a hockey monster, and then they did another Timmies commercial, yadda yadda, another million weird and codependent things have happened since then (yeah, I’m looking at the Buddy Basket for Avs’ Better Halves and the congratulatory vid for Sid’s 1000th game that was “too private to air” and the fact that Nate had to talk about Sid 0.5 seconds after winning the Cup). The point is that there’s a pretty obvious catalyst for all this shit happening, and his name starts with N and ends with athan Raymond MacKinnon.

And I know what you’re gonna say, there’s no proof Sid went to Worlds in 2015 or started being more open in public just because of Nate. They haven’t explicitly said that. But like. What else is there? Nate’s low-key been doing small local TV and media gigs since his teens; they even did matching His&His couples’ podcast episodes for Spittin’ Chiclets in 2019. You really wanna tell me that wasn’t Mr. Nathan I-Have-An-IMDB-Page MacKinnon? All I’m saying is that I only need to look at that blooper where Sid loses his shit just because Nate said “Sidney” to know that that’s love, baybey.

(i know that’s a gif from a different year, 2018, but i can’t find the right gif right now and sid cracking up because he thinks nate is thee most hilarious person on earth will always be great to see)

Favorite mcdrai gifs?

*cracks knuckles*

absolutely!

10. that time connor wore leon’s hoodie for an interview when they’d barely been lineys for five minutes at the end of his rookie season (x)

9. that time they flew to Leon’s hometown for a game and Connor almost wiped out LEAVING THE ICE like a baby gazelle who doesn’t understand legs or something idk and Leon immediately puts his hand on Connor’s back to steady him and make sure he doesn’t embarrass the whole team or injure himself because Connor cannot be trusted with his own body or something (x)

8. that time when they’d just lost a playoff game and Connor got his captain on and tells Leon “let’s go!” like a rallying cry for the next game. you’ve got Leon looking thoughtful and hot with his full playoff beard, Connor knowing what to say to get Leon in the right frame of mind for the next game, Connor not letting him dwell on losing a game, it’s a nice insight into how they work when they’re not winning (x)

7. that time i wanted to do a fucking murder @ sportsnet because they cut away just as Connor was laughing at Leon so much that he was falling into him WHAT THE HELL SPORTSNET (x)

6. that time Leon held onto Connor and didn’t let go after he scored. like, you’re down 4-1 in the 3rd my dudes, there’s no reason to be cuddling this hard after a pity goal. anyway, i love it because Connor looks like he’s just taking a moment to breathe with Leon, like they’re so in sync at this moment? and Leon’s just holding on, letting him breathe (x)

5. that time Connor hit 100 points for the first time and won all the awards and Leon was so happy for him (and himself because he got a nice bonus out of it too). just to clarify, they’d already hugged. this is a follow up hug and klef is just skating behind them, all amused at their snuggles (x)

4. remember when Leon went to All Star for the first time and Connor was SO HAPPY to have someone with him and they were inseparable and then Connor ASKED LEON WHO HE THOUGHT WOULD WIN some competition, I forget what. Anyway, look at how Connor’s all oh you think I’m gonna win? while he BLUSHES FURIOUSLY like shut up Connor, you’re great and we all know it and more importantly, Leon knows it and validates your weird Canadian modesty and then, THEN Leon says ALWAYS and I would like to sob into a pillow, thanks. (x)

3. that time i fell in love with them. i mean, that time Connor fell in love with Leon. I mean, that time we all realised Leon had a sense of humor. I mean, that time it became obvious that these two were super close. i mean, that time they figured out they were hockey soulmates or whatever and no one’s looked back since. does anyone else bring out this side of Connor so beautifully consistently because whatever Leon does, I’m into it (x)

2. that time they were really happy they were finally going to play playoff hockey. or maybe they’re just super stoked to score in OT together because this was 2017 when it was a novelty instead of a foregone conclusion. either way, Leon’s screaming happiness at Connor  and Connor gets to show emotion because he’s on the ice. looking at them, it’s pure joy (x)

1. that time Connor’s injury was way worse than anyone knew and Leon stopped to check in on him and CRADLED HIS HEAD SO SOFTLY AND GENTLY AND I DIED BECAUSE OH MY FREAKING GOD Leon doesn’t do this shit (at least not with cameras around) and yet?? it’s a rare off ice moment that means more than all the goals and celebrations and being totally awesome hockey players (x)

NHL x internet 7/?

NHL x text posts

hey this is part 2 out of ???

local ace arospec has a gaggle of babygirls

every saturday passes me by and i think maybe i should post those fun little textposts that i enjoy making because they make me laugh. and then i don't. this has been in my drafts since late october. all i had to do was tag. and yet. and yet, | spotify wrapped sucked this year and it made me remember youtube rewind's existence somehow. anyone remember her? she was great. anyway, if you also want to go back in time, click here!

anyone wanna sit together in silence while you do your thing and i do my thing and we do our things. together. in silence

rejection sensitivity is so fucking lame. like boo hoo look at me i felt mildly ignored for 30 seconds and already started planning my own funeral liKE BITCH CHILL it was never that serious

oh hell naw bro not my sport 😭🙏

my top hobbies are shame and embarrassment but i also occasionally dabble in envy

he's doing so fine, actually, why do you ask

I rlly love act 1 of arcane if you can’t tell

ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVS FROM LAST YEAR

Jayvik, the missing years 1\2

I hate my weaknesses- they made me who I am

not normie enough to fit in but not fringe enough to lean into being a freak, worst of both worlds, pure liminality, just the weird coworker, and unrelatable classmate. and your mutual

everything is so funny. When i ignore the dread

lately i have been making some absolutely hilarious artistic liberties

odi et amo.

Blood eagle detail

Smile

I'm ready to let myself look for love

I must ask how my Most Favorite Boys, Jushiro Ukitake and Shinji Hirako, are doing in AEIWAM?

When Shinji returns to his post as Captain of the 5th after his exile, he is DETERMINED to not repeat his past mistakes and actually get to know the shinigami serving under him. He needs... Some kind of event, something people will voluntarily attend, where they'll tell him about themselves, and with a bit of structure because he is an awkward sod, and social interactions need RULES, DAMMIT-

"Now hang on-" says Shinji after staring at the blank office wall in silence for the last thirty minutes. "-that's not a bad idea!"

"...Is he okay?" Lieutenant Momo asks quietly.

"Oh yeah, he's always a little freak. Talks to himself and gets a lot out of the conversation." Also Lieutenant Hiyori nods. "You don't need to worry until he breaks out the craft supplies."

"He just pulled out a bunch of markers and construction paper." Momo pointed to their captain as he scribbled furiously on the paperwork he was ignoring.

"Aw. Fuck." Groaned Hiyori. "Well this is gonna be cringe as hell."

***

A few nights later, most of the fifth division assembled in the auditorium, slightly confused, but they had been promised there would be no additional work from this meeting, and there was an open bar, so they were in figurative and literal high spirits.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Fifth Division, welcome to TONIGHT'S GAME!" A cheerful and showman-like voice called out over the speakers, and the stage curtain rose to reveal a brightly colored game show stage where there had not been one before.

"Tonight's lovely contestants are- all the way from payroll, it's Fifth Division Tenth Seat Tenya Danshin!" The voice called out as the familiar face of their payroll and scheduling manager trotted out onstage and took his place behind the first of three podiums. There was some scattered and genuine, if confused applause from the audience.

"He's Big, he's Bad, he's just a little Bizarre, he's Josuke Araki!" The voice continued as a notably tall and muscular member took his place behind the middle podium with a wave and broad grin. There was more clapping and a few cheers this time.

"Currently being dragged onstage by my lovely assistant, it's my second favorite Lieutenant, Hiyori Sarugaki!" The voice continued as Hiyori was wrestled onstage and behind the third podium by Momo. The audience whooped and snickered at the spectacle.

"FUCK YOU, YOU FREAK!" Hiyori roared, flipping off the audience and the figure behind the final podium on the other side of the stage.

"I'm your host, ME! I've been here the whole time!" Grinned Shinji, dressed in a rather snappy three piece suit and holding a microphone. "WELCOME, all my lovely division members and Hiyori, to Tonight's Game! Now, you all know how to play, right?"

"Um. No. Sorry sir." Muttered Tenya as Josuke shook his head.

"You didn't tell us shit!" Hiyori growled.

"That's RIGHT!" Shinji's Cheshire Cat smile shined under the spotlights.

"You see, I wanted to get to know everyone in the 5th a little better, and there is nothing quite like a game show to get people to reveal some truly startling sides of themselves, but playing the same game over and over would be boring! So, every night we play Tonight's Game, the game is a different game than last time, and the contestants will all start with blank slates!" He explained, entirely too pleased with himself. "So- the only way to win is by learning, the only way to learn is by playing, and the only way to begin is by beginning, so without further ado- Momo, will you please bring out THE LIE DETECTOR."

The small curtains at the back of the stage opened, and Momo rolled out a cart with a strange device covered in dials and switches with a long antenna and a large lightbulb on top.

"Thank you Momo! Now, the clever bastards in the 12th whipped this up for me so I have absolutely no idea how it actually works, but I am assured this is the latest cutting-edge in Veracity Technology. Let's turn it on and try it out! Tenya-!"

"Yes, sir!" Tenya snapped to attention. "No need to be formal, I'm only your host, not your captain right now." Shinji waved. "Tell me Tenya- Do you have any children?"

"I- Um, my wife and I have three children, two little boys and our infant daughter?" He stammered, confused.

DING! The Device charmed, light bulb lighting up bright green.

"That is CORRECT!" Shinji grinned. "You get a point!"

There was another chime as the screen on the front of Tenya's Podium lit up and displayed a "1".

"Oh, I see!" Laughed Tenya.

"Josuke!" called Shinji.

"Capt- Host?" Josuke stopped mid-salute.

"Very good! Tell me Josuke, do you live in the barracks?" Shinji asked with genuine interest.

"Uh, no. I live with my Mom." Josuke shook his head.

DING! Said the device.

"That is Correct!" Shinji nodded approvingly. "You get a point as well!"

"Oh, so, every time we tell the truth, we get a point?" Asked Josuke.

"Very quick on the uptake my friend!" Shinji winked. "Of course, as the game goes on, the questions are going to get much harder to answer Truthfully..."

Oooooooh! Gasped the audience, invested now.

"What happens if we lie?" Wondered Tenya.

"Even if we did- how would he fucking know?" Hiyori rolled her eyes.

"You can try it and find out!" Shinji grinned with more than a hint of Menace. "Hiyori! It's your turn!"

"Ugh. What?" She groaned.

"Tell me, When is my birthday?" Asked Shinji.

"I don't know and I don't care." She smirked, sticking her tongue out at him.

BZZRK! The Device buzzed angrily, and the light flashed red. OHH! laughed the audience.

"What the FUCK?" Yelped Hiyori.

"Ooh!" Shinji winced, thoroughly enjoying himself. "I'm afraid that is INCORRECT! According to the screen back here, you spent the better part of THREE MONTHS tracking down a specific part to repair my sound system and traveled halfway across the planet to deliver it personally to me on my birthday. So not only do you know, you DO care, and for that I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock you two points."

Hiyori's screen lit up and displayed a "-2"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Hiyori wailed. "You didn't even see me when I gave you that Banana Plug or whatever-!"

"I did not!" Shinji grinned. "-but The Device knows, and is infallible!" "That's terrifying!" Tenya laughed nervously. "Alright contestants, the questions are going to get harder now, so consider your answers to them carefully." Shinji warned, a finger up to his lips. "Contestants- does any of your underwear have holes in it?"

"...Can we refuse to answer on the grounds it might get us in trouble?" asked Josuke.

"Yes! But you won't get any points for that round, and you may not win our Lovely Prize this week. Speaking of- Momo! Will you please show our contestants what they're playing for this week?"

Momo emerged from backstage with a large, blank sign, which she turned over and held over her head for all to see.

AN EXTRA WEEK OF PAID VACATION

OHHH! exclaimed the audience, with a few audible mutters of Damn, a whole week? and How do you get on this show?.

"ALL MY UNDERWEAR HAS GOT HOLES IN IT!" Shouted Josuke, now with heavily-motivated enthusiasm. Laughter exploded out of the audience, thoroughly entertained.

DING! chimed the device, and the score on Josuke's podium went up.

"Josuke taking an early and shameless lead!" Beamed Shinji, delighted that his plan was working. "Tenya?"

"I-ah, I don't think so?" Tenya blushed. "I bathe the kids and get them ready for bed while my wife does the laundry." He tried to explain.

BZZRK! The Device contested, red light flashing and the audience howled with laughter.

"Uh-oh, that's Not Correct!" Grinned Shinji. "According to the device, a significant amount of your clothes have holes in them, and you don't notice because you get dressed in the dark. You didn't outright lie though, so you will only not get a point instead of a deduction."

"WHAT?" Yelped Hiyori, outraged.

"Yeah, that's fair." Tenya winced. "Seriously though- where does this thing get it's information from?"

"...Hiyori?" Shinji leered playfully at his lieutenant.

"Yeah, it's all got holes. They come that way- Two for my legs and one for my torso." Hiyori snarled.

DING! agreed The Device.

"That is *technically* correct, which is the BEST kind of correct! You get a point!" Shinji cheered, and so did the audience.

"FINALLY!" She shouted, but her eyes narrowed with competitive enthusiasm.

---

The game continued for an hour, with a mix of group and solo questions, but equal chances to score points awarded to all contestants. Josuke was shameless but ill-informed, causing him to fail several rounds, Tenya was honest even as his face flushed red and he crumpled behind his Podium. Hiyori did her best to be only as honest as she had to be, and as the game continued, they came to a three-way tie.

"Before we begin the final round-" Shinji said, intoning a gentle sincerity. "Contestants, you've been so honest with me. Like. Alarmingly Honest with me. So I need to be honest with you- I do know how The Lie Detector works."

There was a scandalized gasp from all three contestants and the audience.

"Okay- I *sort of* know how The Device works." Shinji admitted. "I don't know what 'Wiffy' is-"

"YOU MEAN THE FUCKING WI-FI?" Howled Hiyori.

"Oh, like you know how it works!" Shinji glared.

"It's using a radio frequency to transmit Data instead of an electrical pulses like internet usually does." She scoffed. "-AND I KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT!"

Shinji glared. "...I should deduct a point from you for insubordination."

"You can't do that, you're the Host, not the Captain!" Said Josuke cheerfully.

"Yeah, unless Host is a Military rank, it's arguing, not insubordination."

DING! Agreed The Device.

"DON'T GANG UP ON ME!" Shinji wailed. "Fine, fine. Anyway, I might not know how Why-Figh works, but I *DO* know how the device knows if you're lying or not. Would my Lovely Assistants please come to the stage?"

Momo emerged from backstage, wearing a labcoat and holding another device with an antenna that matched the Lie Detector, followed by a middle aged woman holding a Baby, an older woman, and Mashiro Kuna.

"Akkiko?" Tenya yelped, and his wife laughed manically.

"MOM??" Wailed Josuke.

"MASHIRO??" Hiyori bellowed, jumping up onto her Podium. "YOU SOLD ME OUT?!"

"FOR A BAG OF CORN CHIPS!" Mashiro cackled.

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN PAY HER?!" Hiyori howled at Shinji.

"She was gonna do it for free! I talked her UP to a bag of corn chips!" Shinji protested. "But YES! You've all been deceived! Hoodwinked!Bamboozled, even! Which brings us to our Final Question!"

The crowd roared with excitement.

"I started this game because I wanted to get to know everyone better- but I have to ask, how well do YOU know each other, and so I must ask you all if you know these people as well as they know you?"

There was a loud OOOH! of intrigue from the audience.

"Just to make it extra-exciting, all of these questions will be worth up to three points!" Shinji grinned, then slowly turned to the first Podium. "Tenya."

"Oh god." Tenya laughed nervously.

"Your lovely wife. You've been married for ten year now, so you theoretically know what she looks like, right?" Shinji teased. "So, for a potential three points and week of paid vacation- Do you know what color Akkiko's eyes are?"

Akkiko giggled, turning around as Tenya leaned as far forward on his Podium and squinted at her. With a deep sigh, he slumped over the podium in defeat.

"...I do not." He groaned and Akkiko cackled.

"That is CORRECT!" Shinji cheered.

"I'm not good with colors." Tenya tried to explain. "-this morning I actually asked her what color MY eyes are."

"YES! That's what I was waiting to hear!" Shinji shouted, pumping his fist in the air. "All three points!"

The audience cheered loudly.

Shinji turned to the next contestant. "Josuke."

"Oh no." Josuke giggled.

"What is your mother's favorite food?" Shinji asked.

Josuke stared blankly.

"SURELY you are not living in your mother's house and NOT COOKING FOR HER, are you?" Shinji asked with no small amount of menace.

"You're never going to get married if you can't cook!" Tenya nodded in agreement.

"I COOK!" Josuke protested. "...sometimes." he added, cringing.

"-So. What do you make for your beloved mother, who works so hard taking care of her adult son?" Shinji teased.

"LOTSA STUFF THAT'S WHY I DON'T KNOW!" Josuke wailed. "I COOK KATSUDON, I COOK RAMEN, I COOK CURRY, I COOK OMURICE- I EVEN LEARNED HOW TO COOK WESTERN FOODS LIKE LASAGNA AND CHILLI CHEESE DOG-! DING! Went the device, Josuke's mother holding the radio.

"Was your favorite in there Mrs. Akari?"

"Yes! I like Chili Cheese Dog." She smiled. "I always eat seconds!"

"YOU ALWAYS EAT SECONDS OF EVERYTHING I COOK I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE YOU LIKE THE MOST!" Josuke wailed.

"That is also true! He is a very good cook! And single!" She nodded up at Shinji.

"-And he's single!" Shinji grinned at the audience, some of whom whistled back. "Three points, for your culinary skills! Which means we have a Tie!"

The audience tittered with speculation and excitement.

"...Hiyori." Shinji grinned.

"You're a dead man as soon as you sign off on my vacation time." She glared.

"I mean, I can end the game right now." Shinji wagged his finger at her. "-But I can't resist the opportunity to humliate you. Now, You and Mashiro have been living under the same roof for longer than Josuke and Tenya have been alive, so to be fair to them, I'll ask you about someone you've met more recently but should still know pretty well-"

Hiyori squinted at him.

"-What is Momo's Favorite Animal?"

"What?" Hiyori laughed. "-Everyone knows it's Penguins!"

"Really?" asked Josuke. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah, I didn't know that either and I've served under her for decades now!" Said Tenya.

"What? How do you guys NOT know that?" Demanded Hiyori. "Her phone background is a Rockhopper Penguin, she's got a Fairy penguin squeeze toy in her desk for really long phone calls and she's always talking about wanting to go to the Tokyo aquarium in the living world to see them in person! She's even got a HUGE collection of penguin plushies in her r-" DINGDINGDINGDINGSING!! rang the Machine as Momo furiously pressed the button, face red as a beet.

"Wow!" Shinji smiled. "I'm surprised! You seem to know Miss Hinamori really well!"

"Uh, duh? We're colleagues." Hiyori rolled her eyes.

Momo sighed with relief.

"Interesting! Follow-up question- What's Mashiro's surname?" Shinji asked.

Hiyori blinked. "...uhhhhhhhh..."

"You heard Kensei yell it at least six times a day for the last century you jackass!" Laughed Mashiro.

"UHHHHH..." Hiyori paled, and the audience roared with laughter.

"Hmm... I seem to remember you pretending you didn't care about my birthday, and yet, you do- For you to remember her favorite animal and in such detail, Momo must be VERY IMPORTANT to you!"

The audience giggled Momo turned scarlet again and slowly crumpled into a ball. Mashiro vibrated with excitement beside her.

"Yeah?" Hiyori glared at Shinji. "She's the smartest person in the whole damn division and does half your job for you? If I win, I'm giving the week off to her just to watch you flail around without her! No wait- I'll set up the webcam and we can split the week off, go to the aquarium AND watch Shinji squirm like a worm an a-! Uh? Momo? You okay there?" She asked, finally noticing Momo laying on the floor, borderline catatonic with embarrassment.

"This is FASCINATNG!" Shinji grinned. "You are apparently so immune to embarrassment that you have somehow made it bounce off you and target Momo!"

"What's to be embarrassed about? I like her okay?" Hiyori blinked. "She's great! I wanna work with her forever!"

Shinji leaned forward on his elbows, chin in his hands and stared at Hiyori, positively vibrating with excitement.

"What?" She glared.

"You are. SO CLOSE. To comprehending something." He said, wide-eyed and delighted. "It's fascinating to see someone on the precipice like this."

Hiyori stared blankly at him. clueless.

"So you like Momo. We've established that." Shinji said, attempting to throw her a bone. "H- how do you think Momo feels about you?" Hiyori slowly lowered her gaze to Momo. The entire audience watched in hushed fascination as Hiyori frowned at the situation, thinking hard-

"...Momo?" Hiyori's voice was suddenly nervous. "Do you- have I just been annoying you? Becuase I can stop-"

Momo Hinamori was abruptly on her feet, crouched atop the Podium, fists balled in the front of Hiyori's shushako, pulling the blonde's face up so it was mere inches from hers. "HIYORI SARUGAKI YOU ARE THE MOST INFURIATING WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!"

"Fuck!" Hiyori yelped. "I'm really sorry, I'll- I'll leave you alo-"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO, MISSY!" Momo continued, grabbing Hiyori's face. "YOU'RE WINNING THIS GAME, YOU'RE SPLITTING THE WEEK OFF WITH ME, YOU ARE GETTING A HOTEL IN THE LIVING WORLD AND THEN *I* AM GOING TO-'

In the videotape of the game that mysteriously appeared in the ninth division later that week, the next forty-seven seconds of sound had been obscured by a single, loud, continuous "BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" sound, but Mashiro was visibly looking up some of the terms being shouted on her phone, Josuke's mother sprinted up to cover her son's ears to no avail, Akkiko was pointing between herself and Tenya with excitement, and Shinji's jaw fell so far open it looked like it had become unhinged from his skull.

"-AND IF EITHER OF US CAN WALK IN THE MORNING, THEN WE'RE GONNA GO SEE SOME PENGUINS!" Momo finished, staring Hiyori down with a terrifying blend of romantic fury and bloodthirsty lust.

Hiyori stared up, wide-eyed and expressionless, face clearly offline as she underwent several psychological and spiritual awakenings before her she slowly broke into a slow, stupefied grin "Oh you like-like me!"

"...Yes." Momo sighed, deeply pained and affectionate at once as the audience howled. "You're okay with... all that?"

Hiyori saluted Momo with an enthusiastic "-Yes, SIR!"

"NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKIN' ABOUT!" Shinji whooped with joy, jumping up and down, the audience on their feet with applause. "POINTS AND VACATIONS ALL AROUND, AND FOR BEING THE *MOST* HONEST, THE WINNER OF TONIGHT'S GAME IS MOMO HINAMORI!"

The audience cheered wildly as Momo scooped Hiyori up like a princess and carried her backstage.

"THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S GAME!" called Shinji over the din. "GOODNIGHT EVERYONE, AND GOOD FUCKING LUCK!"

---

As for Jushiro Ukitake, he appears on a special guest episode of Tonight's Game with fellow Captains Soi Fon, Byakuya Kuchiki and Retsu Unohana to play "Never Have I Ever" and *that* episode is widely considered to be one of the most scandalous and unhinged of all the games on Tonight's Game.

you’re a drug addict lying on your back in a tijuana hotel room

Kabuto's such a weird guy because he sorta befriends naruto, gives him advice and willingly helps him but afterwards he immediately drops out the exams so he can do some sketchy villain shit. He then tried to kill sasuke at some point until orochimaru was like oh hes my new body and he just goes ok boss. Oh and he also fought kakashi and got away and kakashi acknowledges how powerful he is and never thinks to bring it up to anyone else. He then betrays naruto without him even knowing up until they go out to find tsunade which is MONTHS after the chunin exams. He proceeds to beat the shit out of him whilst acting as orochimarus arms because he lost them and he was probably also wiping his ass at this point. He then leaves with orochimaru and plays nurse for a good few years until orochimaru was done shedding his skin or whatever he does as a weird snake immortal human tri hybrid and then when he does appears in shippunden hes feigning as a spy attempting to kill sasori of all people a member of the most dangerous organisation in naruto what the fuck was he thinking.

He's loyal but freakishly off putting to any outsiders because hes out here sacrificing anyone for orochimaru and speaking as if hes the centre of your world because he expects naruto uzumaki of all people just to know hes orochimarus left hand man slash special guy

We should have some