I Feel Like Something's Missing - Inside. Like, I Don't Want To Go Back Home, Well, I'm Not Having Any

I feel so fucking lonely

SPOILER FOR FLEABAG

Fleabag and Boo were not in love. They were not romantically attracted to each other. They had a strong, beautiful friendship which transcended amatonormativity. Their love was so deep and so meaningful that people who're limited by the belief that only romantic love can be so, cannot comprehend how friends can love each other so purely and deeply.

This is what our amatonormative culture is doing - it's robbing us of the ability to appreciate real friendship, one which isn't beneath romantic relationships, one which isn't placed on the bottom of a relationship hierarchy, one where best friends talk to each other, and treat each other as if they're lovers; because they are, they are lovers in the sense that they have unconditional love for each other, they are lovers in the sense that they started a café together and stayed together to run it, they are lovers in the sense that Boo was Fleabag's emotional anchor when her mother passed away, instead of her boyfriend. They are lovers in every sense, except for the romantic one.

Another thing I absolutely love about Fleabag - the show - is the fact that Fleabag's life didn't revolve around finding romance. She had fulfilling relationships with her best friend, her best friend's hamster, her sister, a practical stranger who saved her life and a priest who picked God.

She never made the priest feel bad for not picking her, never pressurised him to reciprocate her 'I love you', never slighted his relationship with God despite her being an atheist.

She was such a wholesome character and I fell in love with her in all the ways a person can fall in love with another person. I am so frigging heartbroken that I'll never get to experience the rest of her life, but I am also so frigging content with how the show ended. It was absolutely beautiful.

I genuinely don't feel any emotion, I'm great at facial expressions, I'm great at sounding like I feel things, and I realised that I have no empathy, absolutely nada. All the "empathy" I used to think was empathy was in fact only sympathy (not pity though!!!!!!)

My family constantly tells me how I never call them when I'm at my other side of the family's house and vice versa and that it seems as if I don't care about anyone because I don't keep in touch with them. And I feel terrible for the fact that I cannot feel that feeling of wanting to stay connected. My friends tell me they miss me and that they want to see me, but even though I say I miss you too, I don't, I honestly don't.

I only feel empty inside. Not numb, just empty. Only surface level emotions, nothing that's "deep".

I don't feel like I've numbed myself to those emotions. Numb feels like a balloon filled with air, the pressure is there against the balloon but it's just air, empty feels like a non-blowed balloon, with literally nothing inside

Another emotion I feel like feeling like a monster/terrible person/other very messed up things etcetc - but that's only when I'm having an episode. And I feel guilty only when someone tells me how uncaring I am and when I lie to people about it

But the thing is, this isn't a recent occurrence. It's been this way with my family since forever, they've always told me this. I made up excuses for myself and I made myself believe things, I didn't want to admit to myself that I genuinely couldn't feel. It was after I started learning about the difference between empathy/sympathy/compassion that I admitted to myself that I wasn't an empath and then gradually all this other stuff.

me, finally does something that I want to :

my family : you should think about us, the society, the world, that random stranger on the street and not just do what you like, why are you so self centered/you shouldn't do that, it's wrong, do it the way I told you to/do what I like, not simply whatever you want

me : 👁️ 👄 👁️

cishets™ : why do you have to make everything gay

me : we don't make everything gay, y'all made everything straight when you decided to close your eyes to how queer history actually was, and enforce heteronormativity and cissexism to such an extent that pointing out how un-cishet things actually were seems to you as if we're making everything gay, when in fact things were always already pretty much gay and you were just too bigoted to see it

TW : PEDOPHILIA, INCEST, BEASTIALITY, NECROPHILIA (SEX) EROTICA/FANFICTION

wellll, you know how a lot of people read and write erotica about all that, including beastiality, necrophilia etc even when they know and say that it's obviously wrong in real life? Like, how come people read and write such things even when -

1. They agree it's wrong

2. They wouldn't do it nor would they like someone to do it to them

3. Wouldn't watch it

Not talking about survivors in this case, as in, not talking about it as a form of catharsis or something in this case.

And not just that. Like, there are asexual people who read and write and enjoy erotica. Ace people who're sexual acts repulsed in real life.

So this is basically a bigger vaala question - if people wouldn't do it in real life, what makes them enjoy it? I don't know if I'm phrasing it correctly, but yeah.

And how do people feel aroused while reading things like necrophilia erotica when it'll disgust them in real life?

So many questions.

And like, there are fanfiction where one person is a literal child and the other an adult and the author obviously puts a warning, but people read and enjoy that - so many people.

Is it something about the taboo factor that excites them?

And my friend said people who go search for child involving erotica/fanfiction must have mild pedophilic tendencies, so I asked - "But shouldn't that mean that people who go search for and purposely read beastiality, incest (one of the most common) and other taboo vaala erotica have mild those tendencies too? And asexual people who read erotica must have mild those tendencies too? 🤔

It's so confusing and I have so many questions. I'm not looking for a moral judgement, I'm looking for the psychology behind it btw.

how to tell your family you got a boob tattoo :

step #1 - don't.

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

8 t hink I need helpProfessional jelp

And not just my this therapist vaala help

Because sometimes I scare myself a

Nd I know I tell you still

Stuff

But trust me

What's going in my brain is so much worse than the stuff I tell you

The reason why I tell you so much in the first place is cause there so much more and if I didn't tell you the bare minimum I'd go out of my mind

And I need hekp

Please

List of movies I want to watch but cannot find ANYWHERE

Billy Elliott

Vita and Virginia

Looking for Langston

Rafiki