In Case Someone Is Reading This, Just A Trigger Warning For Death And Stuff Okay

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

I deleted my previous rant in the hope that my post would be posted since the reason they showed was I had reached my limit, but nope. hahahahaha🙂

My grandma has a friend who's in the houseboat business and my parents are planning for us to stay overnight on a house boat tommo, and my cousins are also coming along and i recently found out so is my aunt, and even before all that, i couldn't feel excited.my grandma looked so happy telling me about it but i just couldn't feel it and I don't know what's wrong with me

why am I so fucked up in the head why can't I ever appreciate things why am I such a downer

um so we have a group assignment and a person I already hold bias against (despite being a friend *sigh* splitting sucks) suggested a topic after I did and people liked that more + when I said it's all interconnected and could be a common one topic, another friend said ooh yes but then former she was like ya but let's not make it complicated and then everyone agreed and now I feel pissed and annoyed and I feel like I wanna tell them to fuck off and that I leave the group and that I'm not going to say anything else if they're not taking anything I'm saying (even if their points are a lil valid) and I'm taking it all personally and I wanna rage against all of them fuckers eventhough one of the other people in the group is a best friend and I feel sick with anger and I hate bpd fuck this fuck everything

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

I hate the fact that I'm so fucking fragile sometimes. Like, there are days when I have no energy and I like to make those days lazy days, y'know? I feel kind of numb inside, but light, and really smol™. And on these days, if anyone says or does the tiniest little thing, I get upset. Like, today for example, my socio ma'am raised her voice a little bit at me because she was getting annoyed at our class cause we weren't responding properly, and she was like I'm not talking about that when I accidentally said the wrong thing (she didn't say it in the bad way, she's an amazing person/teacher, she's my favorite) and I felt like crying, but I held it is. And then later on my grandpa scolded me for not obeying him and waking up early AT 7 (WTF, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN), and my grandma was like you better change from tomorrow before he stops saying nicely and starts getting angry and that made me sad. And then I was in a very fragile mood so I was spending a lot of time alone with myself, and then I spent some with my cousin. And after a while I was just feeling reallyyyy tired, so I stood outside looking at the sky and zoning out and she kept pushing my back, and it hurt a bit and I told her to stop it but she kept doing it, so I felt this very flat, no energy vaala anger and I told her if she does it again I'll push her back and she'll fall down because I'm strong, and she said no I won't, I don't mind, do it and I wanted to teach her a lesson so I did and she fell on her butt, and my dad started scolding me eventhough he was watching the entire thing. And that just added on to my fragile vaala mood, but I could control my tears and so I turned around to stare at the sky again after apologizing to her. But she started doing it again and I got upset and I stormed into my room and started crying. I feel so pathetic because I'm so fucking sensitive. Like, no person is this sensitive. WTF is wrong with me. A few days ago, there was this huge conflict at home, and just, I dunno. Whatever. I'm a bad person and I deserve to die.

I'm walking around the house braless and my grandma was whining about it and I asked her - in a very jokey/teesy tone - why she had a problem with it when I didn't, and that it was my body anyway, she was like I don't like you staying here, what about that then - what will you say to that. And I'm so fucking angry and upset and so, so done. I hate adults. I hate adults. I hate adults. They're insensitive, cruel and self centered.

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

This "there are no personal boundaries within a family" / "everything belongs to everyone" bullshit that adults preach about REALLY needs to end.

Boundaries are necessary everywhere - it doesn't matter how close a relationship you have with someone, boundaries ARE necessary. When an adult tells their kid "you cannot have privacy because there's nothing called privacy within a family", or "you don't own anything of your own - everything you have can be used by anyone in the family, it doesn't matter if they ask you for your permission first", or "you can make whatever comments you want on someone else as long as you're family" - you are not only teaching them that they have no individual value-- that what they say, or what they feel don't matter, but you're also teaching them to be inconsiderate human beings. This is wrong on so many levels and "it's our culture, we grew up like this and we turned out okay" mindset is MESSED UP. YOU DID NOT TURN OUT OKAY! A person who has no respect for another's boundaries or privacy or autonomy or property is not a sign of someone who has "turned out okay".

I am so, so, so sick and tired and just DONE with this shit.

wish I could leak my own nudes anonymously so that my family would finally stop fucking slut shaming and body policing me ://////