How Many Reminders Is Too Many Annoying Reminders?

I'm such a horrible person. I'm a terrible fucking person. I feel no emotional connection to anybody, I can't feel at all, but this is

I don't deserve people, I don't deserve anybody, I only deserve to die and fuck. I feel like I'm using everyone in my family and I feel like I'm a fucking monster of a friend. When pellle tell me that they miss me, I feel absolutely nothing. I feel so entho pole around Ammi that today when I was acting annoyed she legit told me that I don't even let her come near me anymore, in a whiney way but I know she genuinely feels bad about it and I'm a fucking horrible person and god why am I like yhis why eh why

When I opened up to my friend when she was doing a case study on me about the time Achan and I had a slightly troubled conflict vaala relationship I felt so fucking guilty because he's really nice and stuff and here I am talking bad about him, even if it isn't actually talking bad about him because I didn't say anything bad about him just what had happened but my brain is convinced that I was talking bad about him and I'm a bad person and I deserve to die and there's nothing for me to do than diw

I don't want to go back not because of corona or whatever I don't want to go back because I'm scared to be lonely and no one seems to take that seriously and they don't seem to realise how fucking painful it is for me to feel lonely. I don't know if people with bpd experience loneliness differently from nts but fucking hell I can't go back to something like that I can't I can't I can't I don't want to leave home and go back to my PG please please please

But I'm missing classes and I'll have to go back for exams but I won't be ready for that because I don't even feel like all this is happening in this reality, I can't comprehend that college is actually going on and classes are being took until someone talks to me about it, otherwise I'm completely detached and fuck I'm going to fail I'm not going to be able to write anything and on top on all this I'll just be a sad fucking disappoingment

My therapist is amazing he really is really good but my therapy sessions aren't stable and continuous and I have a feeling he thinks my diagnosis is a mild one so that's why I don't need as many sessions, I think so, I dunno but I do, I do, I do I really do but I don't know to tell him and I read and I see these therapists and therapy sessions in the stuff I read and I want something like that I want to properly work on this and be able to feel stiff like a functional human being and I want to stop living through life feeling empty not feeling any emotion not feeling like I have a proper connection with people not feeling like I love people

I went out with Sanju yesterday or day before or something and it was no nice but I'm trying to control myself and not feel too emotionally attached like I used to, maybe she's my fp or something cause she's the only person i um feel intense emotions towards, but that too isn't like typical emotions so I dunno. Anyway I've been trying to put as much distance between ourselves so it won't become that bad again so even if that means I won't ever get to be her best friend again like before it's okay because I don't think I can go through so much mental fucking pain again and I never want to treat her like how I treated her back then so I'll do my best to handle my emotions and if tgat means not being able to be like before then it's okay I'll suffer through her being close yo Sanjana and Aswathy and never me not me and I'll support her when she has boyfriends who she tells me about and I'll try to be a good friend the best I can because that's all I can fucking be because she doesn't know about queer platonic relationshios and she wooldnt want to be in one because she's a straight person who wants boyfrienfd and wouldn't want to be stuck with me and even if we do become best friends again I'll never be able to always hang out with her like I want to because we'll be far away from each other and because even though I'm platonically in love with her it would never work out she wouldn't be into it at all and it's as impossible and me being a functional human bueng so yeah and since I've properly convinced myself of that it doesn't hurt as bad and it's okay sometimes I let myself feel it when I think about the non-possibility sometimes rarely when I'm really happy like when she texted me first but that's only for a shoet moment cause I know how to control myself better now so yay

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

Ace/aro books coming out this year that I’m looking forward to!

Is Love the Answer by Uta Isaki - stand-alone manga about a college girl who discovers she is aroace. The same mangaka also did ‘Mine-kun is Asexual’ a couple of years ago which I liked, though it was much shorter, so I’m happy to see a full length release from them. This came out just last week, so I’m super excited to read it when it gets here!

I want to be a wall (Vol.2) by Honami Shirono - manga series - releasing 17th Jan. I already posted about how much I enjoyed Vol 1 of this series, but for recap it’s about an aroace woman and her lavender marriage to a gay man who is unrequitedly in love with his best friend. I’m really excited to see how their non-conventional relationship plays out :) it’s very slice of life and cozy!

I am Ace by Cody Daigle-Orians aka Ace Dad Advice - releasing 21 Feb 2023. I’m glad to see a book about a sexuality actually written for an ace audience, because I feel like a lot of aspec books/articles are aimed at raising awareness with allos. I’m excited to see how this one goes!

Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else - by Kayla Kaszyca and Sarah Costello - releasing 21 Feb 2023. I’ve listened to their podcast a bit over the years and I’m curious to see what they come up with in this book!

If you want to see a fuller list of all the ace and aro books coming out this year, check out this list HERE!

this pride month, let's make an effort to casually mention queer stuff around children instead of censoring it

it's like, Lou is talking to his younger self, telling him there's no point caring or speaking up against the fact that he's not allowed to show who he is openly. That he's not the first or the last who's going to have to hide who they really are just because of how messed up the industry is. And caring only kills love could mean caring about what the management or the other people say too much will only kill your love with the person you're in a relationship with (this could be what happened with Larry : Lou might have wanted to hide everything a little too much and Harry must've have walked away - like Lou says in his song, the day you walked away is the day I became the man that I am now; and like how Haz says in Golden, the other person is scared of being open because hearts get broken), and a kiss won't bring it back, which is pretty obvious.

There's nothing left to say since people have already said whatever there is to say and still nothing has changed - the industry is still the same, homophobia and the glass closet is still the same. So hush your crying, dry your tears, it's not going to make a change, it's not going to make an impact. Your broken heart is a copy of the broken heart of someone else and so on and on.

(I'm not talking about the glass and birds ka theory because people have already theorised that - the glass closet and the birds are the people, maybe Haz and Lou, or maybe every single person who had to hide who their truly were)

Spilt blood could be Louis actually believing everything their management told them, and the loss they had to face, all the pain they had to go through because they couldn't speak up or change anything. So there's no use in crying over all that - like he says in Too Young, he gives in to the pressure, he thought that a love like this would never last - and we can actually see parellels and connections to his other songs, his album and him, as an individual.

Like, damn, Louis Tomlinson is a goddamn genius and anyone who doesn't see this, see how much hurt he had to go through is a fool.

cishets™ : why do you have to make everything gay

me : we don't make everything gay, y'all made everything straight when you decided to close your eyes to how queer history actually was, and enforce heteronormativity and cissexism to such an extent that pointing out how un-cishet things actually were seems to you as if we're making everything gay, when in fact things were always already pretty much gay and you were just too bigoted to see it

Me : *watching something in peace*

My grandpa : ayyy, what's this ridiculous thing you're watching, change it and watch something else - there are so many good movies blah blah blah

Me : *thinks back to when he was watching a movie where a few misogynistic assholes were talking about a girl as if she was sex object, slut shaming her and literally texting her asking if the b in her name stood for blow job*

Me : I don't know why but I have a feeling your version of "good" and my version of "good" are quite different,,,,,,

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.