The Day I Learnt How To Check My Pulse, I Felt Like I Was Holding My Life In My Own Hand. It Took Me

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

TW suicide

Um, I keep watching new shows and new books and stuff so that I could be like oh let this one be over oh let this get over so that I don't reach the peak of suicidal thought? And um I just want a new therapist and proper therapy plan so that I could get Better Or in scared that I will reach and maybe go over that peak maueb

reasons to live-

The last few seasons of Grey's Anatomy

The stack of unread books at home

Yet to write love letters to all my best friends

Diana and Kuttus and kitties

Haven't got enough of eating certain food items

People in my life

Boating

Bianelle

Louis releasing COACOAC and Change

Reading COAGDP again

.

me, finally does something that I want to :

my family : you should think about us, the society, the world, that random stranger on the street and not just do what you like, why are you so self centered/you shouldn't do that, it's wrong, do it the way I told you to/do what I like, not simply whatever you want

me : 👁️ 👄 👁️

She and I : discusses what to post on activism account, decides on bpd info reel

I : work hard on it, and lists one description which goes "congratulated only with one word and no emoji?? Etcetc, time to grab the red marker" and sends it to her cause it's my first time making one and I thrive on reassurance

She : it's nice

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF READING ALL THOSE FUCKING THINGS I WROTE ABOUT BPD THEN IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO APPLY THEM YO, I LITERALLY *JUST* MENTIONED HOW ONE WORD ANSWERS LIKE THAT TRIGGER NY BPD AND SHE GIES AND DOES JUST THAT LIKE WHY

me, thinking: *don't say it, don't say it, istg if you say it-*

my family: "it's for your own good, we're only thinking about what's best for you"

me: *control, deep breaths, control, deep breaths, control, deep brea-*

family: "if we didn't care about you, we wouldn't say all this to you"

me: *BOOM* *EXPLOSION*

PLEASE STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ME IF THAT'S THE REASON FOR Y'ALL TO SAY INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING BULLSHIT

I have achieved the trifecta of unhealthy coping mechanisms - binge drinking, binge eating and self harm 🫠

how I practice - chewing gum when I feel like binge eating; eating when I feel like drinking; drinking when i feel like self harming; self harming when I feel like dying

alternative coping mechanisms - cutting hair, reading fanfiction, masturbation, sleeping, texting friends/my therapist, waking my mom up and crying to her, and writing in my diary~

adaptive coping mechanisms - safe space imagery, icing, 4-4-4 breaths, texting my therapist/friends, diary writing, chewing gum

thoughts i had/have as a person with BPD that I need to let out or might drown me with guilt and shame:

I want to break up with my best friends because they both have romantic partners now; and they don't like my write-up posts anymore and they don't interact with my insta anymore. Because i feel like something has changed between us after the last time i broke up with them when I was drunk and having a breakdown

I want to cut out a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me in a long while, even to my happy birthday message on her birthday; but i see that she hangs out with others because a mutual friend posts pictures of them having out and clubbing together

I feel chronic loneliness and i hate everybody.

I want to die because i want to break up with everyone and that's not possible without death.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't commit to anything, I can't stick with anything, I have absolutely no motivation or drive to do anything that requires even minimal effort. I don't register for webinars due to the fear that I won't be in the "mood" to attend it when it starts, I don't give my name for or take part in any program that my drama club plans/conducts (online, of course) because I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so frigging average - I'm not the best at anything, I don't do anything well. I don't do yoga everyday the way my teacher tells me to do because I don't feel like it at all. My core is empty and I feel nothing.

I feel like such a worse of space, such a disappointment of a person, a dysfunctional human being, a good for nothing. Is this laziness, or is this something worse? I don't even know.

zlibrary gone... FUCK TIKTOK FUCK BOOKTOK I hope that app burns in hell