Random Incorrect Quotes And Vibes From The Bleach AU I Will Probably Never Write (Rukia Is Killed By

DOMESTIC AU sleepy rogers gets sassy 

What if: Both Ichigo and Urahara were booted back in time in the Swinging Pendulum universe?

Notes: Idk if I’ll continue this later (once those later SP canon parts are written). But I was in an UraIchi mood, and I’ve been trying to write some more of SP so here’s hoping this helps me get past that writer’s block.

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Part Seven; Jayroy or Jaykyle— I say polyamory

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

What if: the Gotei 13 offers Ichigo the creation and captaincy of the Fourteenth Division?

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

Pinglist: @queen-sands​

Notes: Literally no plot happens here whoops.

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Stucky & bed sharing. Especially when it's randomly casual. Like oh not enough beds? No prob we can share. Or fuck that was an exhausting mission I need a nap shove over. Just. My heart bursts.

This goes along well with that trope of “we’re totally a couple but we don’t know we’re a couple” that I absolutely fucking love tbh.

They share all the beds. All of them. They sleep together, nap together - in fact, I daresay they don’t get in a good sleep unless they’re together. 

And they know all of each other’s worst sleeping habits.

If Steve sleeps on Bucky’s left side, he kicks during the night. Steve is the worst cover hog of all time but he makes up for it by also being a human octopus. 

Bucky cannot even begin to tell you how many mornings he’s woken up trapped by the limbs of Steven Grant Rogers. No matter how they fall asleep, no matter if they’re not even touching when they fall asleep, when he wakes up, Steve is plastered right to him.

His life is so hard.

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funniest 'Jason Todd comes back as red hood and starts talking to the bats without telling that he is, in fact, Jason Todd' trope is where Red Hood starts becoming minorly friendly with the bats and lets slip that Jason Todd is indeed still alive, but not that he is him.

now this can result in multiple outcomes, however i think the funniest possible version is the version where while Dick is bemoaning about the loss of his little brother and how great Jason is and how he wants to talk to him again, and without a second of hesitation Red Hood just nods his head and goes 'oh yeah, hottest robin by far, too. sexy as shit, that guy is.'

this results in the entire bat family fully believing that Jason Todd was somehow revived and taken to the LOA where he met and fell in love with this murderous assassin known as Red Hood, and the two are currently in a relationship.

Jason, petty and pissed at his family, decides: holy shit that's funny. and he goes along with it, meaning there are multiple occasions where we get interactions such as

Batman, brooding on a rooftop: the second Robin... he has always had such a big heart.

Red Hood, cartwheeling in the background: big dick too, godDAMN

Batman: i am begging you to stop.

---

Nightwing: you're DATING my little brother? AND YOU WONT LET US TALK TO HIM?

Red Hood, full of shit: he's too busy visiting venues for our wedding next autumn. and before you ask, no, you're not invited.

Nightwing:

Batman: you mean to tell me, you're marrying my son, and you won't allow us to be at the wedding?

Red Hood: Jason's decision.

Batman:

Red Hood: Green Arrow's walking him down the isle

Batman: ok thats it-

---

Red Robin: so is your fiance happy about all this crime lord murder stuff?!

Red Hood: my future trophy husband understands that if he's going to be able to sit and look pretty for me, then I need to bring home some serious cash, now stop interrupting my work.

Red Robin:

Red Hood:

Red Hood: for real tho, Jason's so hot-

Red Robin: STOP IT

bonus scene:

Dick: Damian, did you know about this?

Damian, hasn't been paying attention: know about what?

Dick: Jason's engaged to Red Hood!

Damian:

Damian, knows full well Jason is full of shit because he grew up with the guy in the league:

Damian: hes what now

Jason in the background: *violently gesturing death threats*

Damian:

Damian: yes. i'll be travelling home in the fall to be the flower boy. I believe Todd has already picked out my suit.

Dick:

that christmas, Bruce Wayne receives a card with an obviously photoshopped Red Hood that's got his arm around Jason's shoulders, who also has a photoshopped wedding dress on. Damian is stood in front of them, a 'just married' banner in his hands, looking very much like he was paid to be there.

Dick never forgives Jason for making him think that Alfred was invited to the wedding and he wasn't.

I was rereading My Ananke and got to chapter 5. Literally all I can think about now is Obi-Wan and Anakin together on the study abroad program and how much TORTURE Obi-Wan would be in. Anyway, I love that fic. Thank you for writing!

🤍 So this is an infographic on my old school’s Rome study abroad program. Let’s investigate and see all of the ways that Obi-Wan would suffer!! I imagine that all of these Problems immediately flashed through his mind as soon as Quinlan made the suggestion.

1. Housing—Possibly be placed in an apartment near Anakin, and run the risk of seeing Anakin glistening and panting coming back from a jog in the morning. Very probably would end up walking to or from the apartments to the Rome center with Anakin, strolling through the Eternal City with a beautiful boy. Unacceptable.

2. Espresso—Guarantee that Anakin will learn Obi-Wan’s routine and preferred places and want to come stand very close to him at the bar and drink his espresso. Anakin might even get a cappuccino and get foam on his face, like the whipped Frappuccino debacle of the previous spring. Unacceptable.

3. Lecture—The Rome center is a converted fifteenth century castle, and the classrooms are filled with beautiful frescos. Anakin reading Greek in a spare classroom with fluorescent lighting is a familiar disaster, but hearing him read Latin instead, giving voice to the Aeneid or some Odes in a beautiful palace. Unacceptable.

4. Lunch—Campo de’ Fiori houses a market during the daytime, well-known for its flowers and fruit and vegetables. It would be like going to the farmer’s market near the university on with Anakin, except worse, because Anakin speaks zero Italian and would look at Obi-Wan hopefully for him to translate for him, and then gratefully when he does. Unacceptable.

5. Walking Tour—See above re: strolling around the Eternal City with a beautiful boy. Would he forced to continually remind himself that the rest of the class is there too and not just speak to Anakin tagging close at his elbow. Anakin would ask him interesting questions, listen to him explain obscure facts, look at things when Obi-Wan pointed things out and make impressed noises. Unacceptable.

AND YET all of these are relatively small, and fine, because nothing compares in terms of suffering with

6. Dinner by candlelight with abundant wine—Obi-Wan would probably try to artfully sit as far away from Anakin as possible, and then for all his efforts end up sitting directly opposite him down the long table, which is absolutely worse than sitting next to him, and he should have realized but he didn’t. He would have to keep his attention on his plate or the people close by, or else get stuck watching Anakin’s cheeks flush pinker, lips stained red with wine, eating good food and laughing, head tipped back, neck long. He’d be able to feel Anakin’s eyes all evening, more and more as the wine flowed. Would make the mistake of eye contact once, get stuck, the rest of the room falling away, and Anakin would be all he could see. Then they better not be stumbling back to their apartment building together after, or else they might get lost in an alley, against a wall, and allllllllll of Obi-Wan’s years of pining and self-control would be for nothing. Unacceptable.

I'm a slut for your oblivious couple 'verse. also I'm a slut for steve's tiny waist and slim hips. and imagine bucky always put his arm around steve's waist. I mean, he used to put his arm around tiny!steve's shoulder, but it'd be a bit uncomfortable because steve is much taller now. so waist then. totally oblivious that he looks like a possesive boyfriend. and doesn't understand the other avengers' sighing and eye-rolling. because they are not a couple. XD

omgosh yes :D

And Bucky putting his hand at the small of Steve’s back. Sometimes it’s when they’re in the kitchen and Bucky needs to get something outta the cabinet above Steve’s head, sometimes it’s when they’re out and about or at a gala and Bucky is guiding Steve through the crowds.

When they’re eating – either out or with the others – Bucky probably does put his arm around the back of Steve’s chair. Everyone has to sit through a meal pretending that Bucky doesn’t play with Steve’s hair or put his hand around the back of Steve’s neck whenever Steve leans back.

Harder still to ignore is the way Steve kinda just melts into a puddle of happy vibes every time it happens.

obsessed with like, Jason who absolutely refuses to reconcile with the bats. he wants no part in that family and will not talk to them under any circumstances. but he's legally dead with no friends and sometimes he gets sick of being completely by himself and wants to have company. so.

Bruce: hey Alfred have you seen my-

*comes into kitchen to see Alfred calmly preparing dinner while Jason Todd, Killer Red Hood, silently does paperwork while sat on the corner of the kitchen counter*

Bruce:

Bruce: uh-

Tim, doing homework at the table: don't mention it. if you acknowledge him he'll leave. he just likes being around people sometimes.

the bats have to start treating him like a stray cat, letting him go to them and acting completely unbothered by his presence because if they even make eye contact with Jason he'll jump out the window and they 1. won't see him for a month and 2. will start to see a lot more murders cropping up around gotham.

eventually it gets to the point where Dick will come to dinner to see the rest of the family wordlessly ignoring the brick shithouse of a man who is just sat on the floor of the dining area reading a book and he has to just. take a breath and pretend Jason isn't there. calmly stepping around him without acknowledging him. Alfred will silently place a plate of food by the guys elbow while speaking to Damian about school. When they decide to move from the table to the tv room for a movie night none of them can even look around when they hear him eventually follow just to sit in the corner of this room instead.

Bruce: I'm concerned, this is abnormal for Jason. what if he's been drugged with something? or he's trying to gain sensitive information?

Damian: actually he used to do this a lot after he came out of the Lazarus pit. he liked to sit in and watch me train, and occasionally we'd find him sat by grandfathers feet while he ran meetings. Mother says it's important to let him settle, because it's likely that he's simply craving human intimacy on his own terms for once.

Bruce, crying: oh

Jason still refuses to say a word to any of them unless it's in costume, and even then it's the same old 'i'm not your son! i'm not one of you! fuck off!' shtick like normal. they just have to accept him sneaking into the house every now and then too.

one time Tim needs Red Hoods info on a case he's working and since Jason's been sat on the floor against the wall of the bat cave for the past 45 minutes just. staring into space and vibing. he risks sliding the file across the floor towards him before pointedly turning back to the batcomputer, the info he needs marked clearly. five minutes later it's wordlessly slid back, info filled out and Jason refusing to acknowledge Tim's existence again. it's the only way he'll communicate with them.

after a while it gets to the point where Jason will straight up go to bludhaven and break into Dicks apartment just to silently sit in the corner of the room and Be Around A Familiar Person. Tim comes back from his lunch brake at WE to find him sat on the edge of his desk, working through a case. They work in silence for the rest of the day and when Tim leaves Jason just follows. They get a batburger together but the second Tim slips up and asks how his day was he's off like a shot. Damian regularly eats lunch at school on the roof while Jason plays mario kart on a DSI next to him. Batman will be 4 hours into a solo stake out when civilian Jason will silently slide up next to him with a crossword. they never talk. Jason still makes it clear that he's pissed at Bruce. Bruce doesn't know what else to do but let him be and hope eventually, with enough time, things will progress even further.

Dick, whispering so Jason won't pick up on the fact that he's being perceived: are you sure this is normal

Damian: is anything about any of us normal

Tim: he's got a point. at least we know Jason's watching us. I did this shit all the time before I was Robin, and none of you ever noticed me.

Dick:

Tim: sometimes its comforting to be in the same room as people you're familiar with, even if you can't handle interacting with them.

Dick, crying: ok