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More Posts from Rustedaloha and Others
Alabama Fixin To Keep Yoga Ban
by Da Bob In Alabama they don’t… Call you “Pretentious”… They say you’re “too big for your britches.” Don’t say “I’m about to”… They say “I’m fixin to.” Don’t get “Upset”… They “Throw a hissy fit.” Don’t say “It’ll be okay”… They say “God willin’ and the creek don’t rise.” And fervently believe that “Yoga”… Will make their chitlins Hindu! Read More...
by Da Bob for YEW Of course... I look forward to this annual pageant of beauty ever year. However, the older I get, the crustier I grow, the more uncomfortable and creepy I feel about ogling SI’s annual Swimsuit Edition. In short, I just don’t feel right about gawking at the assets of Generation Z. Read More - Da Bob - YEW
Campaigning for Aloha
by Rusty
Face it folks… the USA is on the brink!
On the brink of what, I don’t know… but we are definitely teetering on some sort of suicidal edge.
Whether Clinton wins or Trump tweets his way into the Oval Office… We’re screw!
You may think this rusty, old dude is exaggerating, but I am not. This is my warning, to the entire surf world, “Wake up and smell the poopie water you’re paddling in!” The flow of brown crap running down stream, out of this storm of politics, is of epic proportions... And this old dude sees little hope of us ever being healthy again.
Whomever wins, neither can unite our line-ups. In fact, both candidates are complete kooks; flawed as bad as Surfline’s forecasting abilities.
The Donald reminds me of crazy lady I use to surf with at the Trestles; a lady who completely owns her nickname… Danger Women. She is an accomplished surfer, but completely reckless! Everytime she took off on an wave, you never knew what she would do or where she would go. There were countless times I found myself facing down the 9 foot plus board of Danger Woman; feeling like there was target painted right between my eyes. Sometimes when I am alone, walking down the trail to Trestles, my mind flashes back to the haunting line-ups I shared with Mrs. Danger. I still hear her grunting take offs, see her flailing arms, whipping blond hair and rippling bikini clad muscles shredding over dozens of dazed & confused paddlers… Our country cannot survive a Trump styled “Danger Woman” presidency.
While Hillary on the other hand tries to showcase a calmer, more presidential demeanor… A facade that none of us are buying. Her tangle web of lies and cons resemble the life of surfing’s most talented shysters… Miki "Da Cat" Dora. Da Cat elegantly partied his way across the globe, writing bad checks, stealing wallets, jewels, purses and passports; never admitting to any wrongdoing before skipping out to the next cinematic surf spot. HRC must of met Miki somewhere along his trail of destruction. Perhaps, she was scorned by him in the 70’s, and because of that lovers quarrel vowed to scorch the remaining earth Miki never attended to. Whomever stole Hillary’s heart needs to return it and save us from a liberal tax-n-spend destruction.
So go forth and vote my fellow Americans and please only vote once in this decentralized, yet rigged election system. Afterwards, when this campaigning marathon ends, remember the importance of Ohana. Come the morning of Wednesday, November 9th, we will all need to begin mending this nation’s wounds by extending the tolerant and loving hand of Aloha to this Ohana of Americans.
Burnett’s Cocoaine Hair Oil
Besides my daily saltwater dip, this is the only hair product I use… Good old Joseph Burnett’s Cocoaine Hair Oil! Now don’t get all preachy on me and say, but Rusty “Just say no to dope” or “Ugh to drugs”. I am not dousing my grayish locks with Amazonian March Dust… Nope, the “Coco” is just coco-nut oil. It’s Rusty approved!!! Conditions the hair I have left, smells great and keeps the ladies sniffing around. #StokedTillDeath
Self Quarantine / Social Distancing
Everybody talking about... #SelfQuarantine??? #SocialDistancing??? What's the big deal? The wife and I have been quarantined from one another since she discovered @Amazonand I found @Pornhub!
Old Guys Rule... Through All The Pain & Medication
by Rusty
The crusty crew of surfers I normally paddle out with have had a lot to deal with lately. Many of us salt & peppered degenerates have really taken a physical beating this year. Our collective seasons of surfing have led up to... one slider replacing both knees, another to swap his calcified hip for space-age titanium and just the other day, a newly minted grandfather, to “Cheater-Five” his way to the emergency room with a dislocated hip. All of these high doses of medication and pain has caused me to seriously question one of surfing’s most marketable slogans, “Old Guys Rule!”
Do we really rule? This old guy has witnessed a significant amount of pain and must fully admit that his own personal threshold for such things is, no bueno.
After surveying a few older guys than myself these past weeks, I have discovered one common thread amongst the healthier old guys; that is, no serious, oxidized, slider has ever squeezed into one of those doomed, cotton-blend, t-shirts.
According to one ageless soul surfer - that I, as an aging grasshopper sit at the feet of - there is only one way to deal with this hex... Fire! “My grand kids love to buy me these kookie shirts and I love those little boogers,” he said with joy and pride beaming from his eyes. “I would never purposely break their little hearts, but for my own personal safety and those in the line-up around me, I torch those communist made pieces of cotton on the grill. As a sacrifice to the surf gods!” And for that sage piece of pain avoidance, I say “Amen!”
Lastly, this is for all my surf brothers who are still in traction or slightly induced comas... The hippy, hippy shakes of 1965′s “Beach Girls and the Monster” - video remix by The Copper Tones.
Shark Week Becomes Squalene Chum
We are only a few days away from one of the most loathsome weeks for surfers. A week of nightly TV that most of us salty, nasal drippers do everything to avoid. It happens every summer, that one week where the fun vibe in the lineup gets a bit frosty and sketchy; where freaky thoughts about oversized fish with multiple rows of sharp teeth swim through our collective domes.
It’s Shark Week on Discovery Channel. Oh, how I love this freakin’ week… Read More - Da Bob - YEW
I hate people who trash the beach & don’t share waves! Groms & their shitty music! Kooks who ride Costco foam boards! But my aloha spirt is still alive.
31 posts