spikyabyss

Latest Posts by spikyabyss

I’m not interested in a world where men really want to watch porn but resist because they’ve been shamed; I’m interested in a world where men are raised from birth with such an unshakable understanding of women as living human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by their exploitation.

One part of the abortion question people kind of need to just accept is thag there is no equivalent situation to having someone entirely encased inside and dependent on your own body. It's a unique situation unlike anything else. So the person whose body is used like that must be the ultimate authority in the situation.

I highly recommend that girls and women read

'Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office' by Lois P Frankel

'The Myth of the Nice Girl' by Fran Hauser

if they want to try to undo their female socialisation. I think like a whole new person after taking the advice in those books to heart.

when people say that women in the entertainment industry who are sexualised are expressing their own sexuality, i often think of these youtube videos that came out when i was a teenager from the buzzfeed try guys of all people

in the first one, they get styled and photoshopped the way male celebrities do, and in the second they are styled, posed and photoshopped like female celebrities

their comments are surprisingly insightful

"there was nothing human about that, i was just an object"

"in an effort to photoshop you more to female standards, your look has gone from 'i will either murder or fuck you' to 'wont you please come fuck me?'"

when women are styled this way, they aren't expressing their own desire, they're embodying cultural stereotypes that say women don't have their own sexuality, they are objects for men to project their own sexuality onto. and when male sexuality is caught up in ideas of dominance and conquest, performing for the male gaze becomes consistently degrading

queen shit

i find it genuinely absurd that forced-birthers expect us to treat the fetus as an individual. “what about the baby’s body and choice?” that is literally something attached to her organs the fetus is literally part of the woman’s body and OF the woman’s body like god did not put it there for safekeeping her body is fucking constructing it. it cannot be legally or physically independent from her—the fetus IS still her you goddamn fucking morons.

shit like this has bothered me since forever and I only realize why now, its because they try to break norms without going all the way through, to the point of going backwards. Yes, a man can be pretty and soft BUT that makes him a princess! Or a wife! Or a material girl!

Notice how the essential social meaning of princess and wife never change. Notice how they have trouble wanting to consider that pretty men can be pretty princes, or pretty husbands. Notice how the roles associated with these words (wife and husband will always mean entirely different things to them) never change. They cannot fathom it, and because they do not want to think without the base of stereotypical gender.

Its all 'FUCK GENDER ROLES', but babes you depend on them so much. Your whole ideology would crumble and you wouldn't feel so special anymore without those stereotypes. Which is why progress on gender roles is not only stagnating but actively regressing, now anyone can opt into boxes that should have been destroyed long ago for the sake of true progress, but are being kept around for decoration.

do you know of any resources, books, advice, etc of how to help an abused women who doesn't leave her abusive, cheating and deadbeat husband?

I know many women can't leave due to financial reasons or lack of support system, and advice and resources I've seen were for this situation but this doesn't apply to her as she earns more than him and her family wants her to divorce.

she cries, vents and acknowledges that he hurts her but then defends him when her family and friends criticise his behaviour. she also left a therapist for being "too biased and feminist" so that isn't working either.

The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can give it to her under the pretence of trying to help her improve her relationship and you can explain that it's written by a man (therefore not feminist right?) a man who has worked with men like her husband to better understand them. Abusive men typically become the centre of the world to their victims, so it might interest her to read about his psychology.

In reality, the book thoroughly debunks every excuse men find to abuse their wives.

posts that prove horseshoe theory. put respect on OSHA's name right now.

umm do you have any good gateway books into second wave feminism 😓

So if you want to read some of the defining books of the era I'd say

Sexual Politics, Kate Millett

Ob/Gyn, Mary Daly

Dialectics of Sex, Shulamith Firestone

Intercourse; Right-Wing Women; Woman Hating; Pornography; all four by Andrea Dworkin

Against Our Will, Susan Brownmiller

Ain't I a Woman, bell hooks

Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde

I haven't read it but I've also seen The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer recommended a lot.

These are all good starts for second-wave feminism imo. upon reading them you'll also find some recommendations to other books as second-wave feminists referenced each other pretty often.

I would also advise reading history books written about the second-wave on the side. For example, Jewish Radical Feminism by Joyce Antler shades some light on Firestone's, Brownmiller's and Dworkin's life and political perspectives that helps put their work in context. Another really good one is Battling Pornography by Carolyn Bronstein, you can read this in a series with Pornography by Andrea Dworkin and Against Our Will by Susan Brownmiller. And then you also have The Trouble Between Us by Winifred Breines, about the tensions between white and black, straight and lesbian, upper and lower class second wave feminists. Also a very interesting read that puts some works in context and still has strong relevance nowadays

Oh, so violent porn is just like other violent TV and films?

Okay, so all of the violence is porn is staged, right? All the bruises, the wounds, the injuries, those are just special effects, yeah? Or are they real? Then next time someone on TV has to participate in a fight scene, should they really throw hands and get their nose broken? If an actor is doing stage combat and accidentally gets punched for real, should we use that take, call it a success, and do nothing to amend the circumstances that caused physical harm to the actor? Should actors who are cast in violent movies simply expect to take a real beating (or two, or three, or…) as a hazard of the job?

The thing is, there are ways to fake combat, even in close proximity…but the porn industry doesn’t like that, because it’s not “real” enough. They’re not happy until a woman is really crying from real pain. This industry is a parasite that feeds off of female bodies and female pain (inflicted by male force).

can we please please please learn to differentiate between things that are good but devalued because of their association with women (caring for children, being compassionate), things that are neutral but seen negatively because of their association with women (the colour pink, having long hair), and things that are bad but associated with women because of misogyny (being materialistic, being stupid) because otherwise we’re gonna keep getting takes like “being gender nonconforming is anti feminist” and “not studying for your classes is feminist”

I keep saying over and over "read Robin Wall Kimmerer, Julia Steinberger, and Kate Raworth." And then everyone's like "okay whatever." And everyone goes back to reading Dworkin and Simone de Beauvoir and whatnot.

That's fine I guess. But there's some important time sensitive information and knowledge tools that every woman needs. Put Robin Wall Kimmerer, Julia Steinberger, and Kate Raworth at the top of your reading list. Read through their work and make sure you understand it. And then you can go back to reading whatever it is you were reading before.

We need women to take power and lead. So we need women to understand how the future is going to work. Unsustainable male systems are collapsing all around us. Men want to fill post-collapse power vacuums with progressively more desperate, violent, and unsustainable systems. To prevent that from happening, women need to fill power vacuums with sustainable systems. And if you want to understand sustainable systems, you need to read Robin Wall Kimmerer, Julia Steinberger, and Kate Raworth.

i fucking hate how western countries say “sex work is work” and then legalise prostitution. but what happens when, for example, in germany there are not enough german women who want to become prostitutes? are they advertising prostitution to women? do they start marketing campaigns to show how cool it is to be a sex worker? do they introduce more different people (men, old, kids) to prostitution? do they open SCHOOLS to teach more people how to be a sex worker? you know, just like they do with other jobs?

NO THEY FUCKING DON’T. THEY KIDNAP PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES AND MAKE THEM SEX SLAVES!!!!!

If it’s humiliating for a man to do then it’s humiliating for a woman to do, you’re just used to women being humiliated

reading about working class korean women who moved to america with their american husbands during the korean war

asexual sex workers are braver than any US marine

are there any studies on why women stay with abusive partners or what's the best way to help them?

I know the common reasons of financial dependence, fear of social backlash or lack of support system, etc. but I was looking for something more comprehensive. I know someone irl who doesn't face this common barriers but is still not leaving or accepting help to leave.

Hello! Given the topic, I'm moving this ask to the top of my queue. Anon, I hope this helps you! I may be reviewing some information you already know, but I think it's important for others who may not be aware.

Women stay in abusive relationships for a myriad of interconnected factors. I'll start with some research reviews on this topic:

This 2023 review of 10 qualitative studies [1] found the most commonly cited reasons women gave for remaining in a violent relationship were: feeling pessimistic about new relationships, feeling the relationships still provided for their need for affection, having positive experiences in the relationship, being dependent (i.e., materially or emotionally) on the partner, still having a positive view of their partner, feeling trapped, feeling social pressure to remain in the relationship, believing the conflict is normal, and feeling dating violence is taboo among some other factors. Together this suggests women remain in these relationships either because they justify or minimize the abuse (positive experiences, fulfill affection needs, normal conflict, etc.) or because they feel unable to leave or find a better alternative (social pressure, dependence, pessimism about other relationships, etc.).

This 2021 review of 14 studies [2] found "investment in the relationship, commitment, and the existence of structural barriers (e.g., with no own income) were negatively correlated with the breakup." This suggests that, beyond material needs, the sunk cost fallacy [3] is playing a role. Essentially, the sunk cost fallacy is a common cognitive bias that makes us feel as though we must continue investing resources in something (like a relationship) because we already devoted so many resources to it. Women in a committed abusive relationship may find it difficult to leave simply because they have already invested so much time and effort into the relationship.

This 2013 review [4] supports this idea, arguing that "while personal and contextual reasons for remaining in a relationship are important, we argue that factors such as the commitment process may be the most difficult to overcome." This is essentially the same argument as above, but discusses other potential mechanisms behind this, like the "Foot-in-the-Door effect and cognitive dissonance."

This 2005 dissertation [5] includes a section on the reasons women gave for staying in the relationship, including material deficiencies (e.g., no personal income, no safe place to retreat to, etc.), cognitive distortions about themselves (e.g., feelings of guilt or shame, feeling they deserved the abuse, etc.), cognitive distortions about the violence (e.g., believing it was normal conflict, minimizing the impact of the abuse, etc.), and beliefs about other people (e.g., believing the abuser would eventually change, fearing their family's reactions, believing no one else would make them happy, etc.). They also note that themes in women's choice to leave included: the impact of the abuse on their children, a shift in their sense of self-efficacy, an escalation in violence, and their partner's infidelity.

This 2003 review [6] also indicates that both structural (i.e., material) factors and psychological factors (like the ones discussed above) play a role in women's decisions to stay. External resources appear to be particularly important (i.e., leaving is unlikely if she has no external resources even if she wants to leave), but after those are taken into account, psychological factors play a large role in their decisions to stay.

This 1998 review [7] describes the same types of factors. They also note that "many women have two conflicting emotions; they are tired of being afraid and wish to leave the relationship, but they also fear for their physical safety and that of their children if they try to leave their abusive partner." Unfortunately, this assessment is often accurate; continual harassment (sometimes through the legal system or their children) is common for women who have escaped an abusive relationship.

Some additional studies:

This 2015 study [8] analyzing social media posts found women's reasons for staying included themes of: distortions surrounding the violence (e.g., minimizing or rationalizing the abuse), low self-worth, fear of the abuser, a desire to save or help their partner, the presence of children, their family's expectations, and financial issues. In contrast, reasons for leaving included themes of: changed views on themselves or their relationships (e.g., realizing they deserved better or their partner would never change), receiving external support, feeling the need to protect their children, and fearing the escalation of violence.

This 2010 study [9] discusses types of beliefs about their relationships that are associated with leaving or staying. For example, they found conceptualizing the abuser with a "dual identity" (i.e., a good man who sometimes "turns into" a bad guy) was associated with staying, whereas believing being alone rather than in a bad relationship was associated with leaving. They have many other examples, but the essential point is that women are influenced not just by their circumstances but their beliefs surrounding those circumstances.

This 2006 longitudinal study [10] found seeking and not receiving outside help was associated with remaining in an abusive relationship.

This 2017 thesis [11] describes a "model ... for why women leave abusive relationships." The model steps “include gaining education to acknowledge red flags, awareness of the quality of alternatives, and realizing individual unhappiness.”

In other words, both material contextual factors like economic support and internal psychological factors help explain women's decisions to leave or stay with an abusive partner. Many of these psychological factors are based on common cognitive distortions. In other words, these factors are not unique to women in abusive relationships; instead, they are common among the general population. They should not be considered an explanation for why a woman is in an abusive relationship, but a partial explanation for why a woman may stay in an abusive relationship.

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Now, what can someone do to help a woman in an abusive relationship? It's an unfortunate truth that you often have to wait for the woman to be ready to leave herself. In particular, if the reason she is staying is one or more of the psychological factors discussed above, you cannot change the way she thinks about her situation.

Anon, I know you mentioned this isn't relevant to you, but for others: on the other hand, if the woman is ready to leave but restricted by material factors, then you can help immensely by providing material assistance.

Making a clear and unqualified offer of material assistance, should she ever need it in the future, will also likely be invaluable for a woman who is not yet ready to leave. Her material resources will likely decrease the longer she is in the relationship. As such, this offer may become helpful to her in the future. It’s important that this offer is not conditional (i.e., does not require her to act in a specific way or timeframe).

So, what can you do for someone who isn't ready to leave? These suggestions are based on statements from various domestic violence organizations, which all have slightly different worldviews. For examples, see [12-14], but you can likely find similar resources from an organization with your preferred worldview. (Or the worldview of the woman in the relationship.) I am also drawing from the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft [15]. (Also, Anon, I am using the general "you" here.)

You cannot force someone to leave, nor should you try. One of the central components to an abusive relationship is the control the abuser exerts over their victim. The victim is left feeling helpless, like she has no control over her life or her choices. Helping her regain a feeling of control over her life is a vital component for helping her eventually escape the relationship. This cannot be achieved by forcing her to leave, persistently arguing, or confronting her abuser, as all of these deprive her of further control.

Offer and provide emotional support (e.g., listening to her feelings, commiserating with her complaints, and taking her side in arguments).

Use supportive language. Don't say anything that could convey blame or disbelief (e.g., "What did you do to provoke him?", "That doesn't sound like him?", etc.) or judgment about her choices (e.g., "I always told you I hated him.", "I told you so.", etc.)

Maintaining contact with the victim. Abusers try to isolate their victims, so maintaining steady contact even if she seems to "drift away" will help prevent him from managing to fully isolate her. This is also another reason to try and avoid direct conflict or arguments with either her or her abuser. Abusers are skilled at manipulating people's interpretations of events; a well-meaning argument from you about how she "has to leave or he'll hurt her" will turn into "she's trying to drive us apart because she hates that you're happy" (or some other twisted interpretation) which he’ll use to isolate her from you.

In a similar vein, abusers do not just manipulate their victims; they manipulate the people around them as well. Women often recount being characterized as dramatic, crazy, or even abusive by their abusers, and the people around them often believe the abuser because he acts "rational" (around them) while she seems to break down or blow up over "little things" (in response to a sequence of unobserved abuse). All of this is to say, never assume the abuser's rendition of events is accurate, even if you don’t understand her behavior. Further, make sure she knows you'll help her even if she does do something wrong. (An abuser can often convince his victim that she has done something wrong. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant at that point; what is important is ensuring she knows you will help her regardless.)

If she is amenable, help her create a safety or escape plan. If she is not, do your best to prepare some things for her. For example, making a "go bag" with clothes, toiletries, cash, and supplies for her children or pets if relevant; gathering information on the process for obtaining a legal help or non-profit resources in your area; having records of some helpful resources phone numbers and a prepaid phone; etc.

Don't confront her abuser. This will put both you and her into danger.

If you have reason to believe she is in imminent danger (i.e., at risk of death or serious injury at that specific moment) then you should call the police. Calling the police outside of such situations will not help. They are unlikely to help her improve the situation when there is not clear and immediate evidence of abuse that would lead to his incarceration (i.e., the imminent danger mentioned) and it can both anger the abuser (putting her in further danger) and threaten your continued relationship with her.

In summary, maintain a relationship with the victim, support the victim emotionally and – if possible – materially, and do not exacerbate the situation by provoking the abuser. Most importantly, while it is understandable for you to be desperate to help her, you must not try to control her decisions. You cannot make her leave; she must choose to do so herself. You can only support her in the meantime.

I hope this helps you, Anon! I hope the person you know is able to leave soon.

References under the cut:

Swasti, N. K. C., Swandi, N. L. I. D., & Wulanyani, N. M. S. (2023). Reasons for Women to Stay in Violent Dating Relationships: Literature Review. Sinergi International Journal of Psychology, 1(1), 46-56.

Murta, S. G., & Parada, P. D. O. (2021). Leaving violent intimate relationships: a literature review. Psicologia USP, 32, e200046.

Gould, Wendy Rose. “The Sunk Cost Fallacy: How It Affects Your Decisions.” Verywell Mind, 7 Feb. 2023, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851.

Dare, B., Guadagno, R., & Nicole Muscanell, M. A. (2013). Commitment: The key to women staying in abusive relationships. Journal of interpersonal relations, intergroup relations and identity, 6, 58-64.

Brandt, J. E. (2005). Why she left: The psychological, relational, and contextual variables that contribute to a woman's decision to leave an abusive relationship. City University of New York.

Anderson, D. K., & Saunders, D. G. (2003). Leaving an abusive partner: An empirical review of predictors, the process of leaving, and psychological well-being. Trauma, violence, & abuse, 4(2), 163-191.

Landenburger, K. M. (1998). The Dynamics of Leaving and Recovering from an Abusive Relationship. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing, 27(6), 700–706. doi:10.1111/j.1552-6909.1998.tb02641.x 

Cravens, J. D., Whiting, J. B., & Aamar, R. O. (2015). Why I stayed/left: An analysis of voices of intimate partner violence on social media. Contemporary Family Therapy, 37, 372-385.

Baly, A. R. (2010). Leaving abusive relationships: Constructions of self and situation by abused women. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 25(12), 2297-2315.

Koepsell, J. K., Kernic, M. A., & Holt, V. L. (2006). Factors that influence battered women to leave their abusive relationships. Violence and victims, 21(2), 131-147.

Hamilton, A. (2017). Understanding the experiences of women who stay in abusive relationships.

I’m worried about someone else. (2025). Women’s Aid. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

How you can help victims of domestic violence. (2025). Women’s Advocates. https://www.wadvocates.org/find-help/about-domestic-violence/how-you-can-help-victims-of-domestic-violence/

Drabinsky, H. (2020, July 28). How to help someone in an abusive relationship. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/marriage-problems/how-to-help-someone-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Penguin.

"The liberal attempts to use moral exhortation to stop the oppressor and oppressed from fighting with each other. If everybody could just do things right, love everybody, talk to each other, communicate, she exclaims. The trouble is, personal, moral attack works much better against the oppressed than the oppressor. When one side owns and controls the crucial resources and has an army behind it, moral exhortation does not have an equal effect and, in fact, can only intimidate the side without organized power behind it. The oppressor wants to preserve the status quo and keep the lid on the liberation movement without showing his hand. Since it is the essence of liberalism to sit on the fence, avoid taking sides, to denounce polarization, confrontation and the use of force, it is the perfect tool for the oppressor’s use."

-Kathie Sarchild, 'Psychological Terrorism', Feminist Revolution

hi, can i ask for advice? i think my little sister is in an abusive relationship :( she told me how a couple months back she and him were in a hotel room, he was drunk and in an argument and he beat her. shes in another town an hour away, so i rarely see her, she visits on some weekends but theyre always short visits, because i recently learned her boyfriend gets mad when she doesn't come back at a specific time. is there anyway i can help her? she depends on him for a home btw, she has no job and nowhere else to go

Yes, she is. Even if it was only once in your sister's eyes, it's possible she's hand-waving other "smaller" instances of abuse, and the abuse will escalate. You don't "accidentally" beat someone. You don't hit the people you love.

There are things you can do and things you shouldn't do. You must be patient, and you must respect her choices. This can be hard when you're watching someone you love get hurt, but please understand that her abuser has her ear far often than you do. If you condescend, demand, make ultimatums, try to forcefully intervene - you could end up with a severed relationship and no way to help her. You have to be the opposite of her abuser: kind, thoughtful, patient, slow to anger, understanding, willing to speak to truth, and above all respectful.

The fact that you still get to see her is very good. When you next see her, try to have a conversation around the abuse, but as best you can try to frame it like this: "After what you told me about what happened to you, I'm very worried about you. I'm always available to help you if you need any help." Having resources at the ready to hand to her is also good, but don't force her to take anything she doesn't want. These can be things like books, business cards for shelters, hotline numbers, etc. Again, you can't force her to take anything - respect her choices. She may want them but be nervous having them on her, and she might struggle to articulate that. If she knows you have them, she can ask for them later when she's ready.

When she talks about this or her boyfriend in general, do not correct her on anything. If she says "he loves me" don't say "no he doesn't." It is better to ask "can you love someone and hit them?" If she says "he's the only person who has my back" don't say "no he doesn't." Don't huff and say "what about me." Instead, it's better to say "I will always be here for you, no matter what." You have to be very thoughtful and considerate when you speak to her. Double-triple think what you're going to say before you say it. It's important that she sees you as someone who is willing to listen, someone who trusts her and believes her.

You can also use resources like hotlines. You can also read the books. It can never be stated enough how helpful the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancraft is to both the abused and the people who love them. Read the book, it can give you guidance.

Good luck, sis. I hope you're sister can find peace and happiness.