Zephiris - Another Transfem Programmer

Why don't you take Spiro anymore? (You mentioned this in a recent post)

My T is sufficiently suppressed without it. Estrogen and Testosterone inhibit each other through indirect pathways- both signal the hypothalamus and pituitary, which in turn signal the testes/ovaries to produce more or less of their hormone. Unfortunately, T is a more potent suppressor of E than vice versa, so a blocker is needed to drop T levels at first (usually), which then lets E get high. Once E is high enough, then it can suppress T production on its own. For me specifically, I've never had a problem suppressing T, especially later into HRT when my E was getting somewhat higher. Even after quitting spiro, my T has never gotten above 20 ng/dL, and is mostly around 15 ng/dL, which is on the low side of normal even for cis women. AA in general are theoretically unnecessary once E is high enough to suppress T on their own, but this varies strongly dependent on the individual hormone metabolism from person to person. Fun fact, this is also why masculinizing hormone therapy is way simpler than feminizing hormone therapy- T is potent enough to inhibit E right off the bat without extra help.

Personal consideration to add here: I'm quickly learning that I'm a rapid metabolizer, along with about 20-30% of the human population. Essentially this means that most medication has shorter effect periods on me, and I believe it also has had an effect on how effectively my T got suppressed. My T levels were low almost immediately when I started HRT, and I started with spiro. But, the price I had to pay is that its taken forever for my E to go up. With that in mind, I realized that for me specifically, I didn't have to worry about my T going back up if my E wasn't high enough yet.

The above are about why I felt spiro was unnecessary, but why not take it just in case? Simple- side effects. I was having very noticeable diuretic side effects to the point where it interfered with my usual routines, so I tried to quit as soon as I could. Once I quit, a brain fog that I didn't even notice was there, lifted. I was having a lot of issues that I now realize were due to low sodium- my energetics were fucked, my vision was getting hazy when I stood up, and my heart pounded in situations it didn't need to. When I quit spiro, these stopped almost immediately, and I realized that these were side effects that I hadn't even registered as side effects.

These were considerations I made based on my own personal situation, but hopefully it helps. I haven't been on an AA since February or so. I actually just got a levels test back (spreadsheet update pending) and it confirms that my T has been within cis female ranges since early October, and on the low side of cis female ranges since early November.

In my personal opinion, AAs should be used more conservatively than it currently is, but are still necessary for HRT. My ideal HRT based on papers I've seen, personal experience, and conversations with my provider is essentially: brief period of E monotherapy-> E+AA until T is suppressed and E levels are high -> E monotherapy -> additional considerations (like prog). This is not coming from a medical perspective, though, just an anecdotal one.

I just wanna feel soft fingers and sharp nails below my chin, drawing my attention up to a beautiful fem and then watch as they lean in, meanwhile my vision thins; fireworks ignite within.

My hair tangling around their touch, I’m totally undone. They pull away, my heart aches as I know I must wait. I feel a soft exhale of warmth before they pull me in again, my brain oozing away as I know I’m theirs for the rest of today. I’m so so lucky to have such a lovely fae~

I love how slightly crazier makeup always makes me feel more androgynous! It also has the added bonus of impressing the queers while simultaneously being unappealing to straight men :D

I wrote a poem about my first love about a month into our relationship. Today they broke up with me. Here is that poem:

Light Rays

Light rays filtering in all the way from the sun.

Sometimes after a detour to the moon

Filtering in through leaves or bouncing off the snow or ricocheting off someone‘s iris into my pupil.

So much light entering my soul.

So much distance that ray has traveled

All so that my soul can become enthralled with another’s.

When I look someone in the eyes I feel their soul capturing mine; overwhelming me with awe

I bathe in the depths of another’s pupils. Become absorbed by the ever-expanding darkness. Let everything else fade. The darkness strengthened by the photon ring surrounding their pupils;

flecks of light which absorb and reflect rays, surrounding and contrasting the center.

I know I shouldn’t stare into the sun, for I might go blind from the magnitude of pure white light

But when I peer into the darkest depths of another all other senses fade away, consumed by my captivation.

I often look just shy of someone’s gaze;

Their nose, their eyelid.

Otherwise, I’d always be getting lost exploring the souls of others.

If I truly look you in the eye you’ll watch as I get absorbed by you.

If I look you in the eye it means I want to feel totally embraced by you.

If I look you in the eye, it might even mean I love you.

Otherwise, I hope hanging by the hawking radiation, just out of reach of being absorbed, will suffice.

Mom, I know what I'll say at your funeral.

I'll tell them three good memories of you. One of you showing me moonflowers.

One of you accidentally admitting to smoking pot in college, blushing and running away. Denying it from then on.

My earliest memory, your finger running over the words of books as you read them.

Then I'll tell them how you put the rabbits outside in their hutch when I could see they were terrified of being in the hot open air. How I begged you not to again and again. Finding their stiff, still bodies when I came home. How you left them alone out there and their hearts couldn't take it.

I wonder what the one who died last thought. I wonder how many hours they were alone, baking, terrified.

I'll tell them about how I found two kittens next to an empty cloth sack in the river. How I never knew if the others had run or just washed away.

I cleaned them and fed them, they were old enough to eat. Old enough to fight and survive. Still so wobbly, so covered in dirt and fleas and their own shit. I gently washed both of them, pet them, showed them kindness.

You called every friend you had to get someone to take them. Eventually they left to be farm cats. I could have run and hid with them, stolen them food- you had already started calling me fat and hiding any food it was easy for a child to make themselves. I knew the taste of baking ingredients, I knew how to steal better. I could have stolen for them. I could have run and kept them. They could have been mine.

But I didn't even understand that I could have just run yet. And I realized how much better they would have it somewhere else, even if it was just as farm cats. I sent them away to live a better life than I could in that house.

I once saw my babysitter being beaten by her father, I was only 12 and she went away to college the next year. I didn't trust my mom enough to tell her, and who else was there to tell? I learned to hide and avoid problems from my Dad, and she was his anchor. Wrapped right around his neck.

If you're young and reading this, just survive. Just get away. College is one way, don't let them talk you into taking extra classes - then move to another county and never pay it back. It'll be cheaper.

Or just run. Find a group that will help you through the Internet and go.

Or sign up to work on a cargo ship the second you turn 18.

Just don't stay there. Don't be like those rabbits dying on the porch, trapped. You're a human. You can open the cage and run. Just keep going one direction. Be kind when you can, but be free first

Python is a beautiful language that shouldn’t be tainted by the sins of those who use it to make and abuse generative AI :(

Java is a trash language that should burn in the parts of hell where hitler is

Rust on the other hand is a bratty lil language that should burn in the parts of hell where queers party

The first point and the third point are absolutely correct. It’s really crazy to think about how everything we see is just photons bouncing off one another relative to the particles around it which then are relative to us.

Also since each particle can’t be perfectly updated every frame sometimes we don’t have enough other particles around a specific photon in spacetime (3D space plus particles that were recently in the same space it’s currently in) so then that photon has to guess its location for the next frame like you summarized in point 3.

The second point about the speed of light limiting the number of particles is slightly innacurate since I’m assuming at each time step of the universe our in-universe time kinda freezes during the computation and any particle could contact any other particle instantaneously (think shared read-only universal hashmap where each particle can only modify its own entry). Therefore the limitation on checking all of the particles in the universe every frame isn’t based on the speed of light but rather on how each particle just doesn’t have the capacity to check all the billions of particles in a 1 meter radius of it and similarly those billions of particles don’t have the capacity to check that one additional particle so the universe fuzzes with randomness and gets it mostly correct instead. Fun fact: Fuzzing with randomness is actually used in Redis and other caches to have low latency most of the time without having to exactly track how many times each cache has been accessed or when the last access was.

Thank you so much for the distilled summary! I def appreciate the feedback and knowing what you understood from it all. I’m still refining my explanation so thank you!

honestly getting infodumped to is like. dreamy

there's nothing that melts me more than just hearing someone be passionate about something. And if someone has hurt you in the past and makes you reluctant to fuckin completely go off on the expanded canon of the X-Files or whatever, I'm gonna hit them in the head with a big mallet. You're adorable, show it. Please