alienitz
he/him • • • 'zwischen den welten bin ich gefangen' -th • • • not living, barely surviving • • • insta: @whatsmyname.rolko
95 posts
Latest Posts by alienitz
i told him i was logging off bc he was pissing me off and making it worse
and rn as i was crying i got a text from a friend i made literally three days ago and he said he was sorry for not doing the right thing at the right time and he hopes it's not making me feel too bad and he was feeling guilty about it and couldn't stop thinking about it so he decided to text me to check up on me and i started crying louder bc it's just so sweet of him, especially after what my other 'friend' did
texted a friend to tell him that 1. i was here if he ever needed anyone (bc he told me he had no one to talk to) and that 2. i've been treated unfairly and it's making me upset and his only answer was 'i need you to send me the thing i asked you for bc it's due tomorrow' and i can't believe i'm constantly trying my best for people that just couldn't care less
oh god i can't believe this, he's currently gaslighting me, tho he doesn't even know what happened precisely
he must be fucking kidding me
texted a friend to tell him that 1. i was here if he ever needed anyone (bc he told me he had no one to talk to) and that 2. i've been treated unfairly and it's making me upset and his only answer was 'i need you to send me the thing i asked you for bc it's due tomorrow' and i can't believe i'm constantly trying my best for people that just couldn't care less
texted a friend to tell him that 1. i was here if he ever needed anyone (bc he told me he had no one to talk to) and that 2. i've been treated unfairly and it's making me upset and his only answer was 'i need you to send me the thing i asked you for bc it's due tomorrow' and i can't believe i'm constantly trying my best for people that just couldn't care less
//posting this on instagram as i usually do would make me look like an attention whore so i'm just gonna write everything here bc i know no one's ever gonna read it - looks like i'm being overdramatic and complaining for nothing but i've been keeping this for myself for too long\\ + /!\tw: mentions of self-harm and suicide/!\
it's 12am and i've been crying for a few hours and every new thought i have, every single thing i look at makes me cry some more. i know i've been feeling down for years and even worse this year and a literal hell since i moved here alone, but the last few days have been the worst so far. i don't even know where to start, this life is just a fucking mess and i can't keep that weight on my shoulders anymore. it feels like i'm wandering alone as i've always been and whenever i hit rock bottom it somehow gets worse. whatever makes me happy one day is gonna destroy me the next one.
every time i get a call from my family or even when they visit, i tell them that everything's fine, the neighborhood is not so bad, school is really great and i'm making friends. friends, i tell them i'm good, not at my best but not at my worst either, no i don't own a cat but these little cuts are nothing to worry about and no worries because i can handle it. when really i've been walking around in this damn apartment for a week now and it made me lose it. i haven't eaten anything since last week (not a real meal at least, just some dumb stuff here and there), i cry myself to sleep every night, i listen to the same triggering songs on repeat, i go crazy and hide myself whenever someone's yelling in my street because it scares me, i lay in bed all day and night doing nothing and blankly staring at the ceiling, it makes me realize how i don't really have anyone by my side, someone that knows and that can act on it, no one to ease my pain as it's no one's role. also i've been sick for a few days now so i couldn't even get out of bed, i'm completely dehydrated from the crying and sweating because my body really shouldn't be reaching such a high temperature, my throat is burning, i'm starving but it just makes me feel very nauseous so i won't eat, and i woke up 4 times last night, i had hallucinations on the 4th time. when i finally got up i could barely walk and i found myself wondering where i was, i was feeling high and lost, i nearly fell in the hallway while being dizzy and trying to figure things out. i also noticed that no one's talked to me in days, except the few people i texted first and it certainly isn't helping me.
i usually spend most of my days daydreaming to escape reality but a week ago it changed and my mind's been busy with something else. i haven't been able to daydream since and i'm just forced to face my thoughts and the reality around me. so today after sitting and crying on my desk for a few hours, i just lost it, felt the need to yell and destroy everything, smash the furniture, burn the drawings, break every single object i own and used to enjoy. i didn't do any of this, but i wish i did. i'm usually dissociated from reality and now that i'm faced with it, it just makes no sense and it's driving me crazy. i thought about getting drunk, or taking too many pills, or cut some more, whatever. and then i burst into tears again and fell on my bed as i realized that it would take days, even weeks, before someone notices that i'm missing. they couldn't care less, everyone's busy with their own issues as it should be.
i keep telling myself that we all deal with some really fucked up shit, but i'm the weak one that just can't manage. the others are not breaking down like this, driving themselves crazy, or maybe they are but i can't see it. and i'm just a mess, i can't handle this. i hate this place, i'm scared of this creepy neighborhood, i'm failing all my classes, i'm not able to take care of myself - never been -, i've got no one to tell this to so i'm writing it on this dumb website and it's gonna be lost forever, i never had anyone by my side, i've been letting this loneliness kill me softly for years, the fact that no one's ever been interested in me confirms my thoughts about myself, whatever i bought to fill up this apartment is not me, my drawings are not art, they're just pieces of paper i covered to ask for help but it never fixed anything; just watch me give up and let go of this. it makes no sense anyway, i've only ever lived in my head but it's poisoned and i just can't keep going. i was never meant to be a part of this, nothing ever felt right - and what did just left me - and all of this just feels like i'll keep messing up again and again until the end.
i'm exhausted.
looking at it now, all the posts about my crushes, cute boys at parties and sentimental delusions didn't age well lmao
and i mean i was just about to make a new one rn but i stopped myself bc i don't wanna get my hopes up again
one of my classmates figured out what i did yesterday and she texted me this morning to know how i was doing and she spent the day giving me supportive looks, not pitiful ones and i'm truly grateful
showed up in class with fresh cuts on my throat from the mental breakdown i had yesterday when i skipped class and one of my classmates laughed and said 'lmao did a cat do this?' but like really first degree and i remained silent and she was like 'ok..' and we've been sitting here awkwardly for 15min now
three years ago i was just about to talk to my 'ex' for the very first time
two years ago i was getting yelled at by my 'ex in the middle of the night bc i was working and it apparently was too late for them and it made them mad
one year ago i was slowly healing from this massive destruction i went through
tonight my intrusive thoughts made me go through all of this and i felt the abuse again as if it was still there
i'm just getting used to live on my own, i'm completely alone, facing intrusive thoughts, surrounded by people that know absolutely nothing about this all, it just feels so... it feels like i keep falling apart even more than a year after putting an end to this and it's so hard i want to give up
*lunch break with my class*
girl: hey it's so funny how we all have a role in this class :))
girl: *pointing to a guy* you're like our new dad, showing us around :)
girl: *pointing to another girl* you're always in a good mood and trying to cheer us up :)
girl: *pointing to me* you're our personal depressed junkie :)
me: *comes home from class and waits for the elevator*
random guy: *quietly says hi as i get in the elevator*
my brain: we know him
me: cool, who is he?
brain: no idea
me: but you just said-
brain: hey look, he's going to the same floor as you
me: oh yeah, maybe that's where i saw him
me: *gets out of the elevator and walks to my apartment only to realize the random guy lives in the apartment right in front of mine*
brain: oh funny, he's your neighbor
me: you bitch
I JUST HAD THE SECOND WATTPAD MOMENT OF MY LIFE TODAY I CAN DIE IN PEACE
every time someone seems to kinda appreciate me i get my hopes up and i suddenly start getting my shit together like i text them first and dress well and i make sure i look ok and my behavior is ok and i try to be as kind as possible.. until i realize i'm too kind to them and way too uninteresting for them to like me even a slight bit and when it hits me i have this huge wave of hatred covering me and i want to destroy stuff and i start being distant because i feel betrayed and i start gradually hating them and every time i think about my very existence i just feel so pathetic and i hate myself even more and- anyway this is the story of how no one's ever been interested in
me, drunk, coming home in the middle of the night, feeling the sudden need to cry because of this dumb sentimental delusion
my mind is poisoned and i'll believe every single bad thing my brain imagines until you tell me how it really is
soooo a month ago i went to a party i wasn't invited to but my friends insisted so i said yes i waited outside in front of the house to wait for them as we weren't in the same car to get there i was early so only a few people were already inside and the street was empty at some point a guy on a bike stopped right next to me and awkwardly looked at me and said 'hi... are you also here for the party..?' and when i looked up i noticed that he had a really cute face, just like his voice so i said yes and he was like 'oh, thanks, i wasn't sure aha' and he smiled at me before talking again like 'well, i'll park my bike over there and hum... i guess i'll see you inside later?' so i nodded and he smiled before walking towards the house with his bike my thoughts were just like 'damn he's so cute and he looks kind' but as usual no expectations when it comes to people especially when i find them cute because i always feel worthless and there's no way they'd enjoy my company anyway more people arrived and eventually my friends did too so we went to the party after a few drinks i started giving water to everyone to make sure they'd be ok but at some point i lost my drunk friends and felt too tired to look for them in the moment but i noticed the cute boy having a conversation with my crush (yeah he was there too lmaooo) and another guy so i walked up to them and started talking with them anyway i probably spent like 10min talking to the cute boy in the end including the small talk before the party and the next day as he was gone all i had was his face, voice and first name after getting home and resting i started thinking about him again and i ended up finding his insta account since i knew many people at the party and they follow each other i followed him but that was it and he was a kind of memory i enjoyed even tho i knew we hadn't talked enough to be friends or anything he followed me back and replied to one of my stories but that was it i ran into him one day in town but he was busy so i only said hi before leaving and i was surprised he remembered me anyway, a lot of people have been texting me lately (bday, yay) so my phone spends the day ringing at some point i noticed that one cute boy's profile pic and i was like 'did you just... text me?' so anyway i answered and we briefly talked and i said i was surprised to see him texting me and he said 'well, it happens' and i said 'not to me' and he said 'now it happened :)' and then he asked me about myself because i hadn't said anything about me at the party and then i told him i enjoyed listening to people rather than talking about myself so he said there wasn't much to say about him and he proceeded to describe me the way he sees life and he was like 'it's kinda dumb so i don't really wanna tell people about it aha' except that i loved what he had said so i asked him for more and he was like 'well tomorrow's gonna be busy so i have to go to bed rn but i'll tell you tomorrow, feel free to ask me anything :)' and he wished me a good night i know it's not much and i know it doesn't mean anything but i also know that it makes me very happy, which is rare i'm just grateful for this small talk that turned into happiness for me, it might not last but if it can keep my mind busy with something positive for a while, it's just fine :)
please, don’t pretend to care about it. you made a mistake? it’s fine. you try to make up for it with excessive kindness, it only feels fake and awkward.
i feel so ashamed, making a big deal out of it...
i just.. i don’t know, i just realized i was lying to myself, and now that the reality hit me in the face, i gotta accept it.
if you don’t think this is modern romance you’re a fool
i’m sorry i might be wrong but.. he sends me memes 🥺👉👈
spent the whole day thinking about him and how i'd text him and i thought i'd do it at like 2 or 3am since i usually get very emotional
but i don't wanna be too much
i don't think waking up to a 'i wish i could be with you rn' could be anything but stressful given the situation
i'm too much
whenever i tell my friends i’m never invited to their parties, the only answer i get is ‘oh i never get invited either, you know.. there was just this one time when-’
bitch you’re the one planning the parties and you’re invited to other people’s so just be honest and tell me you don’t like me instead of being such an asshole
he’s taking care of me like no one ever did and i have no idea where this is going but i sure hope he does appreciate it as much as i do
AAAAAAH HE KISSED ME
WHAT DO I DO????!
bear with me
i was left in this dark place
alone and scared, crying, looking for a way out, for some light somewhere
but the only light i can find is showing me the faces of the monsters that put me here, tortured me
abused me
they live within me
i’m left here again, in the dark
i tried to run away but they always come back
they always find their way back to me, i can feel them getting closer to get me
i should be running away, find an escape
an escape?
but it’s all in my head
no, no.. it can’t be
they destroyed everything here and left their demons
they won’t leave me
it’s dark, i can’t get out
an escape?
there’s no escape
please, bear with me
or else i might find my way out, out of my head
and it’ll be too late
but you’ll be safe
the demons’ll be dead
i’ll keep you safe