Latest Posts by amandaaholic - Page 2
my veins are popping right out of my skin this flesh is burning up it's too much to keep the gears that grind everconnecting my mind from bursting and breaking down all the time
sinking in my cheeks one last time trying to scribble out some sort of rhyme
but this writer is only full of one liners trying to piece together a broken puzzle the static and the struggle back to the same hustle sitting in front of the same dusty mirrors looking for a deeper reflection a deeper connection
but all i can see looking back at me was your subjection and all the infection that suffocates my lungs with lies pouring out of my lips and eyes
but past rejection can't break this protection spell of current affection
as my mind begins to stretch and not shrink and i don't even think of collarbones covered in pink lines and i don't know how many times and how many seconds turned to months that i've waited to look into the mirror and see myself staring back
i'm an open book but some of my pages have glued together it's like I can feel the blood beating out of my veins while your fingerprint fades away
and every break up song I could ever write has already been written because all the love I've ever felt has been cliché that fit something out of a show or fairytale or movie (that didn't have a happy ending) and those stories you were taught as a child about stereotypes and the who's who what am I supposed to do when things can get so construed and I have no way of reading anymore and every story seems to have the same ending while we all stretch and bend the truth and the things we hold inside while blurry thoughts misguide or help to get out what's on our mind next day, back to the same old grind
with heavy hands and a mind with wings let's see what a new day brings
please don’t let me give up please don’t let me give in i know i say things and i think things and my mind has more personalities than a reality show and sometimes i don’t know what i mean and sometimes i don’t know what i want
but something is creeping up on my shoulder with long, boney black nails and the shadow hand grabs the next it’s pulling me slightly just enough to make me bleed
but i won’t dip my wrist but i don’t know how it will go it takes a hold of my tongue it changed the scenery in the room with weights in my hands i turn automatic mixing and fixing all the little things nine to five or two whatever the time is i can’t keep up with the seconds as i chase them my knees shake and break i don’t know how much more of this i can take
i don’t know how much more of this i’m willing to take till i shake out of this feeling and slip into something soft and silky and red hot because it’s easier when my insides are set on fire to walk in a world of smoke and mirrors
and shadows and skeletons hiding in the deep that think collarbones are just an accessory and necessity and when i get close to you you’ll grab me by the hand with my other full of heavy drink and pull me under
but it takes all of me to just stay out of the water because my face turned to red from drinking all that deadwater wish i was stronger but i fear all i’ll ever be is the ugly stepdaughter
and when the last shoe doesn’t fit where will i be when it all comes crashing down around me where will i be
i’ve been having a really rough time lately and people only pick up pieces of what’s going on no one ever knows the whole story so how can anyone expect to write an ending for me how can anyone expect to help how can i expect these cigarettes to keep burning before my own hand is on fire how can i catch my breath when all i breathe is smoke and toxins and filth coming out of your mouth and into my gut seeping down into the black void that seems to have a lot more going on that my heart these days these days have been a little more rough a little more tough tumbling down with no hope up
i've been really getting in my head. like, do i want to live for a long time? or am i going to get caught up with the idea that i can't go back? i don't. right now, at least i think this. my life is precious, and valuable, and i am definitely not trying to do anything to myself. but, i think it's beautiful. and i want to really experience life and give what i can. so, why not just go for it. why do people choose to get stuck? i get some things society has done can't be overlooked. but why are people not just doing what they want more. rather than what society tells you that you have to. i'm opening myself up so much. i'm ready to be the sponge. this is why i'm really in my prime to trip again. it has been ridiculously long since i have, and you know when you're ready for something like that.
I've really been feeling myself lately. I just really feel the need to get this out. But I mean, literally, I love feeling the way my body feels. I love the warmth of my hands. The softness of my skin. I'm finally at a point where I'm not ashamed of my body. Of course there's the cliche "I could be better" but I think I'm fucking hot. I think I'm beautiful, inside and out. And I wanna let myself shine, I wanna let myself fly. I deserve it. I've never felt this way before, but I really do deserve everything I can give myself. I am capable of so much. And I fucking deserve it all.
Journal Entry #37
you know what i’ve realized? there’s so few things in this world that actually make sense to me. but music makes sense to me. that’s why it’s such an important part of my life. the rhythms, the beat, the pitch and tone, the lyrics. it just makes sense, and it completely captures me and envelops me in a pool of emotions.
another thing that really makes sense to me is mother nature. she really is a beautiful provider am i wrong? i know she fucks with us, but i mean, it’s kind of her right. i believe in darwinism and evolution. maybe not from monkeys (i mean i really don’t know) but as humans we’ve even evolved from what we once were by natural selection and i think that’s mother nature protecting herself sometimes. diseases, weather, etc. i mean there are some instances it might be humanity going fucking insane, too. but when she plays her hand, she’s trying to protect herself from the shit that we, as humans, are treating her like. the universe is so vast and we are blessed enough to have something this beautiful and we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the coincidence of us being alive right here right now at a place like this. it’s breathtaking, knees shaking, spirit breaking free kind of thing to actually stop and contemplate. it’s so humbling.
got some new shorts, and they make me feel super sexy. since i've been clean from adderall (for two years now) i've gained so much weight and have such a problem with self love. i used to be a loose size 4 and these shorts are a size 10 and on bad days they can be tight. but, i'm very happy that i bought these the other day. i haven't actually gotten any clothes (apart from work) that fit me since i've been clean. and since i'm going to Sweetwater 420 Fest next weekend i wanted to splurge and buy myself a summer outfit. and i think this is a good step towards the right direction
ya'll bitches get a first sneak preview at my new Friday the 13th tattoo still fresh off the table
i can't believe it's been two years. every time i wake up in the middle of the night, i wish you were there like how we used to stay up for hours getting lost in conversations. you were always who i came to when i needed someone to listen, or when i just wanted to share something. and i like to think i was always there for you even though i didn't know you as long as everyone else. i miss you more and more each day that passes and i will never forget the impact you had on my life.
Zodiac 2017 Resolutions!
And you know what I miss most? I miss thinking of everything as a living organism. That you need to breathe into everything. Give life to everything. Consider everything before you consider yourself. Because what are you compared to everything else?
I wrote this while I was really high last night
Goodbyes
My parents told me when I moved out That this city is gonna kill me But I never listen to the ones that know better And I ran away with my sweater and a temper
I learned to live with smoky rooms and cheap perfume And the life left my eyes young and too soon I started spinning out at the steering wheel On your arm and around my head With whispers telling me I’m better off dead
I took lessons off the streets to these four walls I took your love for granted, but I took more than that And I started dipping my wrist but forgot to mention That there were never any bad intentions From the start but my insanity Got the best of me
Think I might have had one too many potions Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jack Ass took another shot at me But I blame myself for these crooked impulses
I wish instead of spitting this rhyme I could travel back in time I wish I could hold you one last time Kiss you again, stare into those deep, brown eyes
It’s clear that something’s gotta give But I’ll give everything to replace what I took And my last words to you just so you know I’ll always love you more than anything, and it’s clear I have to go
Written Feb. 16 2015
So my boyfriend’s mom bought me a Mindful Colouring book for Christmas before I went to jail, and I finally coloured in my first piece! I’m so in love with this, and it really does help w stress.
It allows you to fully envelop your mind, and forget about all the problems you’re having while you have fun and colour. Plus, it helps me create some art while I’m waiting for the warmth until I get back outside and paint. 😊🎨
Starlight
Sometimes the stars remind me How lonely I can really be With skies length greater Than arms reach to me But twinkle, twinkle starlight This lonely child of night Next time you're feeling dark Remember even the moon shines at night Crescent state of mind With silent lips of mine Let go of that fear, my dear It's time for you to shine
Rainy Day
Our pieces linger all throughout my head When I’d rather be next to you instead Cause it doesn’t always mean whatever the hell we said that night When stretched minds and weak hearts begin to fight
My knees may shake, but this heart of mine won’t break From sticks to stones, there’s so much I can take Bruising words when we try and speak I’ve emptied myself, and I’ve become weak
Driving down the same old street Sometimes I forget to breathe My voice is fading before I can finish singing When words barely seem to have any meaning My kaleidoscope perspective faded to black When you told me never to come back
Summer’s still the same but not enough time to waste with you When time became fake, but you stayed true Rain is falling here on this other side of town I’m sure that it’s clear wherever you are right now
I know that you wish me well But, darling I can never tell When you were the only thing keeping me around You were the anchor that never tied me down Now forever bound to the ground
You will never find peace in me When you long for the touch of someone else’s Fingers slipping and sliding throughout your veins Riding on the tides that turned
Washed out, my eyes be closed Since whenever you stopped looking at me the same And there’s no one to blame But myself for misguided actions Like kissing scars and running with wolves With the moon on my mind I fake my breaking smile Sweet mistake, stay a while
Hippies welcome