Latest Posts by crazzyyyramblings - Page 7

I always feel that I'm being taken for granted by my loved ones, but the real problem is that I allow them to do so, I've ruined things for myself, I am easily approachable and accessible, that's why I get treated this way. I always thought being there for others is a nice thing but in reality it sucks, you lose your value in that process, i wish to not to be taken for granted for actually caring for my loved ones and being easy only for them, someday someone might actually understand me and take me seriously and not some kind of joke. I just wish to be treated right and not for granted

trying to empathize w/ your mom and understanding the hardships she went through and how much she loved you

vs.

remembering

fast drawing of Walter and Jesse as calico critters. dont mind the pizza

⚠️vent⚠️

It sickens me to think of the ways my parents failed me. I was never told I was something or that I could ever be something. I was rarely ever told “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Hugs were and have always remained rare. I was never encouraged to try to join sports, other extracurricular activities, or even try again at dancing. I was and still am rarely encouraged. I feel so directionless.

I rarely ever saw doctors. That includes really important ones like optometrist, GP, dentist, like those kinds. I’m talking the last time I went to a dentist I was probably 12. I’m fucking 18. EIGHTEEN! “You didn’t like going.” SO? I was a CHILD, I needed YOU to make sure I was HEALTHY. I feel so dirty and unkempt.

When I got hurt, I was told to just get up and get over it. Why didn’t they hug me and tell me I’d be alright? God forbid I did something they didn’t like. I’d just get my ass beat instead of a conversation. Or, better yet, yelling.

I can’t believe some parents actually have the brain to take their kids to therapy early on. My mom didn’t do that. Even after a life long exposure to an abusive father. It’s all fucked! Life is single-handedly the most fucked thing I’ve ever been forcefully ‘gifted.’ I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live this way.

I am constantly seeking validation and love in everyone other than family members or myself. I am ruined. I am a shell of who I could’ve been. No amount of toys, which I had A LOT of, was a replacement for proper parenting. I never feel loved enough.

As happy as I am for people who have good parents, I can’t help but be jealous as well. I’m so jealous your dad teaches you things. I am so jealous your parent(s) put you in therapy. I am so jealous you were motivated to try new things. I am so jealous you are loved the normal way. I am so jealous in a way that doesn’t even make me angry. It just makes me incredibly sad.

I feel more raised by the internet than by my parents. I needed YouTubers to tell me I shouldn’t act like my father. It’s sick.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been starved of affection. And people can SMELL IT. They smell it in the way I talk, the way I walk, and whatever else I do. They know I’m defective.

getting misgendered by adults but universally correctly gendered by children makes me feel like some sort of fairy creature thats true form is only perceptible to children

“Perhaps the most painful truth is that you can’t love someone into loving you.”

Jealousy is often portrayed as a toxic and/or abusive trait.

And I just want to talk about that for a minute, especially for those who struggle with jealousy because I think a lot of you might feel bad when you see those posts.

Jealousy itself is not inherently bad. Again, like with other emotions, the emotion itself is not bad. It's your behaviours that might become a problem. Jealousy is actually a really normal and common emotion. I feel like by constantly demonizing "jealousy" that people are less likely to get help for managing it when it gets out of hand for them, and this could be harmful to them in the long run.

For example, there's a difference between "How dare you talk to another friend! Clearly you don't care about me." and "I'm feeling a bit insecure. Could you please give me some reassurance?" There's a difference between pushing your partner to not have relationships outside of you, and communicating with your partner about how you can work together to make you feel less like you're being replaced.

Actions like not allowing a partner/friend to have other relationships because of jealousy, or blowing up at them because someone flirted with them or etc are not okay (I also want to say that if you've done things I've said are "not okay" in the past, that you aren't bad or beyond healing. You can learn from those mistakes and do better). But the emotion itself is not bad and there are healthy ways to handle it.

If you struggle with jealousy, you are not a bad person. You are not automatically abusive or anything like that.

Am I not good enough for you?

the heart dropping and breaking feeling in your chest + an indescribable amount of rage immediately when you feel even slightly jealous <<<<

I bite, are you sure you still want me?

and then youre gonna run to her and forget i exist

Them having fun:

:)

Them having fun without me:

:(

BPD culture is "I'm not jealous but what do you mean you have other friends??? You're my only friend, that's not fair."

.

something something i am terribly sad for my age and i think it might be a little in my head, or uncalled for, or my hand on my friends pantry doorknob as she tells me i can eat whatever i want because we’re at her house now (which warms me inside more than i want to tell her, and that fact is starting to burn) or cookie dough i made for the first time in the middle of the night because it’s easy and people like it and it’s a way to say i love you without actually telling. im glad i know my way around a kitchen but im not too sure when i learned. i’m pretty good so long as i don’t leave the stove on; i’m forgetful when it matters but i remember when it counts. i’m not too sure when i learned.

i want to cook for you, and i want you to like it, and i want my head to stay calm when i think of my body and how I could be spending this time to fix my grades and I need to do better at a lot, and most of all i want to cook for you and i want you to like it and i want so hard to believe my kitchen is any kitchen where i open the pantry and feel like that’s fine. i want to feel like that's fine.

don’t you wish milk was cheaper, and eggs, and the water bill and the price of gas so we can leave? don’t you wish it was easier for a kid who isn’t quite right to get a job around here? don’t you wish the job could pay for any of that at all, or at least be something worth my time? i think I'd like to be somewhere near you for at least forever. I wish I was always sure you loved me back and I was able to manage to drop eggs one way or another without the end of the world. i can make myself useful and bring you something I worked on to prove i love you, and I promise I'm trying, I'm not sure for what, but I know I really really want to stick around so please please let me, and do you still mean the thing you said about me being able to eat from your pantry? when do you want me home? I love you, so I can make us something nice.

splitting is just

no one will ever get to know me like you. you never even knew me at all. i don’t want to see you again. i miss you more than you’d understand. let me give you everything you need. why do you only take from me? i wish we could go back to how we were. it didn’t mean anything to me. you’re my world. i fucking hate you. maybe i’ve been the problem. all you do is fucking tear me apart. the distance has been hard on me. i’m thriving without you here. i know you always care. you don’t even think of me.

when they think they can hurt me, but i have an emotionally immature mum and an emotionally unavailable dad

man im starting to think im depressed or something xD

Me: it's just mild depression, it's not that serious. 🙄 . . .Persistent Depressive Disorder you say? 🤨

I hate it when people ask me if I'm feeling something. Are you excited? Nervous? What do you want to watch? Do you wanna do something? Are you relieved now that it's over? Happy that you graduated? Proud to have achieved so much?

The answer is literally no. I have dysthymia, I do not care about anything nor have I for a long time. There is no point to anything so why would I have feelings related to something being important?

Thanks for reminding me that I'm empty inside though. Now I feel depressed about that so I guess I do have feelings after all. It's sure nice to graduated BSc and feel only sadness because you're not feeling happy about it.

how I crave to feel loved and enjoyed. I want to feel as though my presence is desired and beloved. I want my heart to feel full. but it's not about what I want. this is exactly what I deserve. I am hideous and vile. I am gross and deceitful. apathetic and unlovable, just as it was intended.

I always try comforting myself with the “fact” that someday there’s going to be someone who will love me with all my flaws and cherish me and take care of me as I deserve.Atleast that’s the lie I tell myself everyday to get thru everything but in reality I know I could never be in a relationship because I’m unloveable,I’m too hard to handle and not enough at the same time, I could never trust someone ever again I dont want to cuz they’re going to put a knife in my back AGAIN,AGAIN and AGAIN.

Why am I always going out of my way to be loved? Can’t I just be loved as is?

man can't even mention i'm suicidal without feeling like i'm begging for pity from a world that never wanted me to begin with

when is it my turn to get taken cared of? im tired of always providing but never receiving…

And in the end I seriously don't think I could actually kill myself. When it all boils down, I truly don't think I'd be able to. But thinking of it and obsessing over and all the what ifs and possibilities somehow makes me feel a little better. It's terrifying yet soothing. And I know that doesn't make sense. I can't make sense of it.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning