Removed

This one will wind to some dark places, and I am not sure it will get better yet. Also Jango Fett is not such a good person in this. Frankly, neither is Qui Gon Jinn.

We start on Melida/Daan. Obi Wan has been with them for nearly a year and The Young are winning, pushing for their peace. The Elders are approached by the Sith (Plagius or Sidious, it matters little) with an offer to pay to be allowed to take The Young. The Elders agree and the Young, Obi Wan included, are removed from the planet. For their trouble, the Elder are paid with enough weaponry that they wipe the planet of any life within five years. Many of the children have a mild force sensitivity that seems to behave strangely around Obi Wan.

Most are used for experiments, including Obi Wan. Some are used to further Mauls training in the dark side of the force. Maul…hates these pitiful souls less than he does most. He still does every horrible, vile thing that his Master requires but does not go out of his way to cause pain and offers the compassion of a quick death to the ones he can. He even speaks to the subject in between experiments and feels something like a kinship with them.

For ten years Obi Wan and the rest of the Young are experimented on and tortured in every manner imaginable. Most have died in agony and the ones that live consider the dead the lucky ones. To the fascination of the Sith Masters not a single one of the force sensitive children have reached for the dark. It is almost like they are incapable of it.

When it comes time for Jango Fett to become the template for the clones, he is also given Obi Wan Kenobi as stress relief. As this Jango has no want for sex, this means being an outlet for his anger, a punching bag. At Jango Fett’s insistence force suppressing cuffs and a force suppressing collar are sealed (welded) onto Obi Wan. This leaves him entirely unable to actively use the Force but Sith experimentation has left a passive ability to heal from almost anything. In this situation this is not actually a positive. (Another side effect no one can figure out, he stayed looking 16 until Cody's batch reached that age, then proceeded to age along with them). At the time that Obi Wan was gifted to Jango Fett, 5 of The Young, other than Obi Wan, still live. He is pulled from them, knowing that he will never be allowed to ask after them.

Jango Fett is only given a single qualifier as to what he can use Obi Wan for: If he kills Obi Wan, they will not replace him.

On Kamino he is an anachronism. When not acting as Jango Fett’s punching bag he drifts through the halls, speaking rarely to the non clones. Several of the trainers watch him with a strange twist of guilt on their faces. They watch the bruises that are so consistent in size and shape that it looks like a patch of purple, black, and green moving across his skin over time. They take in the perennially blistered and infected skin around the collar and cuffs. They see this and say nothing.

For the clones it is both different and the same. They grow up knowing that this Obi Wan was no more free than they were. No matter the circumstances of his birth, he was a brother. To be protected when they could. He held their secrets, their fears. He was the primary source of compassion in their lives. He protects them when he can and they never begrudge the times where he can’t (When he finds out about Priest’s fight club, he vanishes into Jango Fett’s apartment. No one knows what was said or done but when they emerge, Janog Fett is willing to exert himself to end the Fight Club and Priest’s other abuses. Obi Wan limps behind him with 20 meticulously broken bones in his right foot).

In this universe, as a last act of pettiness, Qui Gon Jinn takes Bruck Chun as a padawan a year after he leaves Obi Wan on Melida/Daan. His attention inadvertently prevented Xanatos from getting into Brucks head. They are a middling pair. Both are just a touch too arrogant to truly work well with others and they do tend to echo each other's worst traits but it is subtle enough that Bruck makes it successfully to knighthood a year before the Naboo crisis. Jinn still finds Anakin on Tatooine, still wins his freedom and brings him back to the temple. Though he had been unaccompanied at the start of the mission, his report means that three other knights ended up on Naboo with him. With this extra manpower Darth Maul is taken alive, to be locked in a cell in the Jedi temple. Qui Gon Jinn lives to take on Anakin’s training.

This Anakin is not as confident in his abilities. No matter what he does, he always gets the sense that Jinn expected better. By the same token Jinn is not too young and grieving, not overwhelmed with sudden responsibility. Palpatine cannot get the same hold he had on Anakin in another life.

It is Anakin that finds Kamino in this life. Jinn clocked his crush on Padme and decided he did not want them alone together (Less chance of the Chosen One deciding to leave). The clones, believing that Obi Wan had been given to Jango Fett by the Jedi (Something that Obi Wan can’t quite dispute), hide him from Anakin. After Fett’s death, they feared that Obi Wan would be taken away. So they decide to hide him in the 212th with Cody.

The two had been inseparable for years now, soulmates though neither thinks the term (In my head this is a queerplatonic relationship, in part due to the trauma they both have undergone). In fact, in this world Cody’s scar is deliberate, something that he (along with Fox and Ponds) devised to ensure that no matter how disoriented or afraid, Obi Wan would never see Cody as Jango Fett (His ability to tell the clones apart is not based in the Force, due to the cuffs. That does not stop Obi Wan from being able to tell each clone apart, no matter what).

And so to the 212th, under General Qui Gon Jinn and his Padawan Commander Anakin Skywalker, goes a trooper named Shield (for Obi Wan has always been their shield). The clones do not, can not, trust the Jedi. They almost never remove their helmets in this world, save for when they were safely in the barracks so that Shield could move around freely. The Jedi could not sense him, due to the force suppressing cuffs and collars.

If we were to go with the cliches, Obi Wan would be revealed by accident in the most dramatic way possible.

This is not what happened. The clones know that Obi Wan hiding as Shield is not a long term solution and the medics would really like permission to remove, along with help removing, the Force suppressors.

8 months into the war, Plo Koon earns the full trust of the clones. With Obi Wan’s permission Wolffe approaches his general to tell him and abbreviated version of what was going on (a non clone who was living as a trooper, he had been on Kamino as Jango Fett’s punching bag, they want him to become an official member of the GAR so that he doesn’t need to hide any more).

Jedi Master Plo Koon is faintly horrified by even the vague details and agrees to meet with trooper Shield. When he asks about having Qui Gon at the meeting, Wolffe twitches. All the clones know who General Jinn is to Obi Wan, so they trust him even less than most Jedi. Jinn is not cruel to the Clones, but he treats them as he does most people he interacts with (Jinn cares little for the practicalities of their lives, so long as they continue to act in the way he expects. Thus he will call them by a preferred name if they request it but never asks for their names). The next time the battalions meet, Cody and Shield meet privately with Wolffe and Plo Koon.

Shield removes his helmet; gaunt faced, red haired, and clean shaven (Having never grown a beard due to some mix of injuries and the Sith experiments). Plo thinks he looks familiar and Obi Wan bows respectfully. Plo gently begins to ask for information. Obi wan gives his name, but it still takes Plo a number of minutes to realize who he is talking to (In his defense it had been more than 20 years and Obi Wan is not the only youngling that has decided to leave the Order). Even after Plo realizes who Obi Wan is, they talk at cross purposes for several minutes. Plo Koon, of course, was under the impression that Obi Wan left the order to be with a girl two decades before. Obi wan believes he was rightfully abandoned for endangering Master Tahl, and cannot quite disbelieve the idea that it was the Jedi, or some Jedi, that gave him to Jango Fett.

As soon as Plo begins to gently question how Obi Wan ended up where he was, it became clear to the Kel Dor that information that was given to the High council twenty years before was at best wrong, at worst an outright lie. He is horrified to see the mass of scar tissue and metal on Obi Wan’s neck and wrists and vows to help get it removed (Due to the burns and infection from when it was welded on and Obi Wan’s extraordinary ability to heal, flesh had grown over the edges of the metal), which would need to be done by the Temple Healers. He is heartbroken to realize what the clones, and Obi Wan, believe about how Obi Wan ended up on Kamino. At the end he asks Obi Wan what he wants, going forward.

Obi Wan thinks for a moment, “To stay with Cody or, barring that, to stay with the clones in general. If possible, find out how the rest of The Young died and maybe be able to give them some kind of burial. If their remains can be found, that is.”

After the campaign, Plo conspires to have the 212th and the 104th recalled back to Coruscant. There he could have Obi Wan meet with the council in person. Coincidentally Bruck Chun, with his commander Alpha-17, are also on Coruscant. Knowing that having troopers appear before the council without their associated Jedi would raise many eyebrows, Plo has Qui Gon Jinn, Anakin Skywalker, and Bruck Chun called to the Council with order to bring Commander Cody, Commander Alpha-17 (since Obi had indicated having Alpha there would make him feel better), and trooper Shield with them. Wolffe waits with them while Plo briefs the Council. The Jedi in the waiting room are curious and confused as to why this one specific trooper (Shield/Obi Wan) has been called in and why all of the present clones seem to be hovering protectively.

They are called into the Council Chamber. Plo has told them very little (What Wolffe had told him plus that the non clone in question had been temple raised and was currently in Force Suppressing cuffs). In part he wants to see if the others will come to the same conclusions that he did. In part because while he doesn’t believe that any Jedi would have done what the clones think they did, he needs to be sure (and seeing their reaction to Obi Wan and his story first hand was the only way he could be).

When Shield removes his helmet, the only person who recognizes him immediately is Bruck Chun, who blurts out “Oafy-Wan?” and then is horribly embarrassed about it (At 13 he had been a bully, but he had grown into a decent adult, particularly since he was fighting a war, and is embarrassed that his first thought when seeing the other man was the insulting nickname from two decades before). The clones are not impressed with Bruck Chuns reaction (Alpha is growling outright at his general). Before Bruck could apologize, Yoda said Obi Wan’s name.

Obi Wan nods agreeably and says that is a name he has been called. A question about the Force suppressing cuffs and collar (still covered by his blacks), has Obi Wan answering “Jango Fett insisted that I be unable to use the Force when I was given to him.” (Whenever he speaks of Jango, it is alway ‘Jango Fett’). It also becomes clear to the high council, Bruck Chun, and Anakin (though the latter has no idea of the backstory) very quickly that Qui Gon Jinn had lied to the council about how and why Obi Wan left the Order.

Every question that is asked of him seems to have a horrifying answer. When asked about The Young, he explains about the group of children trying to stop a war (the youngest was 5, the oldest 14 when he joined). The High Council grows very quiet as he speaks, this was not what they were told. Qui Gon Jinn shifts a little as a twenty year old lie is exposed, particularly as he is given a look from various members of the council that say they will be discussing this, soon. Mace asks why Obi Wan is so sure the Young are dead (as finding out how they died is one of the horrifically few things that Obi Wan is asking for). Obi Wan is silent for a moment then responds that he doesn’t for sure, but it has been 10 years and he hopes that the rest of the Young had found something like peace and that death was the most realistic way of that happening. He is asked why Obi Wan never tried to contact the Order during his year on Melida/Daan. He clones bristles at even the suggestion that their Shield was in any way responsible.

Obi Wan gave a semi confused look and said “My comm unit, like my lightsaber, belonged to the Jedi Order. How would I have done that?”

This was news to most of the Jedi present (Neither the comm or the light saber should have been taken). With the exception of Qui Gon Jinn (who admits that he should not have lied to the council but doesn’t think he did anything else wrong), Obi Wan (who has a skewed vision of how he should be treated), and the clones (who know this entire story and have moved onto anger) the entire room is abjectly horrified to realize that Jinn had abandoned Obi Wan in a war zone, weaponless, and with no way to call for help (Plo Koon in particular is halfway to breaking out the adoption paperwork for the entire GAR most of the time anyway, right now he is practically vibrating with the need to get them all away from a war).

Mace Windu brings the room back to order. He declares that the council needs to speak with Master Jinn (and the way that he said Qui Gon’s name indicated that the Master in the title might be temporary). He asks Bruck and Anakin to escort the clones (with Obi Wan) to the healers so they could begin to get the cuffs and collar off. It is up to Obi Wan if he wants to wear his helmet until he reaches the healing hall or not. The council could not guarantee out of hand that Obi Wan would be allowed to stay with Cody, but they would do everything in their power to make sure it happened.

Just before they leave, Obi Wan bites his lip and visibly struggles with something he wants to say. When prompted he explains that he has (over the course of his time on Kamino) seen virtually every step in the growth and decanting process for the clones. Every step except one, where he believes that something is embedded in the brains of each clone. He doesn’t know what it is or what it does, but he asks that the Jedi Council investigate since he is afraid it is something that will hurt the clones.

The walk to the healers was tense. Bruck and Anakin were both trying to silently work through what had just happened. It is a bit sad that neither are surprised at Jinn's actions. Vokara Che and Bant Eerin are the ones that meet them. Bant is angry with Obi Wan (because from her perspective he just left 20 years ago and never contacted her or their other friends again) but Bruck of all people stop her from saying anything hurtful by telling her there is more to it than she realizes.

Once they have all piled into a private room, Healer Che asks Obi Wan to take off his armor (No there was no good reason that the various hangers on were allowed to be there, they just kind of kept following and no one said anything about it). Obi Wan requests that the head medic for the 212th be called down, as he has been the most involved with treating his injuries and so would be able to answer questions better. Cody helps Obi Wan remove his armor (The cuffs affect the way that his wrists bend, making it harder to put on or remove certain pieces of the armor).

When his top comes off, all movement in the room ceases. The skin of his torso is a patchwork of green and brown (the bruising he received over the past 10 years was so regular and deep that even 8 months after Jango Fett died they were still healing. The only reason that he did not have actual nerve damage was his healing abilities). While the Jedi in the room can barely react under the horror of what they were seeing, Alpha looks at the patchwork, pleased. He comments that it all looks to be healing well.

Under the bruises were a map of scars, telling a horrifying tale. The worst of which sat on each wrist and the base of his throat, metal digging into flesh and embedded in thick uneven scaring (A note on Obi Wan’s healing, as long as he lives he will heal. Things that should have become debilitating, life changing injuries heal into simple scars. Things that should have killed him because of infection do not. It does not speed up his healing, and though it takes much more he still bears scars).

When he is asked he tells them that the metal cuffs had been welded onto him. And yes he felt every minute of the metal being superheated. Obi Wan would prefer to remain awake when the metal is removed (no they would not have to worry about him flinching because “Jango Fett did not like it when I flinched from the pain he wanted to inflict”). By the time he has won that argument, the 212th's head medic, Hypo, has arrived.

The process of removing each metal band takes 3 Jedi healers working in tandem and hours of painstaking, deeply disturbing work. They save the collar for last. As the last piece of metal was pulled from his flesh, Obi Wan inhaled sharply.

“Three of the Young are still alive” he breathes, even as he doesn’t move.

Cody, who had been sitting carefully with Obi Wan, grips his hand. “Then we will help you find your family.” He promises.

In a Cell in the lower levels of the Temple, Darth Maul perks up as he feels a familiar Force Presence. He calls attention to a guard and demands to see Obi Wan Kenobi. The guards do not know who this is but pass along his request to the high council, who are a bit confused.

I am not sure where exactly it would go from here. I would kind of want to see the 212th being handed over to Obi Wan, though I am not sure how it would be justified. I figure that the first time that Obi Wan meets the Chancellor he has a bad reaction (Due to the Chancellor being one of the people that had experimented on them) but is able to hide it, and passes along his suspicions. They do eventually find the three other surviving Young (Nield, Cerasi, Roenni) as well as children that they (and various other members of the Young over time) had been forced to have, there was even a child who had been fathered by Obi Wan (Who does not remember this and is deeply unhappy with those facts) who have all also been experimented on.

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ephostame

3 months ago

I must ask how my Most Favorite Boys, Jushiro Ukitake and Shinji Hirako, are doing in AEIWAM?

When Shinji returns to his post as Captain of the 5th after his exile, he is DETERMINED to not repeat his past mistakes and actually get to know the shinigami serving under him. He needs... Some kind of event, something people will voluntarily attend, where they'll tell him about themselves, and with a bit of structure because he is an awkward sod, and social interactions need RULES, DAMMIT-

"Now hang on-" says Shinji after staring at the blank office wall in silence for the last thirty minutes. "-that's not a bad idea!"

"...Is he okay?" Lieutenant Momo asks quietly.

"Oh yeah, he's always a little freak. Talks to himself and gets a lot out of the conversation." Also Lieutenant Hiyori nods. "You don't need to worry until he breaks out the craft supplies."

"He just pulled out a bunch of markers and construction paper." Momo pointed to their captain as he scribbled furiously on the paperwork he was ignoring.

"Aw. Fuck." Groaned Hiyori. "Well this is gonna be cringe as hell."

***

A few nights later, most of the fifth division assembled in the auditorium, slightly confused, but they had been promised there would be no additional work from this meeting, and there was an open bar, so they were in figurative and literal high spirits.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Fifth Division, welcome to TONIGHT'S GAME!" A cheerful and showman-like voice called out over the speakers, and the stage curtain rose to reveal a brightly colored game show stage where there had not been one before.

"Tonight's lovely contestants are- all the way from payroll, it's Fifth Division Tenth Seat Tenya Danshin!" The voice called out as the familiar face of their payroll and scheduling manager trotted out onstage and took his place behind the first of three podiums. There was some scattered and genuine, if confused applause from the audience.

"He's Big, he's Bad, he's just a little Bizarre, he's Josuke Araki!" The voice continued as a notably tall and muscular member took his place behind the middle podium with a wave and broad grin. There was more clapping and a few cheers this time.

"Currently being dragged onstage by my lovely assistant, it's my second favorite Lieutenant, Hiyori Sarugaki!" The voice continued as Hiyori was wrestled onstage and behind the third podium by Momo. The audience whooped and snickered at the spectacle.

"FUCK YOU, YOU FREAK!" Hiyori roared, flipping off the audience and the figure behind the final podium on the other side of the stage.

"I'm your host, ME! I've been here the whole time!" Grinned Shinji, dressed in a rather snappy three piece suit and holding a microphone. "WELCOME, all my lovely division members and Hiyori, to Tonight's Game! Now, you all know how to play, right?"

"Um. No. Sorry sir." Muttered Tenya as Josuke shook his head.

"You didn't tell us shit!" Hiyori growled.

"That's RIGHT!" Shinji's Cheshire Cat smile shined under the spotlights.

"You see, I wanted to get to know everyone in the 5th a little better, and there is nothing quite like a game show to get people to reveal some truly startling sides of themselves, but playing the same game over and over would be boring! So, every night we play Tonight's Game, the game is a different game than last time, and the contestants will all start with blank slates!" He explained, entirely too pleased with himself. "So- the only way to win is by learning, the only way to learn is by playing, and the only way to begin is by beginning, so without further ado- Momo, will you please bring out THE LIE DETECTOR."

The small curtains at the back of the stage opened, and Momo rolled out a cart with a strange device covered in dials and switches with a long antenna and a large lightbulb on top.

"Thank you Momo! Now, the clever bastards in the 12th whipped this up for me so I have absolutely no idea how it actually works, but I am assured this is the latest cutting-edge in Veracity Technology. Let's turn it on and try it out! Tenya-!"

"Yes, sir!" Tenya snapped to attention. "No need to be formal, I'm only your host, not your captain right now." Shinji waved. "Tell me Tenya- Do you have any children?"

"I- Um, my wife and I have three children, two little boys and our infant daughter?" He stammered, confused.

DING! The Device charmed, light bulb lighting up bright green.

"That is CORRECT!" Shinji grinned. "You get a point!"

There was another chime as the screen on the front of Tenya's Podium lit up and displayed a "1".

"Oh, I see!" Laughed Tenya.

"Josuke!" called Shinji.

"Capt- Host?" Josuke stopped mid-salute.

"Very good! Tell me Josuke, do you live in the barracks?" Shinji asked with genuine interest.

"Uh, no. I live with my Mom." Josuke shook his head.

DING! Said the device.

"That is Correct!" Shinji nodded approvingly. "You get a point as well!"

"Oh, so, every time we tell the truth, we get a point?" Asked Josuke.

"Very quick on the uptake my friend!" Shinji winked. "Of course, as the game goes on, the questions are going to get much harder to answer Truthfully..."

Oooooooh! Gasped the audience, invested now.

"What happens if we lie?" Wondered Tenya.

"Even if we did- how would he fucking know?" Hiyori rolled her eyes.

"You can try it and find out!" Shinji grinned with more than a hint of Menace. "Hiyori! It's your turn!"

"Ugh. What?" She groaned.

"Tell me, When is my birthday?" Asked Shinji.

"I don't know and I don't care." She smirked, sticking her tongue out at him.

BZZRK! The Device buzzed angrily, and the light flashed red. OHH! laughed the audience.

"What the FUCK?" Yelped Hiyori.

"Ooh!" Shinji winced, thoroughly enjoying himself. "I'm afraid that is INCORRECT! According to the screen back here, you spent the better part of THREE MONTHS tracking down a specific part to repair my sound system and traveled halfway across the planet to deliver it personally to me on my birthday. So not only do you know, you DO care, and for that I'm afraid I'm going to have to dock you two points."

Hiyori's screen lit up and displayed a "-2"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Hiyori wailed. "You didn't even see me when I gave you that Banana Plug or whatever-!"

"I did not!" Shinji grinned. "-but The Device knows, and is infallible!" "That's terrifying!" Tenya laughed nervously. "Alright contestants, the questions are going to get harder now, so consider your answers to them carefully." Shinji warned, a finger up to his lips. "Contestants- does any of your underwear have holes in it?"

"...Can we refuse to answer on the grounds it might get us in trouble?" asked Josuke.

"Yes! But you won't get any points for that round, and you may not win our Lovely Prize this week. Speaking of- Momo! Will you please show our contestants what they're playing for this week?"

Momo emerged from backstage with a large, blank sign, which she turned over and held over her head for all to see.

AN EXTRA WEEK OF PAID VACATION

OHHH! exclaimed the audience, with a few audible mutters of Damn, a whole week? and How do you get on this show?.

"ALL MY UNDERWEAR HAS GOT HOLES IN IT!" Shouted Josuke, now with heavily-motivated enthusiasm. Laughter exploded out of the audience, thoroughly entertained.

DING! chimed the device, and the score on Josuke's podium went up.

"Josuke taking an early and shameless lead!" Beamed Shinji, delighted that his plan was working. "Tenya?"

"I-ah, I don't think so?" Tenya blushed. "I bathe the kids and get them ready for bed while my wife does the laundry." He tried to explain.

BZZRK! The Device contested, red light flashing and the audience howled with laughter.

"Uh-oh, that's Not Correct!" Grinned Shinji. "According to the device, a significant amount of your clothes have holes in them, and you don't notice because you get dressed in the dark. You didn't outright lie though, so you will only not get a point instead of a deduction."

"WHAT?" Yelped Hiyori, outraged.

"Yeah, that's fair." Tenya winced. "Seriously though- where does this thing get it's information from?"

"...Hiyori?" Shinji leered playfully at his lieutenant.

"Yeah, it's all got holes. They come that way- Two for my legs and one for my torso." Hiyori snarled.

DING! agreed The Device.

"That is *technically* correct, which is the BEST kind of correct! You get a point!" Shinji cheered, and so did the audience.

"FINALLY!" She shouted, but her eyes narrowed with competitive enthusiasm.

---

The game continued for an hour, with a mix of group and solo questions, but equal chances to score points awarded to all contestants. Josuke was shameless but ill-informed, causing him to fail several rounds, Tenya was honest even as his face flushed red and he crumpled behind his Podium. Hiyori did her best to be only as honest as she had to be, and as the game continued, they came to a three-way tie.

"Before we begin the final round-" Shinji said, intoning a gentle sincerity. "Contestants, you've been so honest with me. Like. Alarmingly Honest with me. So I need to be honest with you- I do know how The Lie Detector works."

There was a scandalized gasp from all three contestants and the audience.

"Okay- I *sort of* know how The Device works." Shinji admitted. "I don't know what 'Wiffy' is-"

"YOU MEAN THE FUCKING WI-FI?" Howled Hiyori.

"Oh, like you know how it works!" Shinji glared.

"It's using a radio frequency to transmit Data instead of an electrical pulses like internet usually does." She scoffed. "-AND I KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT!"

Shinji glared. "...I should deduct a point from you for insubordination."

"You can't do that, you're the Host, not the Captain!" Said Josuke cheerfully.

"Yeah, unless Host is a Military rank, it's arguing, not insubordination."

DING! Agreed The Device.

"DON'T GANG UP ON ME!" Shinji wailed. "Fine, fine. Anyway, I might not know how Why-Figh works, but I *DO* know how the device knows if you're lying or not. Would my Lovely Assistants please come to the stage?"

Momo emerged from backstage, wearing a labcoat and holding another device with an antenna that matched the Lie Detector, followed by a middle aged woman holding a Baby, an older woman, and Mashiro Kuna.

"Akkiko?" Tenya yelped, and his wife laughed manically.

"MOM??" Wailed Josuke.

"MASHIRO??" Hiyori bellowed, jumping up onto her Podium. "YOU SOLD ME OUT?!"

"FOR A BAG OF CORN CHIPS!" Mashiro cackled.

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN PAY HER?!" Hiyori howled at Shinji.

"She was gonna do it for free! I talked her UP to a bag of corn chips!" Shinji protested. "But YES! You've all been deceived! Hoodwinked!Bamboozled, even! Which brings us to our Final Question!"

The crowd roared with excitement.

"I started this game because I wanted to get to know everyone better- but I have to ask, how well do YOU know each other, and so I must ask you all if you know these people as well as they know you?"

There was a loud OOOH! of intrigue from the audience.

"Just to make it extra-exciting, all of these questions will be worth up to three points!" Shinji grinned, then slowly turned to the first Podium. "Tenya."

"Oh god." Tenya laughed nervously.

"Your lovely wife. You've been married for ten year now, so you theoretically know what she looks like, right?" Shinji teased. "So, for a potential three points and week of paid vacation- Do you know what color Akkiko's eyes are?"

Akkiko giggled, turning around as Tenya leaned as far forward on his Podium and squinted at her. With a deep sigh, he slumped over the podium in defeat.

"...I do not." He groaned and Akkiko cackled.

"That is CORRECT!" Shinji cheered.

"I'm not good with colors." Tenya tried to explain. "-this morning I actually asked her what color MY eyes are."

"YES! That's what I was waiting to hear!" Shinji shouted, pumping his fist in the air. "All three points!"

The audience cheered loudly.

Shinji turned to the next contestant. "Josuke."

"Oh no." Josuke giggled.

"What is your mother's favorite food?" Shinji asked.

Josuke stared blankly.

"SURELY you are not living in your mother's house and NOT COOKING FOR HER, are you?" Shinji asked with no small amount of menace.

"You're never going to get married if you can't cook!" Tenya nodded in agreement.

"I COOK!" Josuke protested. "...sometimes." he added, cringing.

"-So. What do you make for your beloved mother, who works so hard taking care of her adult son?" Shinji teased.

"LOTSA STUFF THAT'S WHY I DON'T KNOW!" Josuke wailed. "I COOK KATSUDON, I COOK RAMEN, I COOK CURRY, I COOK OMURICE- I EVEN LEARNED HOW TO COOK WESTERN FOODS LIKE LASAGNA AND CHILLI CHEESE DOG-! DING! Went the device, Josuke's mother holding the radio.

"Was your favorite in there Mrs. Akari?"

"Yes! I like Chili Cheese Dog." She smiled. "I always eat seconds!"

"YOU ALWAYS EAT SECONDS OF EVERYTHING I COOK I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE YOU LIKE THE MOST!" Josuke wailed.

"That is also true! He is a very good cook! And single!" She nodded up at Shinji.

"-And he's single!" Shinji grinned at the audience, some of whom whistled back. "Three points, for your culinary skills! Which means we have a Tie!"

The audience tittered with speculation and excitement.

"...Hiyori." Shinji grinned.

"You're a dead man as soon as you sign off on my vacation time." She glared.

"I mean, I can end the game right now." Shinji wagged his finger at her. "-But I can't resist the opportunity to humliate you. Now, You and Mashiro have been living under the same roof for longer than Josuke and Tenya have been alive, so to be fair to them, I'll ask you about someone you've met more recently but should still know pretty well-"

Hiyori squinted at him.

"-What is Momo's Favorite Animal?"

"What?" Hiyori laughed. "-Everyone knows it's Penguins!"

"Really?" asked Josuke. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah, I didn't know that either and I've served under her for decades now!" Said Tenya.

"What? How do you guys NOT know that?" Demanded Hiyori. "Her phone background is a Rockhopper Penguin, she's got a Fairy penguin squeeze toy in her desk for really long phone calls and she's always talking about wanting to go to the Tokyo aquarium in the living world to see them in person! She's even got a HUGE collection of penguin plushies in her r-" DINGDINGDINGDINGSING!! rang the Machine as Momo furiously pressed the button, face red as a beet.

"Wow!" Shinji smiled. "I'm surprised! You seem to know Miss Hinamori really well!"

"Uh, duh? We're colleagues." Hiyori rolled her eyes.

Momo sighed with relief.

"Interesting! Follow-up question- What's Mashiro's surname?" Shinji asked.

Hiyori blinked. "...uhhhhhhhh..."

"You heard Kensei yell it at least six times a day for the last century you jackass!" Laughed Mashiro.

"UHHHHH..." Hiyori paled, and the audience roared with laughter.

"Hmm... I seem to remember you pretending you didn't care about my birthday, and yet, you do- For you to remember her favorite animal and in such detail, Momo must be VERY IMPORTANT to you!"

The audience giggled Momo turned scarlet again and slowly crumpled into a ball. Mashiro vibrated with excitement beside her.

"Yeah?" Hiyori glared at Shinji. "She's the smartest person in the whole damn division and does half your job for you? If I win, I'm giving the week off to her just to watch you flail around without her! No wait- I'll set up the webcam and we can split the week off, go to the aquarium AND watch Shinji squirm like a worm an a-! Uh? Momo? You okay there?" She asked, finally noticing Momo laying on the floor, borderline catatonic with embarrassment.

"This is FASCINATNG!" Shinji grinned. "You are apparently so immune to embarrassment that you have somehow made it bounce off you and target Momo!"

"What's to be embarrassed about? I like her okay?" Hiyori blinked. "She's great! I wanna work with her forever!"

Shinji leaned forward on his elbows, chin in his hands and stared at Hiyori, positively vibrating with excitement.

"What?" She glared.

"You are. SO CLOSE. To comprehending something." He said, wide-eyed and delighted. "It's fascinating to see someone on the precipice like this."

Hiyori stared blankly at him. clueless.

"So you like Momo. We've established that." Shinji said, attempting to throw her a bone. "H- how do you think Momo feels about you?" Hiyori slowly lowered her gaze to Momo. The entire audience watched in hushed fascination as Hiyori frowned at the situation, thinking hard-

"...Momo?" Hiyori's voice was suddenly nervous. "Do you- have I just been annoying you? Becuase I can stop-"

Momo Hinamori was abruptly on her feet, crouched atop the Podium, fists balled in the front of Hiyori's shushako, pulling the blonde's face up so it was mere inches from hers. "HIYORI SARUGAKI YOU ARE THE MOST INFURIATING WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE!"

"Fuck!" Hiyori yelped. "I'm really sorry, I'll- I'll leave you alo-"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO, MISSY!" Momo continued, grabbing Hiyori's face. "YOU'RE WINNING THIS GAME, YOU'RE SPLITTING THE WEEK OFF WITH ME, YOU ARE GETTING A HOTEL IN THE LIVING WORLD AND THEN *I* AM GOING TO-'

In the videotape of the game that mysteriously appeared in the ninth division later that week, the next forty-seven seconds of sound had been obscured by a single, loud, continuous "BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" sound, but Mashiro was visibly looking up some of the terms being shouted on her phone, Josuke's mother sprinted up to cover her son's ears to no avail, Akkiko was pointing between herself and Tenya with excitement, and Shinji's jaw fell so far open it looked like it had become unhinged from his skull.

"-AND IF EITHER OF US CAN WALK IN THE MORNING, THEN WE'RE GONNA GO SEE SOME PENGUINS!" Momo finished, staring Hiyori down with a terrifying blend of romantic fury and bloodthirsty lust.

Hiyori stared up, wide-eyed and expressionless, face clearly offline as she underwent several psychological and spiritual awakenings before her she slowly broke into a slow, stupefied grin "Oh you like-like me!"

"...Yes." Momo sighed, deeply pained and affectionate at once as the audience howled. "You're okay with... all that?"

Hiyori saluted Momo with an enthusiastic "-Yes, SIR!"

"NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKIN' ABOUT!" Shinji whooped with joy, jumping up and down, the audience on their feet with applause. "POINTS AND VACATIONS ALL AROUND, AND FOR BEING THE *MOST* HONEST, THE WINNER OF TONIGHT'S GAME IS MOMO HINAMORI!"

The audience cheered wildly as Momo scooped Hiyori up like a princess and carried her backstage.

"THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S GAME!" called Shinji over the din. "GOODNIGHT EVERYONE, AND GOOD FUCKING LUCK!"

---

As for Jushiro Ukitake, he appears on a special guest episode of Tonight's Game with fellow Captains Soi Fon, Byakuya Kuchiki and Retsu Unohana to play "Never Have I Ever" and *that* episode is widely considered to be one of the most scandalous and unhinged of all the games on Tonight's Game.

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ephostame

10 months ago

I'm currently watching season 12 of spn for the first time and oh my god, samdean are so married. Wow. Y'all were not exaggerating.

Do you have any late seasons (doesn't necessarily have to be season 12) wincest fic recs?

I'm so happy to hear you're enjoying the late seasons domesticity! I love them so much.🥰🥰🥰

Your ask has made me realize I really need to make a masterlist of my rec lists, because my tag is a mess right now lol. I do have some recs for you! IDK if you care about spoilers, but I tried to avoid s13-15 fics just in case. Many of these skew angsty with a positive ending, because that's my jam.