Eventually-getting-it-together - I'm Doing My Best...ish

Last night I ended up having another anxiety attack before bed. My heart was beating hard and fast and was uncomfortable. I had a stress rash all over my chest. I couldn't stop crying. I had a hard time breathing. I felt like I was going to throw up. It's just the stress of school + not being able to register for a vaccine + feeling pressure from work to in person sub + my grandpa dying about a month ago + my grandma being in the hospital + my mom being the bipolar and manipulative sociopath she is + the whole pandemic. I feel so inadequate sometimes :/

My mental health has taken such a large shit as of late. This week needed to be productive as hell and I'm barely barely barely keeping up with what needs to happen. I'm working 4 full days next week and I have 3 group meetings and 1 class presentation and 1 group report on an experiment and all the other shit I've been dealing with. Online school is kicking my ass y'all

This money tree looks so much better than mine! Mine is slowly bouncing back after I didn't keep up on watering it for a while.

The Pachira Aquatica “Guiana Chestnut” (sometimes sold as a “Money Tree/Money plant”) is Native to Central and South America and usually grows in swamps. It’s no coincidence that mine is doing so well in a small low light north facing window.

These houseplants are commonly sold smaller with braided trunks but in the wild this tree can grow up to 50 ft tall (this probably won’t happen in my home, but one can dream). I got this specific plant at a Costco for $28 in autumn.

Definetly not my most productive day. I'm proud of what I got done, but it just wasn't nearly what I needed to do. I'm still bumbed out from yesterday. I'm actually behind schedule this week (not just because I joined a class late). On Wednesday I was too depressed to do any schoolwork and slept and watched videos most of the day. Today I couldn't get focused until about 11am. I woke up somewhat early, but I definetly slept in compared to my schedule last year/pre covid.

What I did today:

● wrote two initial discussion posts (~700 words total)

● replied to a discussion post (another ~300 words)

● got half way through this week's Environmental Statistics module

● attempted to do some affirmations in the mirror today (I have horrible self esteem and body image... it's been particularly bad lately)

With that I'm going to listen to some Headspace and go to bed 😴😴😴

There's so many new cases in my state. K-12 got a week long spring break. It ends Monday, and I'm honestly so worried about returning to in person instruction. A lot of families travelled and didn't take proper precautions. There's going to be rapid testing for most K-12 before spring break ends, but I'm worried because it's only so accurate and it's voluntary. I'm fully vaccinated, but some of these kids are high risk because of asthma and diabetes and other health conditions. I'll survive if I'm jobless or my substitute teaching hours are cut again, but these kids struggle so much with online learning. My suffering in fully online college is only a glimpse into what they go through. My heart goes out to them. I think we're going to have another shutdown soon. It's completely necessary, but still hard.

(via)

I love my houseplants, but I have to say this post resonated a bit

I am very glad to have drawn away from the houseplant hobby before it went... entirely to shit. I'm doing one order of plants online this year because I want to try some fancy gesneriads but my brain is just checked out on houseplants and ready to do some real gardening

3 of my classes are fully asynchronous. I love it. I think the discussions are just dumb and superficial, which I miss having good conversations about the material, but I need all the flexibility I can get right now. However, my comp class has zoom meetings once a week and I hate it. Our discussions are dumb and are literally the questions in the book.

I hope online learning starts to look up for you! The internet connection sucks bruh. It happens at the most inconvenient times too

I’m really grateful about how our university only holds video conferences once a week because our internet connection at home is not that stable. However, it does make me sad how our discussions on lessons have to be fast-pace. It is understandable but I wish we had more time to engage on the topics because all of my subjects for this semester are highly interesting. 😕 Would love to hear how are the online classes in your school 🙏🏻

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