Life Is A Stage Play And Everyone Has A Script But Me

My family is the weirdest combination of rich white people and crazy-ass redneck

Like,

Our fridge has a designated beer drawer filled exclusively with cans of Bud light, but our silverware is organized by use, with the soup spoons separate from the regular spoons, the dinner forks separated from the desert forks, and the butter knives separated from the cheese knives, and each is used as such

Our welcome mat says “trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again” and then you walk into the house and immediately see an ornate china cabinet filled with polished silver china, directly to the left of which you will see a machete hanging from a rope on the wall

Upstairs you will find a TV sitting on top of a broken TV, using it as a stand, and if you walk farther down the hallway you will come across a full liquor bar, filled with respectable alcoholic beverages such as cognac, surrounded by pictures of women in the traditional “skimpy German Bar Wench” outfits, then directly opposite this is a random weight bench and various scattered exercise equipment on the floor, because there was space for it I guess

I didn’t read the blog name and I was just like, “yeah that makes sense” and if that doesn’t tell you how fucked up 2020 has been I don’t know what will

My dad burned the moon with a flamethrower.

Me: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea!?!

My med student best friend who’s had 3 hours of sleep in the last 2 days: Aye aye captain!!

Several seconds of silence

Her: Wait...

Me, putting a hand on her shoulder: It’s okay

Printers: now with attitude

Just tried to play an ancient flute and it started filling the room with this awful miasma that wont go away

Kenzie is honestly the best character in the entire show (Bo is still bae though)

The queen is who we all aspire to be

Now this is a beauty pageant I would watch!

Petition to add a “guns and horses and body paint” category to Miss Universe

Miss Guanajuato’s traditional outfit for Miss Mexico 2020 (source)

SO THATS WHY SHE COULDNT HEAR THE PRINCE CALLING AFTER HER

someone pointed out that disney’s cinderella has no ears and I can’t stop thinking about it