When It All Fell Apart, I Lost Everything. When I Returned, I Had Not Come Back.

I haven't slept well since two nights during my junior year of high school. It's been twelve years of pain since, and of the things I've forgotten, those two nights are still with me. Would be nice to have those happen again.

Uhg... Why am I awake?

Even though it was four years since the breakup on Christmas Day, I can still say it'd take all my strength to not expend every round of ammunition I own into your face, you cheating, psychopathic, manipulating, pathological liar. There is no depth to my level of hatred for you, and even if I was sent to the Seventh Circle of Hell, I'd still laugh because I know you'd be in the Ninth where you belong.

At this point, I'm willing to go for an experimental procedure to fix my back. Like Wade Wilson, I've hit "fuck it." As long as the suit's not green.

Sometimes I feel like messaging someone because I think their blog is cool. Then, I wonder, "Why bother?" Not like it makes much of a difference to anyone. There's so much hate and garbage being thrown at anyone who posts an opinion or pictures they immediately assume you want something from them when you send a message. Apparently, no one does anything in this world if there's no immediate material or sexual profit. Guess some of us just like to see the world burn by saying or doing something nice without expecting anything for it. But at this point, I won't even bother with that anymore. All that's ever returned is suspicion or some awkward response.

What do you do when you push away someone you love because you were both too young and scared, only to find them years later in an unhappy, physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive marriage? Is it right to try to convince her to leave? If I never stopped loving her, does wanting her to be safe and happy - even if it’s not with me - make me a terrible person? If she reached out to me after so long and still has feelings enough to want me back in her life as someone she trusts and loves, does caring for her enough to tell her she needs to run before it’s too late make me seem jealous? I do not want to be in her equation to stay or flee this overly-gender-roled, traditional, “christian”, repressive, abusive, marriage. I want her to be happy. I grew up in a household like that. My father using my stepmother as a brood mare and refusing to let her do anything outside the house. She always hated my brother and I. She was always cold and mean. It wasn’t until years later I found a bottle of anti-depressants she’d had hidden away in a spice cabinet (a place my father would never look). It took me years longer to realize the damage you sustain when you force yourself into a relationship with someone who isn’t who they claim, someone who wants you to change everything about you, someone who only wants to use you. It was killing my stepmother. It almost killed me. How could I on good conscience not want someone I still love to save herself from becoming warped, worn down, trapped in even something so binding as marriage. Before we even broke up, I knew leaving her was a huge mistake. I knew there was a risk she could be caught up in a near-shotgun wedding with some piece of trash who had no perspective outside his sheltered, “christian” life. I wanted to believe it would never happen. I wanted to believe she’d grow up, too, and find someone who loved her the way I should have, the way I would now that I’ve grown, too. Wanted to believe after these years she’d found that. She found the nightmare of my childhood... Is it wrong to want her to save herself? Is it wrong to tell her to stop rationalizing against his threats, his (for now) limited physical violence, his deception from who he was in dating to a 180° as married, his constant control and belittling, his refusal to acknowledge how hard she works as a nurse going to school part time while trying to stay physically healthy (This guy’s a fat POS, by the way [Not to belittle those who are overweight/big; he actually ridicules her for working out while he sits around on his fat ass eating food he expects her to prepare for him and refuses to do anything around the house after his cushy, 9-3, bank job.].), and his unconscionable mentality he is perfect and she should be changing for him? I cannot physically help her. We are far apart. I want her to be strong and make the decision for herself. She can, but she’s afraid. I would pay for her plane ticket away from there. I would drive there, if I could make it in time. I need her to be safe from that kind of life. Yes, she chose to marry him. She got caught up in her dreams as a young girl. Before you could really see what was happening, she was in this. She’s been married two years now. The first went by so fast. This last one has seen her finally realizing where she is. In this last year, she changed the most from what I remember. She’s still gorgeous, smart, wonderful, caring, loving, but it wasn’t until now she learned what I learned from my own abusive relationships. I regret letting her go enough in the first place. To lose her entirely to... that... would be too much.

One day, I will be like Tony Stark, and I'll have my own powered armor. One day...

Weather, if you could not do the whole downpour while sunny thing, that'd be great.

How does one get a membership to this gym?

Knight at the Gym. The dude in the jousting armor cracks me up every time. LOLOL

A French woman, Jeanne de Clisson, became a pirate in the 1300’s for revenge after her husband was beheaded. Selling her lands to buy 3 ships, they were painted black with red sails. She caught the culprits and personally beheaded them with an axe. source

image via badassoftheweek