Latest Posts by r3v3rie - Page 9

“how will i ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering? straight and fast.”

alaska knew what was up. i’m already in the shit of recovery. i’ve hit the point where it’s getting bad now before it gets better. i can’t go back and i can’t stay feeling the way i do right now, because i cannot take it anymore.

straight and fast and i will get out of this labyrinth.

this whole being 14 thing is so lame. like girl get a grip that was 5 years ago.

i just want to give up. i’m tired of being damaged goods n hurting everyone accidentally.

venting and oversharing to the void for a sec:

i try my hardest to be like “yay healing!!” but idk trauma work is hard. fanfic and fandom culture got me through the worst of the worst moments of my life. it’s alarming, because this past year i somewhat now have a life that isn’t unbearable to be present in. but today i find my brain needing to be anywhere but in the real world.

i’m 16 again, filling my head with fluffy stories where i’m not this deeply traumatized girl and things all turn out perfectly. being 16 does not feel good.

3.22.23 - quantified damage.

[in no way do i condone ANY stigma that pwNPD are inherently abusers. us cluster b’s gotta stick together. this is simply a post documenting my literature and growth into the recovery process from my own personal childhood traumas. THIS BLOG WILL ALWAYS BE A SAFE SPACE FOR THOSE WITH NPD! ONE ABUSER IN A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE DOES NOT MAKE THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY BAD PEOPLE!]

feeling v sub-human as of late. i’m not that scary to talk to i don’t think?? i know i have a disorder. i know i’m like a pitbull and everyone seems to think i eat toddlers. but i genuinely just want to talk to humans n have real friends for once,

like i love poetry, and folk & indie music, and playing ukulele. i love my gods and i read tarot sometimes and collect cool rocks. i have the cutest cats and want people to send pictures of them to. my favorite color is a muted tone of forest green.

i’m a pitbull, but i think i am a little human sometimes too. i promise the genes don’t make me a completely bad dog. someone just take a chance on me, im begging,

feeling like diane from bojack horseman when she got medicated and lost her ability to write the gritty shit.

i just think it’s silly that my parents were a little sucky and now i’m a 19 year old with a personality disorder and an emotional support stuffed animal

2.16.22 - Ghost. Some days I float through this life with my brain fogged and the world recognizable but feeling eerily off. For on these dream-like days I am simply a ghost haunting this horrid human body.

sometimes trauma processing is weird and you have to write about some ancient old man, but whatever works i guess

‘prescribed destruction’ - 2.13.23

this.

I really thought I was on a good way to finally be okay, to be better as a person and mentally. But I haven't changed, I never will. This sickness has left my brain absolutely rotten, making me ruin every good thing I have.

I feel so helpless and cannot keep living like this. I know I'm the problem. I'm the sickness. I'm no good. Everyone has left for the same reason.

Søren Kierkegaard, Diaries 1813-1855

12.9.22 August in december. (excerpt)

I now may have the same diagnosis, but it does not make me the monster of a man that you were. I am pursuing a degree in fisheries & wildlife at a very small school. I want a house in the mountains where me and **** can rescue dogs. I like filling my head with poetry, fluffy romance, crystals and astrology, gaming a little, indie folk music, and looking at the stars. I stopped playing softball and I like being outside, but most days I just want to curl up in bed. I still play ukulele but I started learning guitar. My favorite color isn’t yellow anymore, it is green. 

I am no longer the me that you knew, and you my dear are no longer you. 

8.26.22

The Empty Kind. (excerpt)

“…I wish I didn’t burn every bridge I’ve ever stood on, now all I breathe is smoke.”

to my person - i will love you forever. thank you for giving me the universe <3

a loud playlist to rival the noise in my head

Jane Grealy 1. Puppy with Stick, 2021 2. Legs, 2021