Cleopatra Vii - Blog Posts

These are hilarious!

The Romans and Friends on Karaoke Nights

Caesar: Is the only one sober. Only sings bc the others beg him to. Does "All of Me" and is surprisingly good with the high notes

Pompey: Performs "Crocodile Rock." Throws up into someone else's hat that he thinks is his. Did not come in a hat.

Cleopatra: Nails "Hello", has the others crying

Brutus: is very shy and only gets up to sing when he's sufficiently inebriated and Cassius goads him into performing. Surprises everyone with how impeccably he sings Jeff Buckley's cover of "Hallelujah"

Antony: Drunk off his ass, sings mostly hit classics like "Mr. Brightside", "What's my Age Again", and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" bc he has a *type* for music and it's all 2000s nostalgia

Octavia: Sings "Love Story" and "White Horse" by Taylor Swift while mildly tipsy, trips slightly on the stage but goes on singing

Cassius: Will only sing Fallout Boy. Gets really into his performance of "Centuries" but passes out afterwards and asks for more shots the moment he wakes up

Octavian: Sings "Bad Guy" by Billie Eilish while making unnerving eye contact with Antony

Cicero: gets too drunk and throws up in bathroom without ever singing, cries about his divorce when Cleopatra sings "Hello"

Sounds fairly accurate to how they responded in real life surprisingly. 

Antony: oh my God, they killed Caesar!

Cleopatra: You bastards!!

Apart from Cleopatra, who would probably be double majoring in linguistics and history, these are largely accurate. 

The Romans and Friends as College Majors

Caesar: Political Science

Cleopatra: Medicine

Brutus: English

Cassius: Philosophy

Antony: Kinesiology (he's a student athlete and got paid to be there)

Cicero: Law

Octavian: Psychology

Crassus: Business

Pompey: General Studies

Yikes! I knew Augustus made Cleopatra out to be an evil homewrecker, but this just takes the cake for ridiculous rumors. 

I've read in several scholarly articles that ancient Egyptians perfected the art of flipping crocodiles on their backs and having sex with them to ensure good fortunate and prosperity in their lives. Is this... is this true? Did ancient Egyptians actually fuck Nile Crocodiles? Further, did Cleopatra actually use bees for sexual pleasure? I understand bestiality was still punishable by death in Egypt for most of its history but - are these things really true?

No. No they’re not.

LOL=Leaping off lanista

Is Your Child Texting About Ancient Rome?

OMFG= oh, my fire's gone! (thanks Crassus)

WTF=where's the flammeum? (seriously, I'm about to get married here)

SMH= Someone marry her (off)

IDC= I'm dating Cleopatra

IDK=I'm dating Kleopatra (but spelled in the original Greek way)

BTW= Bring the wine (they're probably texting a slave)

LMAO= let's murder an official

GTG= get the garum

IKR- I killed the republic

Antony: I was going to get you another cat. 

Cleopatra: We already have Cynane, and the animal shelter’s closed anyways. 

Antony: Shit! 

Cleopatra: where are you

Antony: I left early

Antony: sorry I couldn't stay longer :(

Cleopatra: wtf where are you going

Antony: I'm going home

Cleopatra: are you kidding me come back

Cleopatra: you're drunk

Antony: don't worry I called an Uber

Cleopatra: We drank at my place

Antony: oh

Antony: where am I going

Fictional Meeting

Adrian Ivashkov: Wait! So you’re that Antony guy I read about in history class. Let’s party together!

Mark Antony: As long as this party includes gallons of wine, I’m in.

Sydney Sage: Damn it, Adrian!

Cleopatra: Just hide their car keys, and then they’ll have to call us to rescue them.

Sydney Sage: Good point.