Dive into your creative stream
Anyone remember when Sirius played that prank on Snape and almost got him killed? Yeah..
So I wrote a little thing about it and I figured, why not post it here?
Warning: Suicidal thoughts/ideations, and swearing
He wanted to say he was drunk.
“It wasn’t his fault.”
“He couldn’t control wether or not he listened.”
But he wouldn’t.. he couldn’t, he knew he was stone cold sober. He knew he’d given it too much thought to even try to pass it off as a joke. He debated telling him before he made up his mind, while he was walking to meet him. Hell, he was still debating it while he told him where to go for the next full moon.
He didn’t think it would be this bad.
His intention was never to get Snape hurt- Sirius genuinely believed that he would’ve stayed hidden and just watched.
…
He never thought he would be staring at Snape, a single bloody scratch on his arm, scared.. hell, he looked terrified. And he was glaring daggers at Remus, a scowl plastered on his face.
He’d have been dead if James hadn’t intervened and saved him. Sirius didn’t even try to help, he just stood there, like an idiot.
…
James yelled at him, a lot. Which was fine. He could handle yelling.. if he could handle his parents, he could handle this. And he knew, he knew he fucked up, so he didn’t say anything. What could he say?
Peter didn’t talk to him much anymore, (no one did) but he didn’t glare daggers at him either.
Remus though? His reaction had to have been the worst. He hasn’t spoken to him in days, not since he found out- not since he told him to get out of the infirmary the morning after. He’s been giving him the silent treatment, avoiding him, refusing to talk to him no matter what Sirius does.
He won’t even look at him for fucks sake.
He doesn’t know what to do.
He does know- it’s only fair. Because of something he did, Remus attacked Snape, and his boyfriend needed his own space to deal with that. Still, it didn’t stop him from feeling so.. alone.
He hadn’t felt this way in a while, not at school at least, but now..? He was eating meals alone in the great hall, he had to listen to Remus, James, and Peter talking for hours, laughing, planning pranks, studying, and he couldn’t say anything, because if he did? They’d all shut up. No one would answer him. On the rare occasion they did answer him- it was always school related, short, clipped, and straight to the point. Still, it was obvious they wanted to be anywhere else. Anywhere but here, with Sirius.
They weren’t the only ones who knew. Lily, Marlene- bell, even Mary found out about it, and they wouldn’t talk to him either. Fucking Regulus, his own brother was disappointed in him. He’d made a point to stop talking to him, making it clear that he stood behind Remus.
His own brother picked his best friend over him.
Which brought him to now.
He was sitting at the edge of the astronomy tower, like he had for the past two nights, his feet dangling in the frigid, cold air.
It would be better for everyone, right? His best friends (could he even call them that anymore?) acted like they hated him. his boyfriend refused to talk to him. His brother was apathetic and disappointed, even strangers refused to talk to him.
He fucked up, big time, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to fix it. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to talk to Remus again. To have James look at him with a mischievous grin, rather than a disappointed scowl. To talk to his brother without the prank being brought up, held over his head like a weapon.
He stared, looking at the ground. Would it hurt to die? Probably. But once you’re falling, he supposed, there’s no going back.
He wondered if it would be instant, or if he’d have to endure unimaginable agony until he died.
He snorted to himself, laughing softly. He dropped his head, letting it hang down by his chest. It’s not like he wouldn’t deserve it.. the pain. Maybe it could make up for what he did, even if it’s just a few minutes.
He didn’t notice tears falling down his face until his shoulders were shaking. He clutched onto the side of the floor, his vision blurred while he looked out at the night.
It hurt.
Loneliness hurts.
Even though he knew he messed up- he wanted to forget it. He wanted to laugh and joke with his friends, plan stupid pranks to pull on Snivelus. He wanted to gossip with the girls, have a place to sit at meals, to be the class clown again.. he wanted his friends back. He wanted the love, the affection he was so used to having. He wanted his brother back.
He wanted Remus to look at him. Even if it was with hate, or anger, or annoyance- he couldn’t handle the silent treatment anymore. He just wanted him to acknowledge that he existed, that maybe he was having a bad time too, to know that the guilt Sirius felt was so overwhelming it was the only thing he could think about, ever. He wanted his boyfriend. But he knew he had to give him space.
It was a little hard to say any of that when every time he tried, he was shut down. He’d almost reverted to begging Remus to yell at him, just let all his anger out- hit him even, maybe that would make them both feel better- but he hadn’t got past opening his mouth before Remus had got up and left the room.
They made it clear nothing Sirius could ever do would fix this, or speed up whatever grieving- or healing they had to do. Everyone had to come around on their own terms.
He wasn’t sure he’d be here when that happened.
Sirius knew the prank didn’t hurt him, it didn’t mess with him, scare him, traumatize him, or risk expulsion- but he’s been stripped of everyone he cared about. He’s been banished from social situations, temporarily banned from being a marauder, and shamed for giving the Gryffindor students a bad name- by everyone that knew what happened, at least.. by more people than he would’ve liked.
He felt bad for himself, he did. Even if he knew he deserved it- he wanted them all back so badly.
“I really fucked up this time, didn’t I, Moony?”
He choked out, staring at the bright, white ball in the sky. He sniffed, rubbing the tears off his cheeks, blinking harshly.
It was getting late, he ought to head back inside. Even if he knew nothing good was waiting for him, even if he knew it meant enduring another day of silence, contempt, and loneliness. Even if he knew he’d end up back here the next night, waiting until he gained the strength to jump..
He got up and went back inside, because maybe- maybe today Remus would look at him without scowling. Maybe James would give him a friendly grin. Maybe Peter would say more than a word to him. Maybe his brother would talk to him again.
Maybe.
God, it sounded stupid- but maybe was all he had, it was the only thing he could hang on too. So with the promise of a new day and another chance for a maybe, he dragged himself back to the common room. His steps were quiet as he climbed the stairs, not a single person noticing his absence or return. As he slipped under the covers, he did his best to fight off the loneliness threatening to consume him.
Hope you enjoyed! You can also find this on ao3
https://archiveofourown.org/works/64891168