TumbleRead

Dive into your creative stream

Tw Sui Attempt - Blog Posts

1 year ago

*Trigger Warnings: Details and Descriptions of su*c*d* attempt, su*c*d*l ideations, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, drug use, guilt, anxiety, bipolar depression, PTSD symptoms, eating disorder, passive aggressive humor.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023 Part 7

12:06pm

So yeah, I tried to kill myself. Emphasis on “tried”. I packed up all my shit, so that you and Gem wouldn’t have to touch it or look at it. I took those pills, all of those pills, because I couldn’t and still can’t cut myself. And, I waited in an alley 2 blocks from your apartment in the biting cold for 3 hours, so I wouldn’t die in the apartment, your home.

That slap must hurt, doesn’t it?

Then… nothing.

Nothing happened happened that is. I waited 3 hours, watching Steven Universe to leave with my last chance at happiness and nothing fucking happened. “Oh well”, I thought.

So, I got up, walked back to the apartment, called an ambulance because I took a shit ton of medication that was going to do something other than k*ll me. Went to the hospital, told them not to call you for a few hours because I didn’t care to. The drugs kicked in and I was high out of my mind, couldn’t even walk by myself (HA! LOL), and then… there you were.

I only remember two bits from that conversation. 1.) That you got me food because I realized I hadn’t eaten in however long I was there. And 2.), That you were kicking me out, said I couldn’t come back, that first you felt guilt that switched to anger, that you're "shipping me back to my mom", that what would I think if Gem found me dead in my room, and what would it be like for you both to have to find a new place. And I said, “I’m sorry”.

And I still have more sorry's to give. I know that what I just said was hurtful and unfair and completely victimizing myself, even if it is my side of the story. I’m so sorry for that. Genuinely, I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry that me arriving came at a time, where you and Gem were struggling with new jobs and the eventual lawsuit possibility. I’m sorry that I was another person with damaged mental health added to your household, when you felt like you were the only one keeping everyone afloat. I’m sorry that I never just told you the truth, my truth. Of how I was feeling and how much I was struggling.

I’m sorry that things never went the way we expected. I’m sorry for not being there for you and Gem, the way you both were for me. I’m sorry that I “fed off the energy in the space” and “exacerbated what was already in the space”. I’m sorry for not seeing the obvious signs that you both needed space.

I’m so sorry for not being able to leave the house or eat without being told. I’m so sorry for not being able to find an out-patient program or a job fast enough. I’m so sorry for making you be my one and only protector and supporter.

I’m so sorry for becoming your and Gem’s suffering, instead of just my own.

I’m so sorry for putting myself in your hands when you weren’t prepared.

I’m so sorry for making you take responsibility for me.

I’m so sorry for sharing more with Gem than with you.

I’m so sorry for not making my choice to say, “Yes, I’ll come stay with you”, shown and worth it.

I’m… so sorry… for putting you and Gem through the trauma of me attempting su*c*d*, and the strain that must have caused.

I’m.

So.

Sorry…

For Everything.

Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3 -- Part 4 -- Part 5 -- Part 6


Tags
1 year ago

*Trigger Warnings: Descriptions of su*c*d* attempt, su*c*d*l ideations, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, guilt, anxiety, bipolar depression, PTSD symptoms.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023 Part 6

12:06pm

I’ve realized that I wasn’t broken or shattered when I came to you. I was cracked. Hundreds of jagged lines waiting to be smoothed over. But from Langone to those next 6 weeks, pieces were starting to fall faster than the cracks were sealed. The first hospitalization at Emory, moving to New York, our fights, my Granny passing, more fights, my birthday, to that last Monday that I saw the apartment, to the last time we were together. Everything in-between was beautiful and warm, and those specific moments were pain and suffering.

I thought I had reached my breaking. But the truth is, my breaking point was 100 times higher than I ever thought. My mask was too thick, right? So thick that as tears rolled down my face onto the floor and as “I’m sorry” rode along my shaky breaths, the splashes and shakes couldn’t be heard.

You know, it was the smallest thing that pitched me off the tallest cliff that is my breaking point. It was another of your fights, another “open conversation”. I bought my tickets to go see our cousin for Christmas, something that you not only suggested, but I informed you that I decided upon the week before. And, as I listened to you say it yet another slap to your face (this should be a new record at this point, what’s the count, 6?), as I felt the quivering of my anxiety claw at my lungs, as you brought up trying to buy my tickets as if it wasn’t the first time I was hearing it, as I felt a good moment fade… I knew I needed to leave.

To rid you of my presence, my two suitcases, of my laptop, of the heels I bought as my birthday present to myself that I returned because you suggested (another irresponsible spend), of the list I made you of all my favorite foods of me washing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom and staying home and watching the cats as you and Gem traveled on a trip that I was invited on first and of the packet that you and Gem promised you would help me with but didn’t and of me with my angstand my sorrowand my guiltand my anxietyand my depressionand me…

Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3 -- Part 4 -- Part 5 -- Part 7


Tags
3 years ago

hi my name is duchesstopaz and i’m a trauma survivor. there are so many things that i want to say, need to say… but no one who can understand if they don’t listen. i want to use my blog to just vent and get out all of this that needs an escape because it’s eating away at me. i am constantly evolving and changing and have grown so much over all of these years. i have a story to tell and this is one of the ways that i can share. so please watch as a 20 y/o shares way too much on the internet lol :). feel free to interact if you would like, feel free to give advice if you would like, but this is truly something purely for me that i would like to share.


Tags
2 weeks ago

im a bad person

i only hurt those around me

everyones lives would be better if i was dead

i only ruin things

i shouldve died a long time ago

i shouldve never made it this far

im not going to get further in life anyways

im going to die before im 20

either from su1cide or from my illness

i hope i die soon

everyone would be better off that way

(sooner or later im gonna sl1t my throat or ove3d0se on my meds or h4ng myself from a tree in my backyard)


Tags
A hand reaching towards a building. Through the window, you can see a figure with their face scribbled out, who has a star above their head.

The stars were so pretty as he fell. It was like time slowed, and all he could do was stare. He would be one of them, according to some people. A star in the bright sky.

Despite it being only the afternoon, there were so many stars visible, their colours bleeding through the sunny blue to form myriads of colours, greens and purples and pinks. It was so beautiful, the sight almost made what he had done worth it.

He just wanted to be free. Free of the taunts, the interviews, the memories. Kim Dokja could only take so much, and this was where the curtain would close.

He hadn’t intended for this to be his course of action. He had gone to the window to get some air in the brief lapse between classes and his bullies, but his eyes had caught on that sky. That ethereal, enrapturing sky. He wanted to be part of it. He so desperately did.

Before he knew it, the window was open, and he was half out of it. His legs swung, to and fro, to and fro, all his attention still on the great above.

A gust of window brushed past him, he could feel someone staring at him from behind, but could not bring himself to look away. Perhaps he wouldn’t feel it if he did.

The sky called out to him, and he reached out for it. He reached to the point where his balance could not compensate, and he fell. He kept reaching.

He looked up at that sky, and as the wind rushed through the air, he couldn’t look away.

The brightest star of all, leaking through the canvas like a stain, came from right where he had just sat, where a person now stood, a person who looked just like him.

His attention had left the sky. The pain swiftly came, with a sickening crack as his head hit a branch, taking his consciousness, and with another to his chest, his pulse.


Tags
1 year ago

What if we rewrite the stars... (Say you where meant to be mine); Chapter Four.

What If We Rewrite The Stars... (Say You Where Meant To Be Mine); Chapter Four.

After, basically, many supernatural experiences, Esther becomes, in the floating words of Delirium, a many-coloured oyster shell containing a black pearl.

Where Esther does her first defiant action, and with it, she goes forward.

read here in ao3


Tags
1 month ago

We’re sorry for our absence recently we just want to take a break from creating for a while, explanation under the cut

heavy tw: suicide attempt & self harm

for a while now I’ve been doing quite horribly mentally, nonetheless I like running all my blogs just the same even when I feel bad

I’ve attempted maybe three or four times within the past few weeks and one was just a few days ago, and it drained me quite badly

I’ve also been trying to quit SH completely which is a huge task, mainly I struggle with these but if thistle fronts he does too

Anyway we’ve also been doubting our system worse than ever so we wanna get away from all things that trigger spirals of negativity and end up with us in severe danger

have a wonderful day friends, and remember, you’re loved


Tags
Loading...
End of content
No more pages to load
Explore Tumblr Blog
Search Through Tumblr Tags