Eventually-getting-it-together - I'm Doing My Best...ish

This semester needs to end 😫😢😓

My mental health has taken such a large shit as of late. This week needed to be productive as hell and I'm barely barely barely keeping up with what needs to happen. I'm working 4 full days next week and I have 3 group meetings and 1 class presentation and 1 group report on an experiment and all the other shit I've been dealing with. Online school is kicking my ass y'all

Last night I ended up having another anxiety attack before bed. My heart was beating hard and fast and was uncomfortable. I had a stress rash all over my chest. I couldn't stop crying. I had a hard time breathing. I felt like I was going to throw up. It's just the stress of school + not being able to register for a vaccine + feeling pressure from work to in person sub + my grandpa dying about a month ago + my grandma being in the hospital + my mom being the bipolar and manipulative sociopath she is + the whole pandemic. I feel so inadequate sometimes :/

Mom’s potato staring at me across the room

I can actually read my notes for once!

Today I:

●went to a virtual comp class that was a total waste of time

●partially caught up on week 8 module videos for my stats class

●added the video content to my running review for the stats class

●went to a virtual 2 hour group meeting for that stats class (so unnecessarily long and dumb)

●took a practice quiz

●started some practice problems

●studied outside! (For a little bit- still quarantined so it was in my backyard and there's very little shade and the umbrella isn't big enough to accommodate sun movements)

Today was crunch day and was finished off with the first anxiety attack of the semester... heheh so much for a less stressful semester

Unfortunately, I actually studied a lot more than what is displayed (just didn't start the app). I'm incredibly stressed out. I'm not a writer by any means. Some people have math anxiety, but I swear I have essay anxiety. I had to write an "essay by example"... but that doesn't make sense to me. It was very unclear what was meant by "essay by example" so I tried a persuasive essay that highlighted individual examples to refute a really dumb prompt. Idk. I missed the first 1.5 weeks of the class and feel lost. She wouldn't extend the first draft due date for me by even a few hours. I turned in the most garbage essay of my life. I feel like I did the entire assignment wrong.

What I did today:

● finished the other half of a stats module

● made an initial discussion post

● replied to 2 discussion threads

● took a walk in nature with one of my doggos and my sister

● oriented myself for the composition class I joined late (syllabus, directions, assignments, expectations)

● read a couple example essays / instruction in the textbook I finally got

● wrote a 4 page essay that is absolute garbage

● anxiety attack

You mean I have like 10 more years of this?

Ughhhhhhhhh

being in your 20s is just going through everyday wondering is this a defining moment? is this a defining moment? is this a defining moment? is this a defining mo

Definetly not my most productive day. I'm proud of what I got done, but it just wasn't nearly what I needed to do. I'm still bumbed out from yesterday. I'm actually behind schedule this week (not just because I joined a class late). On Wednesday I was too depressed to do any schoolwork and slept and watched videos most of the day. Today I couldn't get focused until about 11am. I woke up somewhat early, but I definetly slept in compared to my schedule last year/pre covid.

What I did today:

● wrote two initial discussion posts (~700 words total)

● replied to a discussion post (another ~300 words)

● got half way through this week's Environmental Statistics module

● attempted to do some affirmations in the mirror today (I have horrible self esteem and body image... it's been particularly bad lately)

With that I'm going to listen to some Headspace and go to bed 😴😴😴

By an absolute miracle my gold capella schefflera bounced back from a fungal infection that it had at a grocery store. I had told my sister I wanted a yucca plant/tree whatever for my graduation/birthday gift. She panicked and grabbed my tree, which I named Ray. He's now been in my care for a little over 2.5 years 💚

Yike

Don't buy grocery store plants