Latest Posts by pisforpandemonium - Page 3

um so we have a group assignment and a person I already hold bias against (despite being a friend *sigh* splitting sucks) suggested a topic after I did and people liked that more + when I said it's all interconnected and could be a common one topic, another friend said ooh yes but then former she was like ya but let's not make it complicated and then everyone agreed and now I feel pissed and annoyed and I feel like I wanna tell them to fuck off and that I leave the group and that I'm not going to say anything else if they're not taking anything I'm saying (even if their points are a lil valid) and I'm taking it all personally and I wanna rage against all of them fuckers eventhough one of the other people in the group is a best friend and I feel sick with anger and I hate bpd fuck this fuck everything

both Harry and Louis have BPD; no, you cannot change my mind. yes, you can fight me.

the fact that nobody has yet written a fanfic of Elodie, Tabitha and Moe being in a polyamorous queerplatonic relationship is a goddamn crime-

I'm so tired, like so so so tired

I just wanna end but I can't cause I'm a coward

Can't stop crying why

No point

What happened with Achan how it led to self harm.

Me feeling like I don't belong anywhere, nowhere feels tight cause conflicts in both places and passively wanna die.

Me being here doesn't make any difference to anybody, life will continue as usual, I'm not important.

SOML :-

get drunk to feel stuff ➡ feel understimulayed when no company ➡ experience a low ➡ breakdown

Scenario 2

get drunk to feel stuff ➡ company equals happy happy kiddo ➡ company goes away, chronic boredom ➡ impulsive stuff is done ➡ feel nothing the next day cuz no emotions

Pls temme as a prsn with BPD to belivr ppl when they say Dey not annoyed or Dey enjoyed company, gtta learn trusy

Sleep schedule - when talking to therapist about it - I said she knows she said I'm getting enough sleep so okay - your therapist is stupid then - good thing she's not yours then - proper vitamin d what's the point of great mental health 40 years from now when your body can't absorb stuff properly - many people share my sleep schedule

I DON'T CARE I DON'T FUCKING CARE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF I'LL BE ALIVE IN 40 YEARS

I've been sleeping earlier but now that he's telling me to it's like added pressure and I'm not gonna, like fuck, why can't people just leave me alone. It's like he was waiting till he could finally switch to advjcing me

sometimes I can tell when an episode is going to hit me y'know? my chest sinks and my head feels like all the air's been drained out of it, like till now it's been filled with water and feeling as such, but then when an episode is about to hit me or when I feel it coming, that water just flows out. and my throat feels cloggy and my tummy/chest area feels weird. Nowadays I can distract myself before it hits because I've numbed myself down so much and I've suppressed myself to much that I can swish it away or press it down so that I can prevent one, but then I just go back to feeling lonely or empty or whatever. and yeah, that's bad too

told my mom my therapist said she's getting more solid proof to confirm ADHD and my grandma mentioned that a cousin had ADHD didn't he, and I said he has ADD - she asked what that is, I said attention deficit and my mom made a joke saying oh you need more attention, not getting enough attention - and I snapped at her and slammed my tea cup down on the table and yelled about how I've told her that I don't like jokes like that and why she can't seem to understand that and then stormed off, and she felt Sad I know and she was alll like it's a joke, can't I make a joke now and my grandma was like isn't there freedom of speech now and they're both upset with me I think (but in my defense I've told them MULTIPLE times how I hate jokes like that) - still can't help feeling embarrassed a bit tho

difference between shipping and queerbaiting, you ask?

Drarry = Shipping

Sterek = Queerbaiting

I know some people think they have the freedom to start discussions about anything and everything and treat matters as a fun topic to debate over and then reach a "to each their own" or "let's let it go now" point, but when you do that about matters which affect people's rights, or which personally affect people (such as queer rights/queerphobia, mental illnesses, sexism etcetc) - you have to realise that what you're utilising isn't your freedom of speech or your right to say whatever you want without giving two shits about the consequences or how it impacts the people who face it/go through it personally, what you're utilizing is your fucking audacity and tone deaf bigotry to be offensive, hurtful, ignorant and discriminatory.

And if your "debate partner" is somebody who goes through the issue personally, faces the stigma and prejudice you seem to treat as a fun argument personally, and thus can't make proper refutes or comebacks or keep calm, it's not on them, it's not fucking on them - it's on you for being a piece of shit asshole who thinks they're free to say and do whatever you want. You may have freedom of speech, but freedom of speech doesn't include hate speech, discriminatory speech or stigmatising speech. Fuck you.

*Warning* for sanism - super hurtful/offensive stuff about people with mental illnesses

um, I just had this huge argument with my uncle about mental illnesses and terms used to refer to people with mental illnesses (in our native language - an offensive word), which are offensive and have a negative connotation and he treated the entire thing like a joke, spoke over me, said people with mental illnesses don't know best for themselves because they're not in their senses/not normal and then when I said you should use compassionate tersm, he said that no matter what words we use to refer to "them" it doesn't change the fact that they're cr*zy (translation of a Malayalam term), and then he walked away in the middle laughing and saying that I can say whatever I want - and right now I'm shaking with anger, my enthure body is vibrating and my eyes are tearing up and fuck my fingers are shaking it takes so much effort to type and I don't know how to deal with thjs. When I asked him if he's the one learning for psychology or I am, he said he knows the same things I do because he talks to people who're crazy for his cases (he's a lawyer btw) and he kept repeating that split personality is the same as bipolar disorder and when I said people with bipolar disorder don't agree with it/it isn't the right term, he did and said the above things and duck. He's treating it like a fucking fun debate topic while I'm shaking and trying not to cry in my room

I couldn't even make my argument properly because I kept shaking and I was speechless and my heart was on overdrive

And then then my grandma to came to ask me if I wanted to come out and I told her how I didn't and how it wasn't a fun topic that he was treated it like one and that it's something that affects people and its serious, she kept backing away and saying ya ya I was just asking, it's okay, it's okay and then she left without even acknowledginh what I saying like fuck

I felt today oh 🙂

TW suicide

Um, I keep watching new shows and new books and stuff so that I could be like oh let this one be over oh let this get over so that I don't reach the peak of suicidal thought? And um I just want a new therapist and proper therapy plan so that I could get Better Or in scared that I will reach and maybe go over that peak maueb

How many reminders is too many annoying reminders?

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

"you're tired? How are you tired??? You barely do anything the entire day"

I wake up when my body tells me to just duck everything and stay in bed the entire day, I take a shower when all I feel like is to lay on the fucking bathroom floor under the hot water, I eat lunch when I have 0 appetite, I live when my brain has fucking suicidal ideations daily. Don't fucking tell me I do barely anything because having a fucked up mental health affects you physically too

8 t hink I need helpProfessional jelp

And not just my this therapist vaala help

Because sometimes I scare myself a

Nd I know I tell you still

Stuff

But trust me

What's going in my brain is so much worse than the stuff I tell you

The reason why I tell you so much in the first place is cause there so much more and if I didn't tell you the bare minimum I'd go out of my mind

And I need hekp

Please

She and I : discusses what to post on activism account, decides on bpd info reel

I : work hard on it, and lists one description which goes "congratulated only with one word and no emoji?? Etcetc, time to grab the red marker" and sends it to her cause it's my first time making one and I thrive on reassurance

She : it's nice

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF READING ALL THOSE FUCKING THINGS I WROTE ABOUT BPD THEN IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO APPLY THEM YO, I LITERALLY *JUST* MENTIONED HOW ONE WORD ANSWERS LIKE THAT TRIGGER NY BPD AND SHE GIES AND DOES JUST THAT LIKE WHY

Warning for mention of abuse and wanting to die :

I used to be an abusive friend when I was in 5th/6th grade. My friends used to always replace me with new friends, I'd always be left being, always the second choice, sometimes never the choice during my younger ages, so when I formed friendships and best friends in 4th/5th/6th and so on, I used to be a bad friend. I would pinch and threaten and hurt my best friend saying that she couldn't be best friends with someone else if she still wanted to be friends with me; I'd throw a tantrum and lose my temper at almost my entire class if they didn't play games the way I wanted during P.E; I used to lose my temper quickly and yell and shout and even get violent when I couldn't deal with my emotions; my memory is so messed up right now, but I remember that my mother used to have issues with my paternal grandma and she would take out her anger and emotions out on me when I was a child. She once destroyed a fancy pen my dad bought for me - who used to be at work a lot of the time - and I screamed and yelled and gosh, it was horrible. My grandparents used to say that I was the most disobedient child they'd ever met and that they wished they were rather dead than see me; my uncle once told me that he'd rather have anyone else as his niece/nephew rather than me. And people used to make all these comments which were super hurtful and I used to be scolded so much by everybody and being a disobedient child, everyone was angry at me at one point or the other. I used to be criticized for my voice, because it's a little high pitched and my family would scold me and mock me and keep telling me to stop speaking like a baby, they'd also scold me for tiny tiny things and make super harsh comments.

I guess everything together, like water droplets forming an ocean, messed up my emotions.

The only reason I'm saying the following is because I'm anonymous and the guilt is killing me, making me feel like I deserve to die and deserve to be abused and deserve nothing good and I feel sick - I used to take my anger out when I was in the first grade, 6 years or so, on my pet dog. I used to pull his tail and ears and sometimes hit him and fuck fuck fuck fuck, I I can't. Ididn't know how to deal with emotions, all I knew was how to explode and I'd take out my emotions on my dog and I've been feeling guilty and sick and absolutely disgusted at myself for the past years and I feel like I should hurt myself to make up for the hurt I caused him and every time anyone mentions him- we were super close otherwise, he was my bestest best friend - I feel like crying and punishing myself. My heart aches and my tummy clenchesclenches and fuck, I can't. Please please please please forgive me, please let me tell me how to atone for this please please please somebody. I wrote a letter apologising and kept in in his grave when he passed away, I still can't help but sob when I think about him and I'm sobbing as I'm typing this because I love him so much so so so so much and I showed him love, but I also hurt him and he must feel so betrayed so confused that somebody who loves him and who he loved hurt him and my heart feels like it's being torn open and hot lava is being poured inside.

Anyway, um, my bpd...

There are so many things, so I'll just type it out in bullet points (warning for mention of self harm and suicidal ideation) :

1. Not being able to express certain emotions properly because they're labeled as "negative/toxic" and are seen as a trademark of people with BPD, such as jealousy or anger. So I have to try extra hard to portray anything close to these emotions because I don't want to be seen as manipulative or toxic.

2. Feeling like having a mental breakdown at the TINIEST things - even a small criticism, or a small, passing harsh comment could ruin my day and make me want to self harm. Sometimes even results in suicidal ideation.

3. Feeling so numb, all the time. Feeling like there's no motivation to do anything. Feeling like I need somebody to tell me what to do, to make me do stuff all the time. The feeling of emptiness, hollowness sucks and I rarely feel any emotion completely.

4. Feeling like I hate somebody and that I don't need them in my life (even if I cognitively know it's untrue) if they say something that wasn't what I wanted to hear, or wasn't the right thing to say, or if it was a passing remark. That feeling of betrayal and that they never loved me or understood in the first place, that they don't care about me. The feeling that people are temporary and replaceable and disposable which has formed as a defense mechanism.

5. Intense emotions, oh gosh, sometimes I "overreact" for the tiniest things and have outbursts which I regret and don't even make sense later on. A deep rage fills me and my head just wipes out and I don't even realise what's coming out of my mouth, I can't think before I speak, or wait before I type.

6. The guilt, fuck, the guilt. It makes me feel like a horrible person and it consumes me and I feel like I need to punish myself, I deserve to not be loved because of the kind of person I am.

7. The jealousy and possessiveness. Not only over people, but over pets and toys and other things too, such as favorite books and actors and characters and songs. I don't know if this possessiveness (this feeling of they're my safe thing/person etec) is a symptom of bpd.

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

I've been wearing sleeveless and revealing clothes recently cause my self confidence/body confidence is at an all time high, and I noticed something...

Rupa aunty (our warden) has started treating me differently, after she saw me wear revealing/"provacative" clothes outside; there was this girl who was super friendly - she's in the opposite room on our floor - and would smile at me, but once I showed off my boob tattoo to a few other friends of mine, when she was around, she started acting more cold towards me; a few days ago, I went out with Anushka and Traidha, and I was asking auto Chetans if they'd go (I was wearing a tight camisole, but a plaid shirt over it tho) - the first TWO people I asked looked me up and down, gave me really nasty looks and told me quite rudely that they don't know the way and they can't go.

Plus, I've had to face slut shaming - kind of slut shaming - from my family too, so yeah.

And I'm not letting it affect me or anything, I swear, I was just noticing all that and I never realised how such a small thing could change the attitude of people so fast.

yo, why does a particular form of oppression have to "hurts everyone in some way or the other" - for people who’re not the primary targets/victims to talk about it 🙄

not everything affects everyone, that doesn't make something less real or less important. experiences don't have to be universal to be talked about. homophobia doesn't hurt straight people, yes, it might inconvenience them in some way, but they don't *face* homophobia, similarly so with other forms of oppression~

it doesn't have to affect you personally for you to care about it.

how to tell your family you got a boob tattoo :

step #1 - don't.

In case someone is reading this, just a trigger warning for death and stuff okay

yo, since I was a small kid whenever people were angry at me, they'd say that I was a burden and that they'd never met a child like me and they they wish they were gone/dead instead of having to deal with me and whenever I did or took something (like food for example) when it wasn't eating time without asking they'd ask me why I was eating during such a time and if I finished the last piece of something they'd be like oh you didn't ask anybody else if they want it, you're so selfish and y'know stuff lkek that, they'd never let me have complete freedom y'know, and now whenever I ask if I can eat something or like finish something or like ask permission or when I can't make decisions on my own properly or when I don't do something, like take a class or whatever because I feel like I'd be wasting their money or do tiny tiny stuff so that I'd seem invisible or not want them to do some things for me, they'd be like why aren't you doing that - like why are you asking permission for such tiny things, you should know to make your own decisions and like not to worry about other stuff and do the things you're interested but now, at present, at this age, I literally cannot, and they just don't get it that the things they've told me when I was a kid have been conditioned and engraved into my brain and it's difficult to heal from that.

The worst thing about BPD is not being able to express or share what you're feeling to someone else because what you're feeling seem to be traits of a toxic person, when you know you don't act it out, but you still can't share em because of demonised certain feelings and emotions are.

Like, sometimes when I idolize someone I feel reallyyy reaaaaalllyyyyy jealous if someone else is close to them, and I feel sick when I get hints that someone else shares the same kinda relationship I do with them and I feel like going to the other person's phone and checking if they actually do share the same bond I and the idolized person do, and it's like a nagging sickening feelings because I feel really super bad, but I can't tell this to my friend because they'd immediately drop me (or so I fear) or judge me to be a bad person ://

I wanna bitch slap my roommate

I fucked up, I really really really fucked up. The first thing you need to know is that I overshare, a lot, I literally cannot function without oversharing. I need to give explanations and I need to clarify things which other people may have not over thought so that my brain shuts up and gives me peace of mind.

I've this teacher who is really awesome cool amazing etcetc and I send her interesting stuff - after asking her first. But Yada Yada, I tell my uncle how awesome she is and everything and he's like '

Btw, remember something.. she must be going out of her way to respond to your msgs n be nice to you.. but do remember she has a life too, tto.. don't over burden her so much so that she feels 'aaagh.. She has msged again n I need to respond since she'll expect one..'

And since I'm a person who overthink the shit out of stuff I had already had this insecurity and he just solidified it. So I went and talked to ma'am about it, made everything weird and since then I couldn't get it out of my head that I'd done something wrong and that I needed to apologise for it but not really clear on what it exactly is.

And then a few days ago she was late to class and I personally thought it was an as per usual thing and no one texted her to come either, and plus I have in a terrible mood that day so I was having a heavy conversation with my friend outside the class. So when she suddenly came I was shakey and I couldn't respond properly when she - kinda upset aayittu - asked us why we didn't let her know. So my friend and I were kinda stumped pole, and I guess she realised something or it was just because she was late that she walked in the class. It must've seemed as if I had ignored her after this very deep very weird WhatsApp convo, and also I didn't get to thank her after class because I was thanking my friend for being there for me. So yesterday, which was a few days, 2 or so, after this had happened I text her out of the blue apologising to her for this and now I want to fucking punch myself in the face because I honestly, genuinely hate myself so much because I literally fuck everything up. Like everything. Why can't I stop overthinking so much and overeharing so much, why am I such a fuck up. She must be so weirded out, she must think I'm a fake person, she must think that it was a mistake to allow me to text her in the first place, she must think that she just wished I left her alone and I don't fucking know if it's my bpd or if it's me as a fuck up of a person but goshhhhhh, why the fuck am I like thisss

And I cannot control it. I legit cannot, I swear, fuck, if I could, I would've. I hate myself so much

I feel so lonely :)