If You Don’t Have A Job. You Are Workless, Not Worthless.

Fuck your dreams!

- or at least revise them from time to time...

So a few months ago my boyfriend (who is really fond of TED Talks) told me about one of the talks he listened to recently. The message was supposed to be "F**k your dreams!". I've got to be honest with you, I simply did not agree with him.

Well, about two weeks ago one of my few loved family members died and before I even could cry about it or realize what kind of loss that meant for me, something inside of me demanded change. Change concerning my dreams. And that was really a strange thought because I have been working so hard towards becoming a PI, having my own chair in some microbiological discipline, that it basically left me with nothing else.

Now, it has been some time since this initial spark. I did a lot of crying, thinking, reading and blankly staring into my computer - not really able to articulate what was going on inside of me. But this thought had stuck in my head because after all I felt like I've been saying "Sorry, I am busy" way too much over the past years. And I might have just discovered that my time, my boyfriend's time, my friend's time and sadly also my family's time on earth is limited. Everyone's time is limited. Somehow it felt like I forgot to use it the right way.

Still, not knowing how to communicate any of these thoughts, I straight out asked my boyfriend what he thought would happen if I just started all over and started a degree in engineering. And he said: "Well, then you'll become an engineer." The answer was so simple that it made me laugh because something within me expected him to talk me out of it, to give me a passionate speech about following my dreams and not have one through back make me quit. But he obviously asked for reasons and we talked them over. In the end he gave me a passionate speech - my own personal TED Talk on how I am not obligated to my old dreams and that I can revise them anytime I want to. And that's when I understood what the talk was about to say. (I am actually not sure if this one is the talk he got the idea from & my personal one was more inspiring to me but this one will do for you.)

I thought it would get harder to express my thoughts to other people. Especially, because I am still trying to figure out what I want to do instead. Engineering was just the first thing I could think of. But actually, nobody tried to talk me out of it. People asked questions. Obviously. Because suddenly I wasn't this stubborn fighter anymore who would do anything to become a well-known scientist. But they meant well & just tried to understand. And they did understand. Even my mom was full on in telling me that there are so many things I am interested in and that I am talented in that I would surely find my way. No word about finishing what I started. No word about how much longer I would want to study. Or if at some point I was going to earn my own money. (I am very much planning on it though.)

So, I guess, what I want to say is: If you ever find yourself doubting your dreams, don't be shy to revise them and take your time. And never be afraid to communicate it - you might find support where you never expected it to be.

“In my friend, I find a second self.”

c.s. lewis / my best friend by the coral / alivia horsley / @billypotts / hanya yanagihara / ‘after party ll’ salman toor / the kids aren’t alright by fall out boy / a summer’s tale / lorde / hanya yanagihara / abed and troy (community) with a winnie the pooh quote @weelezzer / isabel norton

I wish, I wish with all my heart that I could carry home in my back like a turtle.

Atleast that will give me the reason to avoid human interaction.

in your 20’s find a balance between hustle & rest. you don’t need to have a love life or a soulmate figured out. go travel the world. battle your demons. set up a business, find people who value your heart & yours will attract. don’t live in the past, you have so much more to see

Things You Don't Comment On:

- someone’s eating habits

- appearance issues that can’t be fixed there and then

- someone else’s “bad” decision if it can’t now be undone

- someone’s laugh or voice

- someone’s “unrealistic” dreams

- someone “not looking their best” in photos

- someone not wanting to do something and trying to subtly avoid it without making a fuss

- anything that you know will make someone self conscious or insecure unnecessarily

• 10th June 2021 •

Constantly changing tabs in my brain between "You got this, everything will be fine." and "You are useless, you will never amount to anything in your life."

I'm not crying and neither are the lights off

Source

Me every single night: