I Hated - Hated - My 7th Grade English Teacher, But He Did Say Something That Has Stuck With Me This

i hated - hated - my 7th grade english teacher, but he did say something that has stuck with me this whole time: the actual mark of maturity in someone is whether they take responsibility.

over time, this has become something i find to apply to too-many things. this weighty, complicated thing - responsible. almost direct from the latin respondere - the verb for "to answer to".

taking responsibility is not just "being in control of". it also means being gentle. being able to apologize. being able to accept fault. to notice your own actions and change them to be better. it is not just saying "ah fuck i dropped the plate," it is saying "okay, i'll go get the broom."

at 16, when her parents tell her i put a roof over your head, she spends that night curled in my lap, sobbing, trying to articulate something too-heavy-for-words - that they think responsibility is just about obligation; that she is bound to them because they are responsible for her. that she feels, over and over, responsible for their emotions. that she spends hours cartwheeling over eggshells, feeling the drip of their expectations slowly sushing down her body.

according to my mom, responsibility and privilege are partners. this is probably true. a car (privilege) is a weapon if used (responsibility) incorrectly. my dog is my responsibility, and he brings me the privilege of hours spent in sunshine. there are, though, a lot of times people are given one without the other - the privilege, and no responsibility for their actions. the responsibility, and nothing but hours of obligation, over-and-over. i have also learned: there is a difference between fault and responsibility. this will be important for you at some point, if you are watching.

at 21, when i am begging him again to just listen, i am asking him to take responsibility for the span of our relationship. for the ways he has shoved thorns into every part of my body. i come across as needy, because it is my job to be responsible for the relationship - somehow, he has escaped that. it is always my job to ask for help. to beg for him to just put in any-ounce-of-more.

how easily responsibility becomes assumed. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to take care of dinner. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to get groceries, to clean the house, to mealplan, to do laundry. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to wear smart clothing. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to blend in with the rest of society.

at 25, it is happening again. this is a different man in a different city, and the responsibility is one that is demanded of me. he tells me he will skip off the world and into the darkness if i break his heart, no matter how much he breaks mine. i am back to begging - get help, get better, i cannot lift you if you do not try to stand with me. i am also responsible for myself - and then, suddenly, responsible for the entire life of somebody. i remember sitting there asking him - when will it be your turn to do the carrying? and the way he wrinkled his nose at me. i would laugh-cry: i feel like i'm your mother and he would start gagging. nothing would change. still running after him, making sure he washed his clothes and took care of himself and made those appointments and did anything. my own health was suffering.

a lot of discussion about consequence is really a discussion of responsibility. i am an internet poet. i made a little hellsite my unfortunately-unpaid home. i believe, in my heart of hearts - make what you want, but be responsible for it. whenever we make things, we are bound to them, end of story. this is a real-life thing. watch who in your life hates having responsibility. watch the way they expect other people to have responsibility. this sense they have: that responsibility is punishment, is unfair to unload on them. that someone else should do the carrying.

i am 26 at the start of 2020. we all know what happens then. the average person is asked to take responsibility. for many, this is second-nature. simple. occasionally annoying, but eventually habitual. for many others, though, this is their great and honest reckoning. they misunderstand civil liberty to mean - a land where everything, always, is just-about-me. on a personal level, when i am not absolutely livid about this population, i am sort-of sad for them. one of the good things about responsibility is that it builds community. each of these people, one at a time, has been making the same statement: i am alone in this world. i am blisteringly, horribly lonely.

i have noticed, over time - the way that responsibility is borne. how careful i have to be as a queer cuban writer. how careful some asshole on twitter is-not-careful-at-all. knowing that if i am too-loud. abrasive, unflattering: i could make my whole community responsible for my behavior. that people would read my work and say - see! this is why there aren't that many of these types of writers. that others can make bigger, bolder mistakes - but it will just be their mistake to make; their-singular-responsibility. that what i am "careful" about is making my posts well-researched, thought-out, accessible, funny. that what others are rabidly angry about being careful about - that they would suddenly become responsible for bigotry. this horrible sense: you have no idea what it means to be forced to bear this weight, and you find it terrifying.

i have been responsible for a long time. laughing, i tell my therapist eldest daughter, middle child syndrome. i was a latchkey kid. i was the first one home and had to be sure i got the fire lit or there wasn't heat. written like that, it sounds like something from charles dickens: alone, shivering in a house that isn't home, feeding tinder to the back of the wood stove. i have been a delight to have in class. i was always charmingly responsible. i have had-to-be. there was no other option.

burnout is high, i'm told. over and over, the media paints people like me as being responsible for how we are treated. they will say it's not your fault, but we all know they think it is my responsibility. people are violent to me; it is my responsibility to be a more properly-trained minority. my boss is cruel; it's my responsibility to find a new job or just go hungry. it is not the responsibility of others to help me figure out my medical debt, i should try asking more questions at the pharmacy. it is not the responsibility of public schools to help students get an education - it is the responsibility of 17-year-olds to sign into a lifetime of debt. it is not the responsibility of the government to protect my right to choose; it's my responsibility to simply not get into any situation that might require me having an opinion. it's satisfying to watch the general, quiet strike of minimum-wage workers: the way others, confused, are demanding the same question - why aren't other people taking responsibility for the things i don't want to do myself?

the other day, i saw a post from someone who hurt me. it was sort of embarrassingly on-the-nose. he's kissing someone new now (god protect her). under the two of them smiling, the caption reads: thank you to this responsible, beautiful queen for constantly taking care of me.

now be honest. answer the following. fill in the blanks. bring your truth to your throat and keep her. 1. in general, it is normal for a [ ] to have more responsibility than a [ ]. 2. you are responsible for [ ]. 3. when you tell [ ] to take responsibility, they will say [ ]. 4. in your life, it is normal for [ ] to take responsibility. 5. when did that start? 6. and how is it going?

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writetastic

3 years ago

Hey babe what are some things that you think would be a good investment when improving your lifestyle?

- Healthy foods and kitchen essentials: I bought a huge NutriBullet kit on sale the other day for $99 and it was one of the best investments I’ve made. It incentivises me to make green smoothies in the morning with ingredients that make my skin clearer, energy better, etc. I recommend investing in obviously fruits and vegetables on the regular, but also things like vitamins, super greens powder, protein powder, white tea and green tea, a portable thermos to drink tea anywhere at any time (I have a cute one from Lululemon), rolled oats, bamboo straws, maca powder, raw cocoa, and then of course nutritious groceries. I like buying sourdough bread, avocado, lemon, feta cheese, eggs, chicken, jasmine rice and fruit regularly.

- invest in your HAIR. It’s worth spending several hundred dollars a year on an excellent cut and colour. If you can afford it, get regular blow dries, but I choose not to (I definitely will when budget allows for it comfortably). Please don’t dye your hair at home lol. Getting your hair done at a good salon makes it look expensive. Get a treatment too if you need one. Ultimately, the right investments in your hair should make it look more expensive, and make it more LOW maintenance on a daily basis. It’s also worth investing in an excellent hairbrush (I use the Aveda wooden paddle brush which was around $60 or so), and hair oil (Moroccanoil argan oil is the best I’ve found and used, it’s about $70-80 if I remember correctly, def worth it). These two products make your daily routine more seamless and effective and give you long term healthier, shinier hair.

- Gym or fitness membership: I pay $25 for a membership at a studio in the city which includes unlimited Pilates, barre, yoga and HIIT classes. I don’t enjoy traditional gym anymore so I found something that works for me, and is only 10 mins from my house. This is seriously a non negotiable, even if you have no fitness goals or aesthetic goals for your body, having a fitness routine adds an element of structure and wellbeing to your daily life. It enriches it with community, and improved health benefits. If you’re trying to lose weight or tone up, definitely a must. Keep searching until you find the perfect place, and secure that membership.

- An everyday tote bag: personally I don’t carry a handbag in my day to day life generally. An ordinary day in my life would include a balance of work, gym and university, so I need a lot of space in my bag for a change of clothes, makeup bag, books, laptop, hairbrush, food, water bottle, wallet etc. I carry the ‘Deluxe Gum Bag’ from Lorna Jane which is THE MOST AMAZING bag ever. It’s insanely sturdy and carries SO MUCH. It’s also super chic and stylish. This bag is literally my life lol, it’s been with me through thick and thin 😂 if I’m only going to work or uni or running errands, I’ll just carry a canvas tote bag, like my New Yorker tote. Something lightweight and chic. So, investing in the right everyday bag(s) is life changing.

- Makeup: I use the same 5 makeup products everyday. All high end and all very reliable/high quality. They’ve lasted me ages and definitely given me a bang for their buck. I recommend investing in a good tinted moisturiser (don’t recommend foundation), bronzer, powder, eyeliner, mascara, lipliner, eyeshadow palette and eyebrow pencil. My approach to makeup has been more ‘quality over quantity’. I probably buy a new piece of makeup once a year. When you buy high end products, you don’t need to replace them so frequently. I recently purged my collection and now only have a moderate amount of high end products I would realistically use. The brands I recommend are NARS, Laura Mercier, MAC, Charlotte Tilbury, Benefit, Too Faced, Chanel, Hourglass, Tarte, Dior and It Cosmetics.

- High quality bedding: when I moved into my new place I spent $600 on top notch bedding with zero qualms. Do NOT underestimate the importance of quality, linen or cotton bedding. I went to the Sheridan outlet and bought cotton quilt, bedsheets, towels, mattress protector, pillows and pillowcases, and quilt cover. Cotton bedding is breathable and soft on your skin, prevents nasty bedbugs and illnesses they transmit, and drastically improves your quality of sleep and life overall. Polyester cheap bedding will over time destroy your skin and leave you prone to bedbugs and difficult sleep! It was SUCH a good investment and now I sleep like a baby every night.

- Silk pillowcase: I purchased the Slip silk pillowcase and ever since I’ve seen improvements in my hair and skin. Both are smoother and softer. Other pillowcases can truly wreak havoc on your hair and cause wrinkles over time. Plus it feels so luxurious and incredible to wake up on silk every morning!

- Educational subscriptions: I’m subscribed to the New York Times, the New Yorker, and Medium. These add immense value to my daily life. On the bus or train I can open the app and educate myself endlessly on a huge variety of topics and disciplines. Buying the right subscriptions enriches your life with cultural and social awareness, a better vocabulary, a stronger ability to communicate with all types of people on a variety of topics, and exposure to eloquent, articulate verbal communication.

- Quality tech to enhance your learning: for me, this meant investing in AirPods to listen to podcasts all day long, anywhere I am. My Apple Watch also helps me keep track of my physical activity and amplify/monitor it on a daily basis. The right tech accessories can seriously level up your daily life and learning. I recommend investing in a Kindle, good headphones/AirPods, MacBook, Fitbit etc. having one or more of these staples helps make your learning more seamless, motivating and convenient.

Hope this list helps! There a probably a lot more (like quality shoes, books, hair extensions etc) but these are the essentials I think are worth the investment for maximised daily usefulness and value to my routine.

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writetastic

3 years ago

It is and will always be a disaster if you keep a person above yourself.