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In one condition of the experiment, six flavors of jam were available for tasting: peach, black cherry, red currant, marmalade, kiwi, and lemon curd. In another condition, twenty-four flavors of jam were featured: the six flavors just mentioned plus eighteen others. In both conditions, customers who tasted the jam could then use a coupon to buy a jar at lower cost.

The key finding in the study was that the twenty-four-flavor table attracted more attention yet it resulted in fewer buyers. Shoppers flocked to the exciting array, yet most became overwhelmed and dropped out of buying jam altogether. Only 3 percent of those who visited the twenty-four-flavor table went on to buy jam. In contrast, shoppers who visited the six-flavor table were more able to decide which jar was right for them, with about 30 percent leaving the store with jam in hand.

The next week, I told Ian about the jam experiment and wondered aloud about whether he felt too overwhelmed by life’s purported possibilities to pick something.

“I do feel overwhelmed by the idea that I could do anything with my life,” he said.

“Then let’s get concrete. Let’s talk about choosing jam,” I offered.

“Am I at the six-flavor table or the twenty-four-flavor table?” he asked.

“That is an excellent question. I think part of making any decision in your twenties is realizing there is no twenty-four-flavor table. It’s a myth.”

“Why is it a myth?”

“Twentysomethings hear they are standing in front of a boundless array of choices. Being told you can do anything or go anywhere is like being in the ocean you described. It’s like standing in front of the twenty-four-flavor table. But I have yet to meet a twentysomething who has twenty-four truly viable options. Each person is choosing from his or her own six-flavor table, at best.”

Ian looked at me blankly, so I went on.

“You’ve spent more than two decades shaping who you are. You have experiences, interests, strengths, weaknesses, diplomas, hang-ups, priorities. You didn’t just this moment drop onto the planet or, as you put it, into the ocean. The past twenty-five years are relevant. You’re standing in front of six flavors of jam and you know something about whether you prefer kiwi or black cherry.”

- The Defining Decade by Meg Jay, PhD

Every “failure” is a lesson

We’re praised for our successes but we rarely see someone having a positive attitude towards failing. Quite early on we learn to fear failure, even though it’s a part of life. We will always fail at something. Sometimes we might fail at everything.

We have to accept failures and what’s more, we have to see them as learning opportunities. Our success teaches us very little and rarely so but mistakes always teach us something as long as you are willing to learn that lesson.

Next time you fail at something or do something wrong, don’t beat yourself up about it. That does nothing. Find the lesson, figure out what you did wrong and then promise yourself you won’t do it again. Then move on. There’s nothing else to do but move on.

See the failure as a learning opportunity even before you fail. Take more chances, use your opportunuties, because you either succeed or you learn. Things are far less scary when you gain something from either outcome.

Read this if you want study motivation!

• There’s a reason you’re studying what you’re studying. It’s is fun, it’s enjoyable, it’s something you like. Your studies aren’t a chore, they’re a hobby! Try to see them that way!

• Taking notes? Yay! Perfect opportunity to let your creativity flow! Now, you don’t have to have a journal you make super fancy, handwritten, colour coded notes in (don’t get me wrong, I love those, and bless the people who post pictures of theirs but grr! it’d just take me too much time!) - you can create a Google Docs document and use some fun fonts and add some pretty aesthetic pictures! Works just as well! And it’s fun!

• No matter how you’ve decided to be creative, the act of creativity itself will give you both a sense of accomplishment and of purpose (which is something I - and I suspect quite a few other people - struggle with sometimes). Yeah, it might take up a little bit of your time, but it’s totally worth it long-term because once you’re done you have a super pretty document/journal that will up the ~vibe~ every time you sit down to study! Besides, it’s totally up to you how much time you want to spend on your little project.

• The excitement you feel when you encounter the stuff you’ve learned out in the real world is amazing. I still remember when I was twelve and a friend and I were baking and were overjoyed about being able to say “hey, this is an emulsion! this is what we talked about in chemistry!” and oh my god you feel so nerdy and so smart and happy and it’s great.

• Studying really gives you a way of seeing life in a new light. It makes you so much more appreciative of the little things. If you study biology you’ll suddenly think about vacuoles when you’re watering your plants, study prejudice and racism and you’ll suddenly be able to tell when someone’s being an ass and have the tools to call them out on it like a boss, study psychology and chuckle at the cheesy commercial using psychologically appealing colours to try to get you to buy things, study geology and smile because now you’re able to tell that “that’s metamorphic rock”. Be nerdy and suddenly the world is filled with wonders.

• Getting started is one of the most difficult steps. Or rather, that period of time right after you’ve gotten started when you get to the point of “oh, I don’t immediately know everything there is to know in this field. hm.” or “what do you mean I won’t establish my own superior drawing style after just one drawing”. Many of us want things to flow when we learn. We don’t want it to be too difficult, or take up too much time and effort, or require too much dedication. We’d rather skip the step of having to learn how to ride the bike because, well, it’s annoying and kinda boring, and rather head straight to the part where we zoom down a hill like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I’m so sorry to break this to you, but you’re gonna have to know how to maneuver the thing before you reach the “wind in my hair” phase.

• How do you make it through the boring and annoying stuff then? I’d say focus on the very things I’ve written about in this post. Focus on why you decided to try the thing out in the first place; what was it that pulled you in? What goals do you want to reach? Focus on the fact that this is something you want to do - like to do! - and not something you have to do. Focus on appreciating the things you learn rather than solely focusing on what you haven’t learnt yet; take that newfound knowledge and rant to a friend, rant to your family, rant on your tumblr or in your journal. You know stuff! You’ve learnt stuff! How amazing is that?! 

FIRST DAY AT WORK TIPS

A few tips Ive gathered over the years starting many new jobs, and being a manager. Works for either career jobs or beginner jobs.

1- You're barely starting, they don't have much expectations already. Be polite, be graceful, do everything your best possible. Stuff can go wrong obvs, but try to extract the lessons from the problems and move ON.

2- The beginning is the BEST time to ask questions. A good manager would be actually happy you're asking questions, because it demonstrates you want to do well. Ask ask ask ask questions. Don't be shy. Bring a small notebook + pencil to note down important information, this small detail BOOSTS your image. Arrive PREPARED, as much as you possibly can be. To not appear like you haven't listened, repeat a crucial related information, then ask the question. "I know that we have to insert the customer name there, and never forget to add the code, what if [special case] happens, what should I do?" It makes you look like you're very intentional and seeking to be your best ever. .

3- If they hired you, it means they know you can make it. You have the basics to be able to do the job. Otherwise it would've been a waste of energy and time for everyone, no? Trust that they selected the best candidate for the work (aka you).

4- The first few months are the most tiring and rough. So many new faces, new things to learn, new routines, etc. Try to ride it out, try to establish a nice healthy routine at work and around work, and obvs don't neglect your self-care that will make you spin down from the accumulated stress. Do not neglect your health & wellbeing routine.

5- If the job fails, no worry, brush up your CV and start sending more and more of those CVs to jobs. Make it a daily habit until you're fully HIRED. Do not fret over being fired or having to quit (because shitty jobs do exist), move on, move on, move on!!

Vet jobs as you would with potential husbands. Pays well, treats well, is mindful of your time and limitations, etc.

you’re given two choices! to evolve or repeat

Things You Don't Comment On:

- someone’s eating habits

- appearance issues that can’t be fixed there and then

- someone else’s “bad” decision if it can’t now be undone

- someone’s laugh or voice

- someone’s “unrealistic” dreams

- someone “not looking their best” in photos

- someone not wanting to do something and trying to subtly avoid it without making a fuss

- anything that you know will make someone self conscious or insecure unnecessarily

i hated - hated - my 7th grade english teacher, but he did say something that has stuck with me this whole time: the actual mark of maturity in someone is whether they take responsibility.

over time, this has become something i find to apply to too-many things. this weighty, complicated thing - responsible. almost direct from the latin respondere - the verb for "to answer to".

taking responsibility is not just "being in control of". it also means being gentle. being able to apologize. being able to accept fault. to notice your own actions and change them to be better. it is not just saying "ah fuck i dropped the plate," it is saying "okay, i'll go get the broom."

at 16, when her parents tell her i put a roof over your head, she spends that night curled in my lap, sobbing, trying to articulate something too-heavy-for-words - that they think responsibility is just about obligation; that she is bound to them because they are responsible for her. that she feels, over and over, responsible for their emotions. that she spends hours cartwheeling over eggshells, feeling the drip of their expectations slowly sushing down her body.

according to my mom, responsibility and privilege are partners. this is probably true. a car (privilege) is a weapon if used (responsibility) incorrectly. my dog is my responsibility, and he brings me the privilege of hours spent in sunshine. there are, though, a lot of times people are given one without the other - the privilege, and no responsibility for their actions. the responsibility, and nothing but hours of obligation, over-and-over. i have also learned: there is a difference between fault and responsibility. this will be important for you at some point, if you are watching.

at 21, when i am begging him again to just listen, i am asking him to take responsibility for the span of our relationship. for the ways he has shoved thorns into every part of my body. i come across as needy, because it is my job to be responsible for the relationship - somehow, he has escaped that. it is always my job to ask for help. to beg for him to just put in any-ounce-of-more.

how easily responsibility becomes assumed. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to take care of dinner. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to get groceries, to clean the house, to mealplan, to do laundry. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to wear smart clothing. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to blend in with the rest of society.

at 25, it is happening again. this is a different man in a different city, and the responsibility is one that is demanded of me. he tells me he will skip off the world and into the darkness if i break his heart, no matter how much he breaks mine. i am back to begging - get help, get better, i cannot lift you if you do not try to stand with me. i am also responsible for myself - and then, suddenly, responsible for the entire life of somebody. i remember sitting there asking him - when will it be your turn to do the carrying? and the way he wrinkled his nose at me. i would laugh-cry: i feel like i'm your mother and he would start gagging. nothing would change. still running after him, making sure he washed his clothes and took care of himself and made those appointments and did anything. my own health was suffering.

a lot of discussion about consequence is really a discussion of responsibility. i am an internet poet. i made a little hellsite my unfortunately-unpaid home. i believe, in my heart of hearts - make what you want, but be responsible for it. whenever we make things, we are bound to them, end of story. this is a real-life thing. watch who in your life hates having responsibility. watch the way they expect other people to have responsibility. this sense they have: that responsibility is punishment, is unfair to unload on them. that someone else should do the carrying.

i am 26 at the start of 2020. we all know what happens then. the average person is asked to take responsibility. for many, this is second-nature. simple. occasionally annoying, but eventually habitual. for many others, though, this is their great and honest reckoning. they misunderstand civil liberty to mean - a land where everything, always, is just-about-me. on a personal level, when i am not absolutely livid about this population, i am sort-of sad for them. one of the good things about responsibility is that it builds community. each of these people, one at a time, has been making the same statement: i am alone in this world. i am blisteringly, horribly lonely.

i have noticed, over time - the way that responsibility is borne. how careful i have to be as a queer cuban writer. how careful some asshole on twitter is-not-careful-at-all. knowing that if i am too-loud. abrasive, unflattering: i could make my whole community responsible for my behavior. that people would read my work and say - see! this is why there aren't that many of these types of writers. that others can make bigger, bolder mistakes - but it will just be their mistake to make; their-singular-responsibility. that what i am "careful" about is making my posts well-researched, thought-out, accessible, funny. that what others are rabidly angry about being careful about - that they would suddenly become responsible for bigotry. this horrible sense: you have no idea what it means to be forced to bear this weight, and you find it terrifying.

i have been responsible for a long time. laughing, i tell my therapist eldest daughter, middle child syndrome. i was a latchkey kid. i was the first one home and had to be sure i got the fire lit or there wasn't heat. written like that, it sounds like something from charles dickens: alone, shivering in a house that isn't home, feeding tinder to the back of the wood stove. i have been a delight to have in class. i was always charmingly responsible. i have had-to-be. there was no other option.

burnout is high, i'm told. over and over, the media paints people like me as being responsible for how we are treated. they will say it's not your fault, but we all know they think it is my responsibility. people are violent to me; it is my responsibility to be a more properly-trained minority. my boss is cruel; it's my responsibility to find a new job or just go hungry. it is not the responsibility of others to help me figure out my medical debt, i should try asking more questions at the pharmacy. it is not the responsibility of public schools to help students get an education - it is the responsibility of 17-year-olds to sign into a lifetime of debt. it is not the responsibility of the government to protect my right to choose; it's my responsibility to simply not get into any situation that might require me having an opinion. it's satisfying to watch the general, quiet strike of minimum-wage workers: the way others, confused, are demanding the same question - why aren't other people taking responsibility for the things i don't want to do myself?

the other day, i saw a post from someone who hurt me. it was sort of embarrassingly on-the-nose. he's kissing someone new now (god protect her). under the two of them smiling, the caption reads: thank you to this responsible, beautiful queen for constantly taking care of me.

now be honest. answer the following. fill in the blanks. bring your truth to your throat and keep her. 1. in general, it is normal for a [ ] to have more responsibility than a [ ]. 2. you are responsible for [ ]. 3. when you tell [ ] to take responsibility, they will say [ ]. 4. in your life, it is normal for [ ] to take responsibility. 5. when did that start? 6. and how is it going?

Can you list some harsh truths that the general population (especially women) need to hear in order to improve? I feel like society likes to sugarcoat everything.

Family is a privilege, not a right. Men being allowed to cum inside is a priviledge and not a right.

Men can never DEMAND to women, they can only ask. If they demand, it's divorce time.

It is okay to marry richer/higher status. Marrying lower is just not a good idea for women. You need to always be upgrading and upgrading. Never settle.

Also, at the same time, be reasonable in your standards. The higher your standards are, the smaller your pool will be and the higher caliber you have to be to distinguish yourself.

For dating hypergamously, practice is KEY. Date date date date date date and GET OUT THERE. Mr Perfect won't be impressed by your low-experience awkard nerd ass.

By gaining dating experience you also learn to recognize yourself the red flags.

The higher the salary the more likelier he's a psychopath. Read up on psychopathy and other Dark Triad traits so you're prepared to counteract. If you're not sure about some man, next. Better be safe and save your skin than be a victim.

Your boyfriend working at MacDonalds or smoking pot is not him being "cool" he's being lame. He drives a rusty noisy corolla? Nah. This ain't cute. Get it together.

If you feel you don't deserve dating high value men, get the fuck off the dating pool, recenter it all on you, take a 1yr break and work on your glowup. Read about buliding self confidence AND WORK IT.

Never have children before marriage. Marriage is the legal protection of women. In case you separate outside of marriage he may be never required to help out financially with alimony. Marriage is protection for women.

Fuck the baby mama culture. See previous point. It just isn't cool, it's lame.

It is okay to prioritize career over men, and career first before founding a family. You MUST be seeking out for yourself FIRST before endangering yourself and putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

If you need to have a baby in order to keep a man, let him go. Bye.

The current dating market is heavily unfavorable towards women, as most men just don't know how to behave nicely. And this ain't our problem to solve in any way. Do not hesitate to be cutthroat. Red flag? Block, delete, forget and NEXT.

Fuck protecting men's feelings. Breakup when you don't wanna be anymore with him, say things honestly. They're already brutally honestamongst themselves, they can handle you being honest and asserting yourself.

Mantrums shouldn't make you comply, in ANY way. You need X, he doesn't wants, don't care, you need X or you gtfo.

You have to take accountability for your own actions on yourself and others, but do not blame yourself for EVERYTHING everyone does. That's what a PickMe does. If you got unhealthy body, this is not the fault of your mama if you're above 20. If you went broke, this is not the fault of everyone else if you went shopping excessively with that nice brand new CC card.

Being fat is not cute. Being skeleton thin is not cute. Get it together and strive towards actual wellbeing. Stop smoking cigarettes nobody might tell you but it makes you stink and gives off a bad impression. Same with excessive alcohol consumption.

Like said in the Teenager post, therapist stuff should stay at the therapist's office or your journal.

Live the lifestyle your salary allows you to live. You shouldn't be buying Prada shit on MacDonald's salary. If you want better stuff, strive to improve your salary. Going broke is just awful and not a nice personality trait.

Refuse to work too much you have zero life outside of work. That's exploitation and not being "hardworking". If you feel you can't ask that, read up about "boundaries". Currently, the market favors heavily employees so you have leverage for better. .

You should strive to be autonomous, you can't expect Mama or Friend to help you out everytime you're stuck. Prepare ahead, think of all possibilities ahead of time and ask for help when you're actually stuck. People get helping fatigue.

Do not just read about dating strategies or beauty stuff. Read up about news, science, culture and so on. Listen to podcasts, videos, read reference books, etc. There's a topic you wanna learn more about? Head to the librairy to get a good foundation.

To become a queen requires work, time involvement, energy, focus. You can't hope to become a queen just by scrolling on Tumblr and doing nothing else. Go workout, read, go out, etc. Have a life.

“A healthy relationship is where two independent people just make a deal that they will help the other person be the best version of themselves.”

— Unknown

Teach me.